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May 31, 2007

WTF Friday is Here!

Welcome to a new weekly feature here on our stupid, stupid blog: WTF Friday! Pictures of weird things we find!!! This week's find is a strip of paper found in the parking lot of the Chapel Hill public library back in March.

View image

As mental cases go, this one's disappointingly brief and tame. A slip of paper?! C'mon loony, you couldn't even get a whole page out of this shocking news?! And hello? Private company OR the government? Pick one, or say BOTH! Jebus, you call this reporting?! Where's the details? How did you become privy to this information? The Men In Black try to scare you off? Did Bigfoot tell you? And you call this alarmist? I'm not even sure if you're for or against this new miracle technology! It reads like stereo instructions! And if you're going to flog a dead horse like mind control, at least pep this dead puppy up with some gripping adjectives! Try "blood-sucking," "thrice-cursed," "unholy alliance," or just plain "evil." Why, when I was a kid, we had REAL loonies!


I could write a better rant in my sleep.

Hell, the great websurfing public could too! Use our Comments Button and see if you can't do better!

May 29, 2007

MP3 Monday - Memorial Day


Memorial Day. The day we we stop and take a day to honor our soldier heroes who nobly serve our country with low, low sale prices on tires, or perhaps mattresses. We are honoring them instead with the 1965 track "Freedom Isn't Free" by Up With People. John Wayne f*cking loves it. And now, so do you.

Download (3.9MB / 2:26)

NEXT WEEK: Uh. I'll get back to you.

May 14, 2007

MP3 Monday - Mr. T

Celebrity Mr. T is a minor miracle. He has transcended his tragicomic status (first fool-pitying, then cancer) to become a pop-culture icon. But to be able to transcend tragicomic status, first you must be tragicomic. No single aspect of Mr. T's career better embodies that than his 1984 album, Mr. T's Commandments. Why? Because Mr. T can't sing, and has no rhythm. Seriously, ya gotta love the guy, but an unbalanced washing machine has a better sense of rhythm than Mr. T. His album is hilarious as he attempts to rap and sing. But you're not gonna get to hear it. Why? Because no one voted, so we are going to have to punish you all. Instead of Mr. T, you're getting Valerie Landsburg singing "Try," from Mr. T's hilarious TV special, Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool. It's bad. And not good-bad, either. Just bad. Listen, suffer, and next time, VOTE!!!

Download (6.8MB / 4:10)

NEXT WEEK: For no reason, our theme is VIETNAM! Maybe you can use your imaginations, and think of some crazy thing Vietnam might currently be a metaphor of.
* The weird spoken word poem "I Have Died In Vietnam" from 1976.

*Something by Colonel Kilgore's Vietnamese Formation Surf Team.

*"Vietnam Will Win" - A pro-commie Vietnam war epic by The Red Star Singers, an honest-to-gosh Commie folk/choir group. From their 1974 album The Force of Life. I'd call this song prophetic, but calling a Vietnam War winner in 1974 is pretty damn late in the game.

Use the comments button to VOTE NOW!!!!

MP3 Monday - Jews!

Jack Lacy - Secrets that Make Star Salesmen Tick!

From the 1959 spoken word record, Secrets that Make Star Salesman Tick!, "Certified Professional Salesman" Jack Lacy understands that a spoonfull of humor helps the sales lessons go down. So he packs his monologue with jokes. Jokes full of terrible ethnic stereotypes. This is the worst, a joke insulting to both Hitler and jews simultaneously. An important technique that all star salesmen should know!

Download (4.2MB / 2:35)

The fine print: All downloads are provided for entertainment purposes only. VGG.COM says downloaded MP3 files are ony for closers!

Next week is Mr. T's birthday! In his honor, we will pity fools and you will vote on which Mr. T track you want:
*"Mr. T's Commandment"
*"Don't Talk to Strangers"
*"The Toughest Man In The World"
*"Mr. T, Mr. T (He Was Made for Love)"
*"The One And Only Mr. T"
*"No Dope No Drugs"
*"You Got to Go Through It"

Use the comments button to VOTE NOW!

May 07, 2007

MP3 Monday - Rumaki!

Vincent Price - Bounty Of Paradise.jpg

From the Van Gogh-Gogh vinyl vaults comes this bacon-wrapped nugget: Horror-meister Vincent Price slumming for Nelson Industries on the 1977 album Vincent Price International Cooking Course - Bounty of Paradise. Here, his rich, mellifluous voice dives into the South Seas and comes up with this pearl, his recipe for rumaki. No, I cannot explain it beyond the Van Gogh-Goghs standard explanation for why talented people do things seemingly beneath them: Brother needed a check! I'm pretty sure most of Hollywood operates on this gold-plated principle. Anyway, there are chicken livers in rumaki but listen to Vincent and don't be squeamish!

Download (7.3MB / 4:37)

The fine print: All downloads are provided for entertainment purposes only. VGG.COM does not support selling out, but damn we sure need a check.

Next Week: VOTE NOW

Next Monday, May 14th, is the 59th anniversary of the establishment of the state of Israel, so let's kick it Jew-style. Oy, such a choice to have to make:

*Famous jew Mel Brooks RAPPING, yes, you heard me, rapping - wait it gets even better- rapping "The Hitler Rap," a novelty number he did inspired by his own 1983 film To Be Or Not To Be

*On the 1959 spoken word album Secrets that Make Star Salesmen Tick, "Certified Professional Salesman" Jack Lacy lectures a crowd on how to be a better salesman, then randomly and apropros of nothing goes off into a totally unrelated joke about Hitler and jews that manages to be both anti-Hitler and anti-Semitic at the same time, a truly great accomplishment all star salesmen should know.

*'I Got Rhythm," the famous song by famous Jewish composer George Gershwin, interpreted here by slightly lesser known jew Gershon Kingsley on the Moog synthesizer.

Use the comments button to VOTE now!