February 27, 2008

Bootleg Simpsons Finger Puppets!!!

Bootleg Simpsons Finger Puppets!!!

Bootleg Simpsons Finger Puppets!!!

Dat's right. We don't give a rat's ass what Matt Groening or FOX thinks!!! We just went out and bought us some damn bootleg Simpsons finger puppets cause we're baaad asses!!! (Bootleg Simpsons finger puppets model's identity protected cause he's not a bad ass. At all. He just has pretty hands. Which is kind of a waste when you're modeling finger puppets when you think about it, really. The fingers are all covered up. Crap, we could have done this ourselves without shelling out a high two figures for the hand model. Dammit!)

January 27, 2008

Oneness and Color Vibration

California in the 1970s. 'Nuff said!

December 20, 2007

Santa ONLY Smokes Chesterfields.

Much has been written about the mythic figure of Santa Claus, but one question remains. What brand of cigarettes does Santa prefer? Or to put it another way: WWSS? What would Santa smoke? Here's your answer folks: Chesterfields! So if you choose to smoke, and you want Santa to come to YOUR house, why not forgo the milk and cookies, and leave out a carton of Santa' favorite brand o' smokes, Chesterfield! Hey, Santa dropped the pipe ages ago, my friend. Do you know how hard it is to load a pipe in a crowded, jostling sled while rocketing through the air past the speed of sound? Santa ruined many a pair of good pants that way. He almost switched to dip, but then some elf turned him on to the smooth rich flavor of Chesterfields, the cigarette that really pleases your T-Zone!

Dammit Santa! You whore!

December 13, 2007

I Can Has Meme?!

Dear Santa,

Hello, it's The Van Gogh-Goghs again. We've been very, very good this year. We didn't get into ANY fights with crystal meth users in public parks, we didn't steal ANY high school mascot costumes, and didn't even so much as PLAN to firebomb Scientologist buildings. So Santa, because we've been so good this year, we wanted to ask you for a very special present. No, not a puppy. We know that we need to wait until we're older and more responsible before we can handle a puppy. No, what we would dearly, DEARLY love this Christmas is if just once, just ONCE, we could spark a World Wide Web-wide meme. An honest to God, out of control, annoying, meaningless meme on the scale of the Hampster Dance, "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" or the LOLcats. Oh please please PLEASE PUH-LEASE!!! It can be our Christmas AND birthday present!! We won't want anything for our birthday if you get us this!!!

We even have the perfect image for it! A piece of cardboard from some cheap, cheap foreign child's bowling toy with a tragically and hilariously misspelled sound effect! Just take a look, and see if you don't agree!

(click to enlarge)

So, please Santa, we've give so much to the Internet: Furniture Porn, The Rocklopedia Fakebandica, Violated By Bears Man, and a fake proposal for free hearing aids that blast you with ads that yet people somehow think is a real product. Isnt' it time that the Internet gave back to us, just a tiny, little, eentsy-weentsy bit? We'll be your best friend for life!! You won't have to give us a present ever again, ever!

The Van Gogh-Goghs

November 07, 2007

WTF Friday - Love and Marriage

Plain Talk About Love And Sex
This WTF Friday salutes Love and Marriage, 1950s Christian Sex Manual Style!!! Contrary to popular belief Jesus, is totally cool with you knockin' da boots- as long as it's with your wife. In this booklet, Plain Talk about Love and Sex for Christian Young People, the good William W. Orr A.B., M.A., Th.B., D.D. presents us with a few choice paragraphs:

Loving Caution

Aw COME ON!!! You spend the whole book telling them to wait for the wedding night, and then you STILL want them to slow down!? No wonder your religion's losing ground to Wicca.

Plain Talk About Love And Sex

Remember- this was written decades before Maxim magazine or Pants-Off Dance-Off even existed! But garsh! So it's the "age of the brassiere?" hunh? Oh, that poor, poor old man- I only hope God called him home before the 1960s destroyed every last ounce of hope he had in humanity. Also, you must now go and start a band called "Sex Wackey." Bonus points if it's Christian rock.

Plain Talk About Love And Sex

"The sex nectar will never lose its tangy zest." Wow. I think this passage means that you're supposed to swallow. I could be wrong. Also, you must now go and start a band called "Sex Nectar." Bonus points if it's Christian rock.

October 07, 2007

WTF Friday - Mac N Cheese/Spaghetti Moat!

As halloween nears, we will delve into the macabre, the evil, the... inedible! This is from an old recipe pamphlet from the fine folks at Kraft (don't sue us!). This Frankenstinian creation appears to be nothing more than good ole mac & cheese dumped in a bowl of spaghetti sauce, then sprinkled with olives for no reason. Oh, wait there is a reason: THERE IS NO REASON. Did moms in the 1960s really spend time carefully sculpting their lumps of mac & cheese so the corners were perfectly square to match the bowl, so that the mac & cheese was carefully protected from all invaders by a deep and unappetizing moat of purest tomato sauce!? No one shall take these way-too-carefully sliced olive slices without a fight! Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, Or close the wall up with our English dead!

September 25, 2007

WTF Friday - The Marcel Marpocalypse

The world's most famous mime, Marcel Marceau, died Septemper 22nd. He was not merely an artist with his body, but he also took up pencil and brush and applied them to paper and canvas. Here is a bizarre, epic, apocalyptic drawing he did that appeared in a program for one of his shows in 1973. Forgive the rusty staples in the center.

click to embiggenclick to embiggen

September 04, 2007

WTF Friday - Barkfast is the most important meal of the day

Square meal for your dog? Okay dog lovers, you gots some splainin' to do! The little outfits I can understand. Hand made gourmet dog treats, sure, why not. I can almost get my head around Frosty Paws, the frozen treat for dogs. But now you have gone too far. There's a new product on the shelves, Breakfast Cereal for Dogs, in three amusing flavors; Chewabunga, Breakfast of Chompions, and this one, Barkfast Squares.

Square meal for your dog?
Click to embiggen.

While it's obvious that dogs have well mastered the concept of eating, I have grave and serious doubts that canines have mastered the concept of BREAKFAST, and being able to tell one meal from another. Even if they could, dogs strike me as bacon and egg types, not frickin' breakfast cereal! Now, granted the packaging is sublime. It has it all- a punning name, not just one dog dressed up but a whole dog family, a dog pretending to read "The New Dog Times" (that should have been the "New Yorkie Times"), a little puppy as Junior, and infinite regression, because everybody loves infinite regression. Everything is trying so hard to convince me this is the cutest f*cking thing ever, but I feel like it's from another planet. But in a good way. Appropriately enough, "dog's breakfast" is a slang term for... a mess.

August 28, 2007


Found this food product in a little Indian market in Los Angeles last spring. Um... "Glucose?" ... "Dextrose Monohydrate?" Dude, it's SUGAR! Plain old sugar! Wake up India! It's just freaking sugar!

GLUCOSE1.PNGclick to embiggen

The fine print is even better:
GLUCOSE2.PNGclick to embiggen


August 20, 2007

WTF Friday - What's Wrong With This Album Cover?

What's wrong with this album cover?

Click to embiggen.

Use the comments button to submit your guess NOW!!!

August 13, 2007

WTF Friday - Limp Dick Tracy

A VHS tape box cover of an old 1940s Dick Tracy serial. The one that warns you not to watch it! Don't you wish all movie titles were this helpful?

August 03, 2007

WTF Friday - Burt Rutan's House!

Burt Rutan, who's he? He's a space pioneer, doofus! No, not back in them Apollo days, RIGHT NOW! He won the 2004 X-Prize with his SpaceShipOne, the first privately built spaceship that actually went into space! He's having some hard times right now, with an unfortunate explosion during a rocket test that killed three employees. Let's hark back to happier days of this aviation and space pioneer, back to 1989, when he let Popular Science into his custom designed pyramid house! Check out the scans (about 1 MB each):

Nice, eh? Custom-made trapezoidal pool table! Plexiglass water wheel! An Apple IIe just for the bathroom! Man, that's living! The big question is, does he still live there, and can somebody Google-map it for us?

July 27, 2007

WTF Friday - Viet Keane!

This painting. Oy. Found it in a thrift store in Pittsboro, NC last year. Three bucks and worth every penny.

Hipsters know about the big-eyed kid paintings of the 1960s by Margaret Keane, the cutting edge of ghastly appalling kitsch of its day, like Hummel figurines, Tom Clark gnomes, or Thomas Kinkaide's faux-Victorian "light" paintings. This is NOT a genuine Keane, but a knockoff, and not just a knockoff, but a BIZARRE Vietnam soldier version, replete with a sickly-sweet, glurge-y poem that isn't event broken up into the correct lines:

A Mother's love is like a rose hung on your chest
It reveals beauty and charm at its best
My Mother's love is the world you see
For it means so very much to me
I'm so glad that God above
gave to me such a Mother's Love

Hallmark, fire up those copyright lawyers! Also the painting has a handly spot where you can customize the signature. Here it's Larry. Larry, um, did you really think your Mom's was gonna like this present? Well, it's the thought that counts and war is hell.

July 13, 2007

WTF Friday - Driving us bananas

This week's found weirdness is from the inside of a JuicyJuice pack label. Like a lot of prodcuts aimed at kids, they thought they'd throw some semi-entertaining crap on the packaging, like this illustrated joke: "Why do bananas never get lonely? Because they always hang out in bunches!" Hilarious if your age is in the low single digits, I'm sure.

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The more closely one examines this illustration, the more disturbing and confusing it becomes. All this lame play on words needs is a drawing of some vaguley anthropomorphic bananas hanging out, having a good time. Bananas + happy face and bam, you're done! But this artist has drawn a scene of odd psychological depth, a psycho-drama playing out before your children's eyes. First, the artist has gendered the bananas, male and female he created them. The male banana has turned his back to the female banana, crossing his arms, a stern look up upon his features. This is not a friendly banana! This banana is not just hanging out in a bunch. What's his problem?! For all his aloofishness, his eyes look backward at the female banana.

And what the hell is the female banana doing?! Look at her... her come-hither look, her lanquidly long lashed eyes, her dainty nose, her open smiling mouth, her raised eyebrows asking unspoken questions, and most bizarre, her hand hooked on her open peel (which the artist has cleverly equated with clothing) at the cleveage area, offering... what? A peek? More? A night of sybaritic pleasure for a price? Now look back to the male banana- his body is turned, clearly saying no, but look at his lip- there is doubt, temptation lingering there. His arms are crossed, also saying no, but examine more carefully- his right hand is firmly grasping his left upper arm- resolute! He will not be swayed, but his LEFT hand, ah see how already it has slipped from grasping the upper right arm- see the open palm, pressed against his chest, sweaty no doubt with the unspoken promises that lie beneath the female banana's peel. That hand wants to slide down and free the blocked-in right hand, so he can get his wallet out. He is cracking, my friend, and his stern moral facade is just that, a facade. He wants her, even though he knows he mustn't; he shouldn't, but he is cracking, and he will have her, because he cannot long resist!

Why do bananas never get lonely? Because. They. Are. Whores. Filthy, sexy, succulent whores, and you want one so bad you can taste it.

July 06, 2007

WTF Friday - Sign here for porn!

This week's found weirdness is from 1969. Huh huh, sixty-nine. Get it? Huh huh huh. And our sniggering is entirely appropriate! This piece of paper is a waiver form you had to sign back in the day to go see the porno film Infrasexum.

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Now you had to be a fairly ballsy trenchcoated creep to go to porno theater back then, so imagine that after you've gotten your courage up to go to a real live porno theater, turned up your trenchcoat collar so no one will see you, paid in nice, untraceable cash, and then they thrust this at you- sign here, name, address, ekcetera! Um, that's a boner killer for sure. I'm sure that many an "I.P. Freely" and "Harry Balls" signed that form. Perhaps they lived at 123 Main Street? Yes, very likely. Now we have the Internet, and even infants can download porn right in the safety of their own crib! Much better, right?

Anyhoo, we've submitted this puppy as an entry in the coolest ephemera contest that the ephemera- exploring the world of old paper blog is having!

June 29, 2007

WTF Friday - On Our Soapbox

Gaah! Kill it! Kill the mutant baby with a stick!

So this week's entry is a advertising postcard we received in the mail about six months ago. There's so much wrong here, we have to break it down, point by point.


*Point 2: This is an ad for a DESIGN company. This is where it is important you impress people with how well you can DESIGN things. Things that, say, DON'T have creepy mutant babies on them (see point 1).

*Point 3: Perhaps, just perhaps, it might be a good idea to DESIGN something new, instead of swiping an old soap ad you found. Perhaps that would be a stronger demonstration of your DESIGN skills to your potential customers than crudely angling text so it kinda sorta looks like your company's name is on the soap wrapper. Also, something new you DESIGNED is less likely to have creepy mutant babies on it (see point 1).

*Point 4: Perhaps, just perhaps, it would be a good idea NOT to ask the question "Why Not Visit Us?" next to a creepy mutant baby nobody wants to see, therefore answering the very question you asked, only with "NO!" (see point 1). "Come on down, check out our selection of creepy mutant babies," is not a good marketing strategy, even if you DID sell creepy mutant babies."

*Point 5: Handy tip: Child porn- Avoid it.

*Point 6: The creepy mutant baby appears to be farting up a storm, as the "soap" bubbles in the water are only around his/her/its waist.

There are so many red flags here (creepy farting mutant baby that wants you to come visit it, for starters), that I don't see how this thing got out, or how anyone thought it was a good idea. But then, I'm not in the "design" biz.

June 22, 2007

WTF Friday - Prozac Cookies!!!

So when drug company Eli Lilly wanted to promote the ever-popular Prozac®, one of the promotional items was cookies in a regular Prozac® box. How delightful, and much more appealing than another Jebus-damned ballpoint pen or notepad. The box also included a small card on which they felt it necessary to include some lawyerly ass-covering that is pricelessly hilarious. Enjoy.

prozac cookies
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June 08, 2007

WTF Friday! Can Satan Read Your Mind?

Welcome to a new weekly feature here on our stupid, stupid blog: WTF Friday! Pictures of weird things we find!!!

This week's find is a undated religious pamphlet found at a junk store in Virginia. By none other than televangelist Jimmy Swaggart, who was disgraced in the 1980s, back when the televangelist-disgracing was good. Man you couldn't throw a rock with out disgracing a televangelist, or politician, back then. Good times, my friend, good times.

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Short answer: No.

But more importantly, why is Satan a Japanese Kabuki actor, and what can we do stop this Kabuki Satan!?

May 31, 2007

WTF Friday is Here!

Welcome to a new weekly feature here on our stupid, stupid blog: WTF Friday! Pictures of weird things we find!!! This week's find is a strip of paper found in the parking lot of the Chapel Hill public library back in March.

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As mental cases go, this one's disappointingly brief and tame. A slip of paper?! C'mon loony, you couldn't even get a whole page out of this shocking news?! And hello? Private company OR the government? Pick one, or say BOTH! Jebus, you call this reporting?! Where's the details? How did you become privy to this information? The Men In Black try to scare you off? Did Bigfoot tell you? And you call this alarmist? I'm not even sure if you're for or against this new miracle technology! It reads like stereo instructions! And if you're going to flog a dead horse like mind control, at least pep this dead puppy up with some gripping adjectives! Try "blood-sucking," "thrice-cursed," "unholy alliance," or just plain "evil." Why, when I was a kid, we had REAL loonies!


I could write a better rant in my sleep.

Hell, the great websurfing public could too! Use our Comments Button and see if you can't do better!

August 21, 2006

What's Wrong With This Picture?


When you think you know the answer, post a comment!

August 06, 2006

Right & Wrong

I don't know who's responsible, but I want to give everyone out there doing the Lord's work of vandalizing billboards and other advertisements a little reminder. There is a right way and a wrong way to do your job. Let's be a little more careful out there. Focus!


July 08, 2006

Museum of Found Art expansion

The staff and directors of the Museum of Found Art are excited to announce that we have been able to expand our offerings into a new wing. Our first exhibit in our new space features advertising images. We begin with this ad for the most famous little blue pill in the world.

Found Art: How to feel better

Found Art: One holy taxi

Found Art: Note found in a dumpster next to a dildo