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by Jason Torchinsky
My plan for
Free Hearing Aids!
Know any old people who can't hear well? Me neither. But consider this: what if you did? Well, then, you'd want them to have some sort of device to enhance their limited auditory capabilities so they wouldn't miss one single gem of wisdom that spews forth from your mouth, accompanied by a rain of spittle and half-masticated Pringles.

But, let's face it: such devices, commonly known as hearing aids, can be quite expensive. I'm basing this on about zero hours of research and a pretty solid-feeling hunch I have. So what is a hearing impaired and budget-conscious person to do?

As usual, when things start getting a little tough, I get going. And what I got going here is a great idea, an idea of how to profitably give away hearing aids to anyone who needs them: sell advertising!

Let's face it, you can't beat the penetration of an ad that is broadcast directly into the consumer's ear! See, my new (patent pending) Free Hearing Aid System would broadcast 90 seconds of advertising for every half hour the person is using the hearing aid. So, in exchange for a full hour of quality, unimpeded, clear hearing, all the user would need to do is simply listen to a total of three minutes of pleasing, radio-type advertising (played at about 2x the normal hearing volume, of course).

The advertisments would be stored digitally on a chip that is unitized with the battery of the hearing aid (see diagram); that way, it would guarantee that the users' supply of ads would be updated every month or so, replaced along with a fresh battery.

Yes, it seems perfect. Free hearing, and free advertising. Everyone wins. At least, until some poor old guy goes on a killing spree after being driven mad by yet another ad for Gold Bond Foot Powder being blasted directly down his ear canal by this ghastly, ghastly device. Other than that, you can't lose! Investors, please feel free to contact me directly.

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