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Ask Dr. Joe!

From Dr. Joe's Email Mailbag

Today, I'll answer a question sent to me via email:

Dear Dr. Joe,
Why does it hurt when I pee?

Johnny, age 12
via the internet

Dr. Joe responds:

Whoa ho ho! Sounds like somebody just became a man! I remember when my father took me out for a night on the town, to make me a man. We didn't have much money for luxuries like prostitutes or medical school, so for me my father arranged for a half-hour spent with two blow-up sex dolls, a drugged baboon, and a melonballer. I walked out of that room knowing that I was now different from my friends. I had finally had sex. And with an animal, too.

But back to your problem. I'm a huge believer in homeopathy. Homeopathy comes to us through the wisdom of the ancients, like Pythagoras or Sam Nunn, who even though they didn't have microscopes and germs and stuff, still had powerful secret knowledge of their own. None of which I know, not being ancient, nor proficient in their crazy moon-man languages. But I do know one of their (less) powerful (not) secrets: the use of homeopathy.

Homeopathy holds that "like cures like." A traditional homeopathic cure for a bee sting is a dose of bee pollen. So, following this logic, a good cure for you would be a dose of the clap.

I suggest finding the cheapest, skankiest, scabbiest, cold-sore-having, living-on-the-streets crack whore possible -- as with most cutting-edge medical procedures, you may need to leave the country for this, although in this case might I recommend Detroit? -- and have dirty, dirty sex with her (or him) for as long as possible.

You see, you'll need to maximize your exposure to the bad germs in the prostitute's body. You might read up beforehand in the Kama Sutra (look for a copy in Mom and Dad's bedside cabinet, being careful not to touch anything made of plastic, or sneak a copy out of your local library's restricted section) for tips on activities and positions that can really ensure you get a good, full, mouth-watering taste of those germs.

Put his medical degree to use for you! Send your medical question to Dr. Joe!

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