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* Catching *

Catching is one of the easiest ways to suck at basketball. If you can't get the ball when a teammate passes it to you, you'll definitely look bad.

Hold out your hands to your teammate, giving him or her a target. Then, when your teammate passes the ball, do one of three actions:

  1. Turn your head right before the ball gets to you and try to catch it without looking. This gives the impression that you are trying to catch the ball, but also trying to attack the basketball before you control the ball. It looks like hustle. When you runback down the court on defense, point to yourself and say, "My bad."

  2. Run away from the spot. This looks like you're trying to get open again, and makes the passer look like he missed his opportunity. Glare at the passer and point to your temple, signaling him to think next time.

  3. Put your hands down to your sides immediately, then throw one hand up and try to scoop it to you. Now everyone thinks the passer was a little late passing to you. Glare at him or her and pointedly ask them why they didn't throw the ball earlier, when you were open.

The Spaz method of catching is simple: always try to catch the ball with your forearms. Try this test if you don't believe me. Get a friend to toss a pillow at you, and try to catch it with your forearms. Not too graceful, huh? So use the forearm method. If you don't catch the ball, perfect. If you do, it will take you a spastic moment or two to try and control the ball. You will definitely give the appearance that you suck. At basketball, that is.

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