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January 29, 2007

MP3 Monday: Dinosaurs!

Zither, tom-toms, and uh, something!Today's installment of MP3 Monday is all about the dinosaurs, and no, not that weird live action Henson muppet show, and no not about Was (Not Was) walking them. No, we're going back before even Jurassic Park II, to a 1978 kid's record called Our Dinosaur Friends- for the Early Years. First off, um, I hate to tell you children this, but dinosaurs aren't really your friends. They are only pretending so they can eat you later. Second, Tyrannosaurus is the scary king of the dinosaurs, and it's good to be the king! The only thing scarier than Tyrannosaurus Rex ? Imagine Tyrannosaurus Rex voiced by Thurl Ravenscroft, or someone trying to imitate him. Still not scary enough? Oh yeah? Well, what if that same T. Rex was, say, Asian?! Listen to the track "TyrannosaurusRex" - now you're scared!

Download (2:36 / 4.2 MB)

What the hey, here's the WHOLE danged album (well, side 1):

Download (23.3 MB)

The fine print: All downloads are provided for entertainment purposes only. VGG.COM not responsible for any disemboweling, mauling, decapitation, loss of limb(s), or being eaten from listening to mp3s.

Next Week: Uh, I dunno. Something involving... chickens? Sure. Chickens.

January 26, 2007

Blast from the Previous!

You know, there was a time, back around the turn of the century, when this site was the shit. We had all the latest, most cutlery-like edges of any humor site on the net. Now, well, any dipshit with an old, dogeared copy of Truly Tastless Jokes Vol. III and a pirated copy of Flash can so this. But, back in the day, it was about craft. About caring, about hard work with minimal rewards. Hardscrabble days, but happy ones. Like a Dorthea Lang photo with a laptop. You get the idea.

Anyway, back then we had this great VGG interactive sketch toy, Pixel 3000. I always liked it, so here it is again! Oh, and it uses the rapidly obsolescing Shockwave, so be ready.


January 22, 2007

MP3x3 Monday! Neil Diamond

Neil Diamond and Fonz. What the hell with that sweater, Fonzie?
MP3 Monday is celebrating pop singer Neil Diamond's birthday this week (January 24th). With a long recording career, the "Jewish Elvis" as he was called, has had many, many hits. But right now we're going to focus on some of the ...um.... lower points in his oevre. In this special edition, we're featuring not one, but three songs, making this MP3x3 Monday! "The Pot Smoker's Song" is from his 1968 album with the tragic title Velvet Gloves and Spit. Not so much a song, really, as an extended PSA featuring the spoken words of REAL, LIVE drug addicts about the dangers of yes, marijuana, as a gateway drug to other, harder things. Actual quote from one of the, remember, ACTUAL, REAL-LIFE drug addicts: "I also used to shoot acid in my spine." Uh, that's not how you take acid, dude. Also, reaching around behind you to your spine seems awfully inconvenient. Also, here's a fact tip for you: the spine is full of bones. Needles and bones don't mix. Now, all together, folks: THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT "DOPE!"

The next track is not that obscure, merely ridiculous. From his 1977 Love at the Greek double live album, "Song Sung Blue" features Neil dragging some guest stars onstage: first Helen Reddy, of "I Am Woman" fame, whom he calls "bubie." and then at the 2:12 mark, none other than Henry Winkler, the Fonz from Happy Days. And Neil makes the Winkler sing. And Winkler goes along! I am Fonz, hear me roar! Why the Diamond-Reddy-Winkler supergroup then broke up, I'll never know. Okay, it's because Winkler is a terrible singer. It's too bad, because I thought of some great names: Red Diamond Wink, Hell on Winks, Wink on You Ready Diamond.

The last track is from 1968's Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits; his cover of the dumbass novelty tune "Hanky Panky." What it's doing on this album is debatable, cause it ain't no damn hit. The word "filler" springs to mind. Probably the record label made him do it. So Neil's smart- he's thinking: how can I do this stupid tune, yet disassociate myself from it!? I know! I'll pretend to not want to do it on the recording itself! And yet do it anyway, even though I hate it! Genius. Pure genius. And meta. Pure meta.

The Pot Smoker's Song (3:57 / 6.4MB)
Song Sung Blue (4:07/ 6.7 MB)
Hanky Panky (2:47 / 4.5 MB)

MP3s provided for entertainment and sampling purposes only. After you've sampled them, you are obligated to delete them, so we don't get in trouble with the MAN. These MP3s will be deleted the split-second we get the cease-and-desist email.

Next Week: Some totally obscure crap no record company can even remember owning the rights to.

January 14, 2007

MP3 Monday! Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!

Nothing offensive here!
Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day! For this MP3 Monday feature, I scoured the dusty archives for a track that would do justice to the legacy of this historic leader, perhaps some stirring words from the great man himself. And... that didn't work out so much. So I thought, I'll look for some other great black leader, like Malcolm X, W.E.B. Du Bois, Marcus Garvey, Eldridge Cleaver, Tupac Shakur, surely, I have something?! Well, all I could find was Louis Farrakhan. Singing. And playing the violin. On "Heed the Call Y'all (White Man's Heaven Is a Black Man's Hell)" from the catchily-titled 1980 double album Minister Farrakhan Speaks at "Jack-The-Rapper Family Affair" Conference. This nigh-16 minute soul epic is Farrakhan's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" - tracing the rise of the brutish white man and his mistreatment of the black man until the black man cries out and prays for the end of time, so he can end his time with the white man. Er, maybe it's more like "We Didn't Start the Fire," with a list of all the bad historical things white people have done. Only, it doesn't rhyme quite as snappily as "We Didn't Start the Fire." Maybe it's more like... uh... how to describe this song? I think it can best be described in the words of another famous Martin: "Damn, Gina!"

Download (15:51 / 14.8 MB)

The fine print: All downloads are provided for entertainment purposes only. VGG.COM not responsible for any discomfort, guilt, white flight, or outrage, moral or otherwise; from listening to mp3s.

Next Week: That really good Alabama song those stupidface classic rock stations never play.

January 08, 2007

MP3 Monday!

Hello Fraulein!
Happy New Year 2007! And welcome to a new weekly feature here at vgg.com: MP3 Monday! Every Monday, there will be a new MP3 file from our large, large collection of deservedly obscure vinyl, lovingly hand-ripped to the convenient MP3 format by our hardworking staff of Chinese prisoners! Our grandkids have told us that the MP3 is "the shizzle" all the schoolies are giddy for and that's good enough for us!

This week's starts us off with a bang- literally! The title track of the 1966 album The Crazy Horse Saloon of Paris by Albert Van Dam & Orchestra kicks off with a champagne cork a-popping! What better way to ring in the new year? The back cover helpfully informs us The Crazy Horse Saloon is "the most sophisticated strip-tease club in the world." However, the cover leads one more to believe it's the most batshit loony strip-tease club in the world. So does the galloping pace and the circus-freak-meets-speed-freak instrumentation of the title track. Try to listen to it and imagine women stripping to it. It's extremely difficult.

Download (1:42 / 1.6 MB)

The fine print: All downloads are provided for entertainment purposes only. VGG.COM not responsible for any auditory nerve damage; ear-gouging; cranial implosion, explosion, or plosion from listening to mp3s.

Next week: Hootie and the Blowfish's biggest hit! Whatever that might have been, exactly.