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Success Tips for Different Contests

Have you ever won a contest? No? Then Buddy, you are a big loser! Try these tips next time you enter one of the following contests, and see if you don't even win a couple of them. Get that trophy polish ready!

Wet T-Shirt Contest-- Wear a dark T-shirt. Most people wear white shirts, and you will stand out to the judges. Also, be sure to wear at least two shirts, as water sometimes makes the T-shirt see-through, which can cause embarrassment.

Spelling Bee-- When the judges give you the word, ask to see the word written in a sentence.

Costume Contest-- Every costume is enhanced with applesauce. Also, before you put on any costume, be sure to completely shave your body; it makes you more aerodynamical.

Eating Contest-- Fill up on the fajitas.

Drinking Contest-- Drink vodka... it won't make you crazy. Also, don't be afraid to urinate on yourself.

Super Bowl-- Bribe the commissioner. If that doesn't work, I know a guy that can score you some flubber. And if that doesn't work, bribe the commish again. Maybe this time it will stick.

Miss America Pageant-- When the emcee asks you what your one wish for this world would be, don't ask for world peace. That is cliche. Instead, tell the emcee that your wish would be for non-frizzy hair.

Essay Contest-- End every sentence with an exclamation point, and begin every other sentence with "Now, don't be a jackass about this, but..."

Watermelon Seed Spitting Contest-- DON'T SWALLOW THE SEEDS!!

Hollerin' Contest-- You have to give the judges (and the audience) what they want to hear. So, be sure to scream all the sex gossip you can about your fellow townspeople. And don't be afraid to squeeze your testicles for that added oomph (if you are a woman, grab the testes of the nearest man... it will provide an added harmony to your holler).

Arm-Wrestling Contest-- Kiss the big lug. Smack dab on the kisser. Yep, that'll do it. But be prepared for retribution, smoochie.

Paris-to-Dakkar Rally-- Two words: flying freakin' car! Yep, a flying freakin' car!


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