THE THEO REPORT
for a new millennium."
Vol. 3, Issue 6............07/03/00
In this issue:
*All-new VGG site unveiled
*Other new stuff on the site
*Sorry about the 'suckers' business
*Win a t-shirt
*How to foist the Theo Report monkey from
IS THIS SOME KIND OF BACKSTREET BOYS FAN CLUB
Close. Very very close. We have their tight
harmonies but not their tight butts, alas. The
Theo Report is actually the official,
kinda monthly email newsletter of the Van
Gogh-Goghs. Read it, enjoy it, pass it along to
your pals and encourage them to sign up themselves
ALL-NEW VGG SITE UNVEILED
After months of work, hours of complaining,
minutes of yelling at Jason, and seconds of
planning, the completely redesigned Van Gogh-Gogh
site is here <http://www.vgg.com/>! Ooooh. Aaaaah.
Come admire its shiny new interface, its funky new
Flash front page, its fun new daily poll, its
groovy new VGGTV section, and its
not-without-its-charms search engine!
Even better, the site now features daily updates
every weekday. Every Monday through Friday, you'll
get a new essay, Web parody, jokes, comic video,
animation, or whatever else we've decided to throw
up there. So no matter when you come to the site
(provided that you don't come more than once a
day), there'll always be something new to see!
We're all just so excited about this we could
plotz. Seriously, we're plotzing right now!
(Hey Jason, what does "plotz" mean again? Really?
Uhhh, never mind about that plotzing business.
Just check out the cool new site. Now! Do it now!
And if you see anything that doesn't seem right,
let us know at <firstname.lastname@example.org>.
OTHER NEW STUFF ON THE SITE
* The 1999 House: VGGTV's new four-part series
transports a brave 2000 family way back to the
strange, primitive world of 1999. See how things
have changed at <http://www.vgg.com/1999house/>.
* Court Rules that the VGGs Are a Monopoly: And
not the fun kind of Monopoly, the kind with little
pewter hats and red hotels. Read the horrible news
yourself at <http://www.vgg.com/news/>.
* Prove Us Wrong: Dammit. You got us on that whole
movie incest thing, but this time we've got a
Prove Us Wrong we're sure of. Absolutely. One
hundred percent. Ninety-nin... seventy-fi... well,
pretty sure. See, VGG world HQ is right over an
optician's office, and sometimes the fumes from
the cutter laser they use to carve soft contacts
out of jellyfish bodies (where did you THINK they
came from?) clouds the mind sometimes. But we're
pretty sure that we're pretty sure that being
stranded on a desert island is just pathetic. Can
you Prove Us Wrong <http://www.vgg.com/uswrong.html>?
* The Great Doctor Soda Taste Test: If you'd
slugged down 43 different vaguely prune-flavored
sodas, chances are you'd sound about as incoherent
as we do at
* The Most Useless Uses of a Time Machine: Sure,
time machines would be cool ways to stop crime,
right wrongs, and win bets on sports events, but
they would also be great ways to waste time,
money, and energy. See
<http://www.vgg.com/timemachine.html> for more.
* A Brief History of Kremlin Fried Chicken: Our
esteemed sponsoring restaurant has long led the
fight for social equality amongst foodstuffs, and
you can read all about it at
Sad to say, but we weren't able to use eBay to
foist off a rapidly aging chair on some sucker.
Er, you should know that when we say "rapidly
aging chair," we mean "chair in the prime of
life," and by "foist off" we mean "find a loving
home for." "Sucker" is still accurate, though.
Because that's how the Van Gogh-Goghs see you: As
a bunch of suckers just begging to be taken
advantage of. Suckers that we love with all our
hearts, but suckers nonetheless. And no amount of
pleading or cajoling or bribing will get us to
change our minds. That's just the type of
steely-eyed, no-nonsense guys we are, you suckers.
So anyway, suckers, the star of Furniture Porn's
kinkiest layout, "The Bondage Seat," will be
sticking around VGG HQ for a little while longer.
We'll probably submit it for another auction
sometime this fall, after our installed base of
suckers expands a little. So tell your friends,
SORRY ABOUT THE 'SUCKERS' BUSINESS
Oh geez, we are sooo sorry, baby. You know how we
get when we've been drinkin'. We were out of our
head, didn't mean nothing by it. We promise ... no
more gin for breakfast. C'mon, you gotta forgive
us! It's just you and us against the world! We
Awww, we knew you'd forgive us. That's why we love
Heh heh heh. Suckers.
What? No, we didn't say anything.
Just because we got us a fancy new site doesn't
mean that we've forgotten the reason most of you
slog through the tiresome prose of The Theo
Report. We know you're really just interested in
getting FREE CRAP! And here's your chance. You,
yes you, can win your very own "classic" edition
of our stylish, comfortable, and remarkably
absorbent t-shirts. All you have to do is answer
this here puzzler:
What's the Wall St. Journal's (now irrelevant)
beef with us?
(Hint, you can find this info in the all-new
"About Us" section.)
Email the answer, your name, and mailing address
to <email@example.com>. In return, we'll joyously
send you your very own XL VGG shirt. Get on it.
For those of you keeping score at home, no one
answered last month's question correctly. The
answer was: "WARNING! Must be a geek to
understand." So no t-shirts for anyone.
CHECK OUT THE NEW SITE
Peruse our work and send the inevitable complaints
and snide remarks to firstname.lastname@example.org.