A Brief History Of Kremlin Fried Chicken

* 1897
Comrade V.I Sanders exiled to Germany after leading unsuccessful franchising riots against Czar's Czandwiches, Russia's leading fast food vendor.

* 1899
Comrad Sanders perfects secret blend of 1917 herbs and spices and posits the universal maxim of munchies: Work shall make you free, and food shall make you full.

* 1901
Arrested for agitation against the Grosse T Burger chain, Comrad Sanders is sentenced to three years of counter work at a remote Bavarian store.

* 1902
At great risk to himself, Comrade Sanders smuggles the Bourgeousie's long-held secret method of preparing corn on the cob in buttered water to allies in Minsk.

* 1904
Comrade Sanders is released from his Bavarian exile. Immediately, he begins to spread the word of the coming food revolution among the white trash and other upstanding members of the Proletariat.

* 1908
Fearing for his life, Comrade Sanders flees to Austria with his new deputy Leon David Thomasky and Joeray Kroclin. (Kroclin-era histories often downplay Thomasky's role in Kremlin Fried Chicken's development, but he is now generally considered the author of the "Policy of Five Fs: Fast, Friendly, Fun, and Faithful to Communist Ideals, or it's Free.")

* 1911
Declaring that "my time is nigh, and soon the meal of the Bourgeouisie will be on the plates of the people," Sanders begins concocting a ideologically pure dessert menu.

* 1915
Agitation for new dishes begins in Petrograd, Kiev, and even Moscow. Czar's Czandwiches replies with the bread sandwich.

* 1917
"Bread sandwich" is discovered to be simply three pieces of bread in a stack. Widespread unrest mars lunchtimes across Eurasia. Comrade Lenin takes advantage of the uproar to return to Russia and begin scouting locations for restaurants. On November 7, the first Kremlin Fried Chicken opens.

* 1918
Czar's Czandwiches declares bankruptcy. Kremlin Fried Chicken seizes all assets and introduces the Soviet Onion.

* 1919
First Franchising Congress is held, in hopes of extending the Kremlin Fried Chicken message to the world.

* 1920
Beginning of the New Eating Plan (NEP), a push to ensure that all Russian meals came from Kremlin Fried Chicken. Since the chain had, at most 10 locations at this point, the NEP led to mass starvation and counterrevolutionary calls to pizza delivery joints.

* 1924
Comrade V.I. Sanders steps down as leader of Kremlin Fried Chicken. Kroclin takes over daily management.

* 1927
Thomasky is expelled from management for suggesting the "Capitalist Size," which includes five ears of corn with each meal. According to KFC leaders, this would bankrupt the company both morally and financially.

* 1928
Kroclin's Five-Ear Plan, which includes five ears of corn with each meal, is introduced.

* 1939
World War II begins. Kremlin Fried Chicken contracts to supply all of Germany's condiments.

* 1941
Germany invade Russia. Rumors that their wienerschnitzels are laden with Kremlin Fried Chicken's mustard are completely untrue.

* 1946
The Warsaw Pactty Melt is introduced.

* 1949
Chinese division of Kremlin Fried Chicken established. Market penetration is approximately 90 percent, with only Hong Kong, Macau, and Taiwan unable to taste the sweetness of the Workers' Eating Paradise.

* 1950-1959
Kremlin Fried Chicken's attempts at establishing franchises in the United States are blocked by government action.

* 1956
Comrade V.I. Sanders makes his first public appearance in almost 39 years. Observers comment on his healthy glow and unmoving, glassy eyes. After standing stiffly and silently at an observation balcony for several minutes, Comrade Sanders is carried out of view.

* 1962
The Cuban Mussel Crisis. Capitalist running dog U.S. food companies object to Kremlin Fried Chicken's new seafood menu, introduced at our Havana store.

* 1965
The Kitchenware Debate. Foolish American food executive argues about packaging (bucket vs. bourgeouis paper wrapping) with Kremlin Fried Chicken officials.

* 1980
American cooks, fearing they will be outcooked by Russia's most lowly food workers, pull out of the Olympic cookoff. Chickens.

* 1984
Having won all the accolades they could handle for a while, Kremlin Fried Chicken boycotts the Olympic cookoff.

* 1988
In honor of the Soviet Premier, Gorbachef's Salad is introduced. It remains our worst-selling item.

* 1993
Kremlin Fried Chicken sells its 1,000,000 drumstick. In honor of the event, we hold a gala parade of all our delivery vehicles in Red Square.

* 1999
Kremlin Fried Chicken becomes the first Communist Chicken Restaurant, founded in Russia in the first part of the century, to have a Web site.

back to Kremlin Fried Chicken

Copyright © 1998-2000 The Van Gogh-Goghs