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August 24, 2006

End Planetary Discrimination Now!


Hello I'm Charon. You might know me as Pluto's "moon." I've remained silent in the planet/not-a-planet controversy regarding Pluto, but I can remain silent no longer. The International Astronomical Union has decided to demote my life partner Pluto and take away his status as a planet. This blatant, divisive, and cruel discrimination can not stand.

Pluto and I are no strangers to controversy. Our very discovery was controversial. Percival Lowell's outer-solar system witch hunt first outed us in 1930 due to the public's panic about a supposed gravitational "influence" over Neptune. Well, now the truth is out there- our supposed "influence" on Neptune is minimal, people: minimal. Neptune is his own planet, and he lives his own life. As for us, we could live with the strange looks and being snubbed by space probes. But this time the astronomy establishment has crafted an arbitrary definition of "planet" simply to exclude Pluto. This is discrimination at its worst.

Am I not a planet? Do I not orbit the Sun? Am I not rounded by the gravity of my own mass? What more could you want? Yes, our orbit has been described as "eccentric"-- but I'm here to tell you that this is an astronomy codeword for "inferior." You can dress it up in all the euphemisms you want, astronomy, but it is still the language of hate. It's time we stood up and proudly proclaimed that our orbit isn't eccentric- it's QUEER!

Obviously, panicked, conservative astronomers no longer want Pluto and I in the list of planets where children would have to be taught about us and our lifestyle. By demoting us, they think they can sweep us under the rug, out of sight, and pretend that moons orbiting planets and planets orbiting suns in neat little ellipses in the same plane is the somehow the "natural" order of things, despite the reality of the universe.

What they find even worse is that I don't orbit Pluto. And Pluto doesn't orbit me. We orbit EACH OTHER. We are not a planet and moon, but a double planet! Our relationship is an EQUAL partnership, and it is this fact that so frightens the establishment. Our existence challenges the so-called "traditional values" of the planet-moon relationship where the moon is always in the inferior position, and "knows their place."

It's sad that the astronomy establishment sees our equality as a threat that must be suppressed. A threat so great they feel they must revoke our status as planet. The IAU will no longer legally recognize our partnership, and will deny such recognition to all future double planets, or even, "God forbid" triple planets. But we're here, we're queer, we're Kuiper! And we're not going anywhere- in fact, our numbers are growing. Sedna, Quaoar, Varuna, - sure our names may not be from classic Roman mythology, we may not have the topography and atmospheres the "establishment" says is proper, but we all orbit the same sun as you.

The IAU has chosen to discriminate against Pluto by assigning it a status separate from the "classical" planets, and calling it something other than "planet." Separate is not equal. Especially when the separate status thrust upon us is "dwarf." Dwarf? We're not dwarfs- YOU, you the astronomers, are the dwarfs- dwarfed in spirit, dwarfed in mind, dwarfed in imagination. Your hide-bound, outdated, antiquated prejudices have left you unable to see that all planetary bodies are created equal. Your plutophobia sickens and disgusts me.

There's no need for it to be like this. Dark matter is 90% of the universe; regular matter, the type of matter that makes up planetary stalwarts like Jupiter, Earth, and Mars--is the very same stuff that makes up Pluto, myself, and a whole host of bodies you've probably never even taken the time to be aware of. We're all part of the same, precious 10%. And it's high time we all saw that.

We all orbit one, solitary star. Let's try to remember that.

August 21, 2006

What's Wrong With This Picture?


When you think you know the answer, post a comment!

August 08, 2006

World's Worst Onesies

What kind of monster would put these onesies on their baby? How much would a monster like that be willing to pay for something like this? What if we included free shipping?


August 06, 2006

Right & Wrong

I don't know who's responsible, but I want to give everyone out there doing the Lord's work of vandalizing billboards and other advertisements a little reminder. There is a right way and a wrong way to do your job. Let's be a little more careful out there. Focus!


August 03, 2006

Get Your Copy Today!

So last week, we got this email:

From: "Tracy Geller"
Date: July 26, 2006 3:28:55 PM PDT
To: Subject: I want to sell your comedy cds through our stores

I've spent a lot of time at your Van Gogh Goghs website and I think your
comedy cds are perfect for our stores. I especially like your cd "Keepin' It
Real". We work hand in hand with the largest stores in the country, plus
thousands of small to medium sized specialty businesses stretched across the
U.S.. If you want the opportunity to sell your products through major
retailers like Target, Barnes & Noble, Virgin Records, Borders, QVC, HSN,
etc ... plus the other 16826 bookstores, 51005 gift stores, 10337 music
stores, and over 24000 mail-order catalogs ... check us out at

Tracy Geller

Okay. Seems like a usual mass-mailing kind of thing, but what seems odd about this one is that they referenced (and misspelled) a fake comedy album we had buried on the site, called "Keepin' it Reel." So you know what this album is that this company is eager to distribute, here's the description:

Keepin' It Reel

Label: No Cows Records
Catalog No. TMC-001
Produced by Jeremy Rankin
Recorded: Christmas 1993

T. Michael Childs had one great idea: a Christmas comedy album. This is that album. He also had three terrible ideas. First, the title, Keepin' It Reel, did not convey the Christmas theme properly. Second, the album was released on Christmas Day, a day when no one wants to buy Christmas albums. Three, the material on the album deals neither with Christmas nor comedy, but rather is a psychotic rant about pancake batter. The only thing even remotely close to Christmas comedy is the track "Christmas Slug Bathhouses." This track starts with Childs screaming, "Christmas slug bathhouses!", then continued with his pancake batter diatribe. Sadly, T. Mike failed to keep it reel, or real. This album is no longer in print.

Sounds great to me! I think we're going to do it! We can make the actual album in about two hours, and from there on, it's pure profit.

Thanks, Tracy! Great A & R work! This one's gonna be big!

More fake albums you may want to distribute can be found here.

August 01, 2006

Calling All Jews! Mr.Gibson Needs Our Help!

So by now all of America and her collective cat have probably had a chuckle at Mel Gibson's booze-fueled tirade about us Jews, and how we love warmongering and whatnot-- and now he's sobered up, and, like all drunks, is feeling a mite fragile. And he wants our help.

Granted, he seemed to be asking this of Jewish leaders, but in a crazy religion like ours without a clear hirearchy (we ain't got no pope) I figure we all need to pitch in.

So, get ready to work some double shifts, Jews! I'll be pointjew for the west coast; any volunteers for the east?

Grab your handpuppets, snacks, and massage rollers! We've got a job to do!