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The History of the Blowjob

by Rob Terrell

Most people don't know it, but the blowjob was invented in 1972. It came out of the New York "swingers" scene. The American government supported the blowjob movement--it was seen as a way to get the average American back to work in a shorter amount of time. Before 1972, America workers spent an average of 80 hours a week in sexual congress with their wives.

The blowjob, although originally invented by bored drug users as another way to kill time, was seen by the government as a tool to increase productivity.

"With the Blowjob, workers spend less time in the sack and more time at their desks," said Spiro Agnew in his role as the White Houses' first Oral Sex Czar. In fact, it was soon discovered that workers could receive a blowjob while still sitting at their desks, but few workplaces actually implemented this innovation. Agnew, for all his official power, could not get desk-based blowjobs for the hard-working White House staff. (Several senior Senators, however, did manage to find the necessary funds in their budgets.)

Deep in the throat of the cold war, the blowjob was just the lever America needed to topple Communist Imperialism overseas. But what had the five-star generals in the Pentagon quivering, however, was not the expert attentions of the secretarial pool, but CIA field reports of a top-secret Soviet mechanized blowjob machine. The size of a football field, more than powerful enough to relieve an entire platoon of Red Army regulars in under four hours, the Pentagon saw this as the most immediate threat to national security.

General Curtis LeMay famously declared the "oral sex gap" and a crash program to build an American blowjob machine was begun deep in the Nevada desert under the dual expert guidance of Edward Teller and Dr. Harold Kinsley. Several billion dollars were poured into DARPA (the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration) but, after three years of trying, DARPA admitted failure when a visiting General LeMay was better serviced in a nearby brothel than by the machine itself. In a final memo to President Ford, LeMay decried DARPA's work as "better suited for masturbation than oral satisfaction" before committing suicide, fearful that this great nation would crumble under the sated Red Menace.

(After the end of the cold war, several generals from both sides met in Geneva. It was revealed that the "Blowjob machine" was nothing more than another Soviet maskirovka: empty inside, constructed of nothing more than cardboard; soldiers engaged in congress with the machine were coached on the proper facial expression to affect for the passing U-2s and spy satellites. The DARPA project was never fully shutdown and later became known as the DARPAnet, which was the foundation for today's Internet.)

In America, it was a time of experimentation. Other orifices, such as the ears and nose, were explored for their sexual potential. Ad campaigns and public-service announcements on radio and television tried to attract a skeptical public:

"'Blow' is just a figure of speech."
"The nose knows a good time."
"Stick it up your nose." -- a popular slogan until it was appropriated by cocaine users
"Just the wax, ma'am" -- Joe Friday from Dragnet did the ads for Aural sex

Blowjobs became government-supported under the administration of Gerald Ford, who was given the first nationally-televised blowjob during his 1975 state-of-the-union address. "Wow, that's great!" said an enthusiastic Ford. American productivity shot upward during the Ford administration, in part thanks to hordes of American women who worked hard to keep their men working--and got a government check to boot.

The program lost favor in the Reagan years when it was discovered that gay men could use the technique as well. Reagan's oft-heard stump speech told of a government-supported woman, "a welfare queen who used her blowjob money to buy cadillacs and even foreign autos." (While seemingly apocryphal, this story seemed true enough that several Cadillac dealers offered reduced prices to blowjob-givers, to "keep them buying American.") But the program could never be killed, even under Reagan. Casper Weinberger fought tooth and nail to keep it. "I'll give government cheese to poor people before I'll give up blowjobs."

Finally, the government paid out its last blowjob check under George Bush, who quietly closed the program down. The last blowjob in America was given in the waning months of 1989. An era had ended.


© copyright 2000 The Van Gogh-Goghs