August 16, 2007

Van Gogh-Goghs Successfully Predict Future!!!

Ripped from today's headlines: Mary-Kate Olsen has big kiss -- with Ben Kingsley. Here's a fair use snippet: "Brace yourself: In her upcoming movie, Mary-Kate Olsen locks lips with Ben Kingsley. Yes, the one-time adorable tyke turned teenage titan, and Gandhi... Olsen is now 21. Kingsley is 63. Their film, "The Wackness," is slated for release next year."

A mere seven years ago, we, The Van Gogh-Goghs, published this article on our website:
Call My Age-nt! : "VGG Films broke the secrecy surrounding their summer offering, "Zombie Perv: A Love Story." The film features Mary-Kate Olsen, 14, as a cemetery keeper's daughter who falls head over heels for "Gramps," a reanimated corpse played (in a marvelous piece of casting) by the actual reanimated corpse of William Hickey, who was 69 when he died in 1997."

and now it has come absolutely stone cold true!! More or less. Sorta. *Cough* The gist of the prediction is true. Even if it wasn't really a prediction. Look, Mary-Kate Olsen is kissing some dude old enough to be her grandfather!!! We predicted it. Totally!!!

February 21, 2007

Man, you look bored!

Here's some old-school VGG humor that should make you 8.7% less bored!

Interested in winning contests?
How about new names for your nose holes?
Like girls? Like boys? Like to ask them out? Try these pickup lines.

Glad we could help.

August 24, 2006

End Planetary Discrimination Now!


Hello I'm Charon. You might know me as Pluto's "moon." I've remained silent in the planet/not-a-planet controversy regarding Pluto, but I can remain silent no longer. The International Astronomical Union has decided to demote my life partner Pluto and take away his status as a planet. This blatant, divisive, and cruel discrimination can not stand.

Pluto and I are no strangers to controversy. Our very discovery was controversial. Percival Lowell's outer-solar system witch hunt first outed us in 1930 due to the public's panic about a supposed gravitational "influence" over Neptune. Well, now the truth is out there- our supposed "influence" on Neptune is minimal, people: minimal. Neptune is his own planet, and he lives his own life. As for us, we could live with the strange looks and being snubbed by space probes. But this time the astronomy establishment has crafted an arbitrary definition of "planet" simply to exclude Pluto. This is discrimination at its worst.

Am I not a planet? Do I not orbit the Sun? Am I not rounded by the gravity of my own mass? What more could you want? Yes, our orbit has been described as "eccentric"-- but I'm here to tell you that this is an astronomy codeword for "inferior." You can dress it up in all the euphemisms you want, astronomy, but it is still the language of hate. It's time we stood up and proudly proclaimed that our orbit isn't eccentric- it's QUEER!

Obviously, panicked, conservative astronomers no longer want Pluto and I in the list of planets where children would have to be taught about us and our lifestyle. By demoting us, they think they can sweep us under the rug, out of sight, and pretend that moons orbiting planets and planets orbiting suns in neat little ellipses in the same plane is the somehow the "natural" order of things, despite the reality of the universe.

What they find even worse is that I don't orbit Pluto. And Pluto doesn't orbit me. We orbit EACH OTHER. We are not a planet and moon, but a double planet! Our relationship is an EQUAL partnership, and it is this fact that so frightens the establishment. Our existence challenges the so-called "traditional values" of the planet-moon relationship where the moon is always in the inferior position, and "knows their place."

It's sad that the astronomy establishment sees our equality as a threat that must be suppressed. A threat so great they feel they must revoke our status as planet. The IAU will no longer legally recognize our partnership, and will deny such recognition to all future double planets, or even, "God forbid" triple planets. But we're here, we're queer, we're Kuiper! And we're not going anywhere- in fact, our numbers are growing. Sedna, Quaoar, Varuna, - sure our names may not be from classic Roman mythology, we may not have the topography and atmospheres the "establishment" says is proper, but we all orbit the same sun as you.

The IAU has chosen to discriminate against Pluto by assigning it a status separate from the "classical" planets, and calling it something other than "planet." Separate is not equal. Especially when the separate status thrust upon us is "dwarf." Dwarf? We're not dwarfs- YOU, you the astronomers, are the dwarfs- dwarfed in spirit, dwarfed in mind, dwarfed in imagination. Your hide-bound, outdated, antiquated prejudices have left you unable to see that all planetary bodies are created equal. Your plutophobia sickens and disgusts me.

There's no need for it to be like this. Dark matter is 90% of the universe; regular matter, the type of matter that makes up planetary stalwarts like Jupiter, Earth, and Mars--is the very same stuff that makes up Pluto, myself, and a whole host of bodies you've probably never even taken the time to be aware of. We're all part of the same, precious 10%. And it's high time we all saw that.

We all orbit one, solitary star. Let's try to remember that.

July 12, 2006

A Dream I Had About Carl Reiner

A Dream I Had About Carl Reiner

With Commentary

by T. Mike

The Dream:
     I'm in a car with comedian/actor/writer/director Carl Reiner. It's a young version of him, so young he actually has hair! The car is black and of older, if indeterminate vintage, late 1950s to early 1960s. Carl is drving, I'm in the front passenger seat. He's started the car and we're about to pull away from the curb, when I realize my cat is sitting on the hood close to the windshield, by the passenger seat. I quickly reach out the open window to grab her. Some combination of my inadequate grabbing, and the cat struggling cause me to lose my grip and the cat starts to fall to the ground. I manage to grab her tail. Now here's where some weird dream effects kick in, and several things happen at once. I'm horrified of course, and quickly haul in the cat by her tail to the safety of the car. But for a horrifing second, the cat is on her back on the asphalt being dragged along almost behind the car. But, of course, cat tails just aren't that long. Nor do cats survive that. The whole time I'm doing this I'm chanting "Stop the car! Stop the car! Stopthecar! Stoptthecar!" But not only does Reiner NOT stop the car, I swear, for the instant the cat is on the ground, the damn car SPEEDS UP!

Continue reading "A Dream I Had About Carl Reiner" »

May 22, 2006

A Dream I Had About My Friend Jason

A Dream I Had About My Friend Jason

With Commentary

by T. Mike

The Dream:
     In the dream, my good friend Jason and his real-life girlfriend Sally have their own television series where they play lovers and free-lance insurance claims investigators. Their ever-fretful boss is played by a young Richard Pryor, and their comic relief sidekick and fellow investigator is played by Buddy Hackett. They travel the great American Southwest dodging danger and scams and con men, investigating murders, accidents, and rackets to determine the truth. But Jason, an orphan, was raised on the mean streets of the big city, where he learned a thing or two about con games himself. Three card monty? - strictly kindergarten, man.

     They go to all the hot spots - Reno, Vegas, Nevada's legal brothels, L.A., Frisco, wherever they're needed. They've even done a job or two for the Mafia- good for the reputation.

Continue reading "A Dream I Had About My Friend Jason" »

May 17, 2006

What's REALLY wrong with the NSA

I know there's all kinds of ruckus about how the NSA has been keeping track of every phone call we've ever made, and, while this is a huge problem, the real problem is that the NSA has some kind of super-fetus program in place and has been using them, as in the case of Gen. Michael Hayden (pictured here) as their chief.

Now, this picture doesn't show it, but I believe behind the podium you could see his umbilical cord snaking out of his tiny trousers and down into a bucket of custard or Fruity Pebbles or something. And everything here is scaled down to fetus-sized. Look at those teeny (yet still seemingly too tight) glasses!

I mean, the real problem here is that this fucker is in charge of the NSA and yet he has no life experience-- hell, he's not even born! And I think we know why this administration's so against abortion: they want all the fetuses for themselves, to staff the NSA!

Plus, if all this isn't bad enough, there's nude pictures of this unborn fucker all over the internet. See?

May 15, 2006

A Dream I Had About Al Franken

A Dream I Had About Al Franken
With Commentary
by T. Mike

The Dream:

    In my dream, comedian, author, and former Saturday Night Live regular Al Franken has become king. Not of America of course, and I'm not exactly sure precisely what country he's king of, but it's probably England, as it's the most well-known of the current countries still ruled by monarchy. Also, I keep affecting a fake British accent in the dream.

Continue reading "A Dream I Had About Al Franken" »