Prove Us Wrong Number 20
So what happened here is the kids, these kids here on that Internet thing went and proved us wrong. Can you believe that, Sylvia? And the things they said, kids is just rotten today, rotten the things that come out of their mouths. Feh! Sylvia, where's the paper? Those Internet kids probably stole it. Oh there it is.
Although humans have 99.7% the same, identical DNA as chimpanzees, you'd still rather have sex with a panda than a chimp.
Subj: Sex with chimps or pandas?
Date: Saturday, March 3, 2001 6:03 PM
First off, I must supply this vital information: I am a man. I have a penis. A big penis....HUGE really, in fact, they modeled the Sears Tower after it....Anyhow, I am a male. Most males are attracted to females...those pretty, stupid, overly sensitive females who are so nice except when they kick ya in your hangin trio.
Now that we have this important info out of the way, I must barrage you
with even more worthless information.
Men are sexually attracted to visible body parts, such as hooters,
booties, smiles, feet, and penises....did i say penis? umm i meant to say
peepers, im not gay, IM attracted to women I SWEAR!@!!!!!!
Well where am i goin with this? I dunno, but men are attracted to
physical looks....NOT dna.....
For example, Personal ads often say this: SWM in search of a good
looking big breasted, shaven girl......NOT --SWM in search of a girl with a
99.3% DNA match and the fuzziness of a panda.
Basically, my point is this: men do not care about the genetic
similarities of what they do the butthole ballet with, they just care about
looks. This is why farmers screw sheep regardless of how far the DNA match
Sooooo we must compare the looks of a panda to the looks of a chimpanzee.
Pandas= fat, hairy, eat twigs, do not eat the bugs off of each other,
and are extremely rough in bed
Chimps= skinny, not quite as hairy, eat food, cleanse each other by
eating matty the meal worm and freddy the flea off each other.
Now look at these two singles ads:
My name is Dave, I want a woman who is skinny, not very hairy, who does not
eat twigs, and who will rid me of these annoying fleas and meal worms
My name is van gho gho, i want a fat, hairy, twig eatin, dirty panda to have
sex with me NOW! By the way, i also create scrap books of furniture porn
Now, who's RESOLVED idea are you gonna accept? Dave, whom wants an
attractive woman where a chimpanzee is a fully compatible substitute
Van gho ghos who happen to have extreme sexual deviations and jack off to
pictures of La Z Boys.
hmm tough question, the winner by far is Dave who is attracted to
chimps....although havin sex with a chimp can hardly classify someone as a
winner, when you compare it to some freak havin sex with a panda who is
mistakin a van gho ghos penis for a chunk of bamboo, then yes the chimp man
is the winner!
oh yeah and as for the female side of the spectrum.....females only have sex
with humans, they aren't as perverted as us men......those "see a girl have
sex with a horse" emails you get are all fake! in reality it is a guy havin
sex with a horse and they paste claudia scheiffers head on him.
so females would never screw a panda nor a chipanzee since they consider both EQUALLY disgusting, and males would rather screw a chimpanzee since its not as fat and it is less hairy and it will clean you up after you're done and smokin a ciggarrette.
Well Dave, they modeled the Sears Tower after your penis, hunh? It must suck to have a rectangular steel and glass penis that was built by the lowest bidder.
And you're not convincing me that chimps have got pandas beat in the looks category. Neither panda nor chimp has much of the secondary sexual characteristics that humans are typically attracted to. Granted, having your date picking and eating vermin off of you could be considered foreplay. Also a cheap date since you don't have to take them out to a restaurant. However, "twig eatin" (as you put it) pandas also means you don't have to take them to a restaurant either. So either way, cheap date.
And some people take offense at your characterizing pandas as fat. A, it's glandular and they can't help it and B, I prefer to think of them as voluptuous and rubenesque.
Did just I say "I?" I meant "not me," of course.
Date: Wednesday, March 7, 2001 5:33 PM
Subj: Prove us wrong...
I actually might rather sleep witha chip than a panda becuse they are smarter. Therefor, their smarts might show in bed.
Them chimps are smarter, aren't they? Maybe you can get one to proofread your emails before you send them. However, to address your point, I don't think smarts is any person's most desired quality in a bedroom partner. You may need them to maneuver your partner into bed in the first place, but once there, well, you don't expect your partner to factor a binomial while you're doing... you know... "it."
Subj: (no subject)
Date: Tuesday, March 13, 2001 8:14 PM
I would rather have sex w/ a sheep, they say it feels better
Sorry, we're not talking about sheep, we're talking pandas versus chimps here.
And who's this "they," anyway? Who are you getting this "feels better" stuff from? Those people aren't your friends, Kevin. Because real friends would never pressure you into having sex with sheep. Having sex with sheep isn't "cool," Kevin, no matter what your friends say. You don't need them. Don't let them try to turn you into something you're not. I think you need to see a particular ABC Afterschool Special...
Date: Tuesday, March 13, 2001 8:16 PM
Subj: Re: PROVING YOU WRONG
RESOLVED: Although humans have 99.7% the same, identical DNA as chimpanzees, you'd still rather have sex with a panda than a chimp.
PROVING YOU WRONG: I've had plenty of sex with chumps. Oh. You said
"Remember, when life hands you lemons, they make great missiles when studded with nails and frozen solid."
Hey, no problem. Anybody could make that "chimps;" "chumps" mix-up. Thanks for stopping by!
But I bet you wished you'd slept with a panda instead those chumps, am I right?
Date: Tuesday, March 13, 2001 8:58 PM
Dear "Think-you -are-the-all-knowing",
Even if you are right about the percentage between ape and human,
three percent can create several likelihood's of another species. That
is what makes the world so complex; to the extent that no asteroid/
spontaneous combustion could create such a masterpiece.
I wouldn't doubt the fact that people would rather sleep w/ a panda
than a chimp. I'm worried that they chose between the two.
First of all, it's MISTER Think-you-are-the-all-knowing, thank you very much. Second,I'd like to know what the hell nutso asteroid/spontaneous combustion theory of the origin of the Earth you are blatheringly referring to.
And third, you're absolutely right, you shouldn't have to choose between
a chimp and a panda. Obviously, if one can't be with the species you
love, you should love the species you're with. But ideally you're with
both a panda and a chimp, so praise the Lord and pass the prophylactics!
Failing that, scientists should breed some kind of "chimpanda" or "pandanzee," so we may have the best of both worlds.
Date: Tuesday, March 13, 2001 10:38 PM
Pickels can go bad, see, you were not specifis, You did not say, If they have been opened, And, You did not say If they have been refridgerated after breaking the seal, Well guess what folks, They do spoil, If the 2 above components are mixed togrther.
Exactly. Which just goes to prove our point that YOU WOULD RATHER HAVE SEX WITH A CHIMP THAN A PANDA. Dammit, did someone already have sex with a chimp? Say, one of your parents? And the baby was you? Is that's what happening here? Does that explain why you're responding to Prove Us Wrong topic FROM TWO YEARS AGO?
Date: Tuesday, March 13, 2001 11:35 PM
Subj: Prove Us Wrong
This resolve is weak and disgustingly flawed, you wrong people,
you.How can you prove I wouldn't rather have sex with a chimp? For your
"resolve" to be legitimate, you would have to prove that i wouldn't rather
have sex with a chimp, and this is impossible unless you ask me which animal
i would prefer to make sweet, sweet love to, and i give you an answer. In
any event, it's an opinion, and unlike truths, opinions cannot be
rationalized with logic (well, some), therefore rationalizing any kind of
argument against you would be a worthless waste of time because it holds no
legitimacy. Who says I'd have sex with either? What kind of strumpet do you
take me for?
AIEEEE! THE BRIGHT WHITE HOT LIGHT OF TRUTH!!! I'M MELTING!!!!! MELTING!! ARRRGGHHHHH!!!!
Well, of course it's weak and disgustingly flawed, dude! If it was a strong and completely self-evident resolution, it would preclude any debate and we wouldn't get terrific angry emails like yours!
As for it all being a "worthless waste of time," hell, then why'd you bother replying?
Now, have you stopped beating your wife?
Date: Wednesday, March 14, 2001 1:25 AM
Subj: pandas v. chimps
I've always said great sex should be accompanied by laughter. Which one of
these choices is gonna make you giggle? The chimp, of course. Pandas just
make you say 'awwwwww'. Who wants to hear that during sex?
Then there's the 'acrobatic' angle.........
First of all, laughter does not traditionally accompany great sex. Laughter traditionally prevents sex, especially when it comes right after I remove my underwear. And especially when I know it's that hurtful "at" kind of laughter and not the good "with" kind.
And secondly, It all depends on the intonation you use for "awwwwww," and whether you follow it with "yeah baby." Now THAT'S sexy.
Date: Wednesday, March 14, 2001 2:31 AM
Subj: Pandas? not so much.......
Pandas, though cuddly (if SO large), have the stinky bamboo breath and the ........ impotence factor counting HEAVILY against them. If forced to make the choice, I'd certainly prefer to have sex with a chimpanzee. I've had boyfriends who were closer to simian than human, so the familiarity is there. Better facial expression on the chimps, too. And even though both pandas and chimps are furry, chimps have places that are less densely furry. And after all the arguing, I still think the impotence factor is the most compelling one. If the panda is a moot point, you gotta go with the chimp.
...oooh. The... impotence factor. Ouch. Yeah, I think you've got us there. You've proved us wrong. You never hear about chimps having bedroom problems. Hell, chimps put the "monkey" in "hot monkey love!" But as soon as a zoo wants some baby pandas, the news is all... "Pandawatch, Day 39 - Ring-Ring has still shown no interest in mating with Ding-a-Ling. A nation waits... and prays."
So congratulations, you've proved us wrong!
Date: Wednesday, March 14, 2001 3:44 AM
Subj: Proven Wrong
Although humans have 99.7% the same, identical DNA as chimpanzees, you'd still rather have sex with a panda than a chimp.
That is your statement? There is a simple way to prove you wrong here: I doubt no more than 0.3% of the humans would know how to even APPROACH a panda, let alone getting close enough to one to have sex. Now, I suppose it would be possible to slip him/her a few drinks...but it would take a lot of alcohol to get a panda (who weighs much more than a chimpanzee) in a state where it would sleep with anyone. Even assuming you had the panda spread eagle on the ground, who would know where to go with it? If the human is a female (which I am not), I wouldnt want a 500lb panda on top of me, and I wouldnt be able to straddle this thing twice my size (which is why short guys always get the girls who like being on top, by the way). If the human was a male, I wouldn't which hole to enter (granted, I cant speak for every guy, but I'm pretty sure I speak for the vast majority)...
Now, a chimp, on the other hand, resembles a lover (hell, you could even pretend he is furry, or she is wearing a sweater). The anatomy is pretty close to that of a human. We are able to get them drunk easier, we know where to find a chimp, and chimps are used to being around humans a bit more than a panda.
There you have it, I would rather have sex with a chimp. You have been proven wrong
YESSS!!! It's worth being proved wrong just to hear you say "I would rather have sex with a chimp." I hope you and the chimp are very happy together.
As for not knowing what hole to enter, try the vagina- it's fantastic! If you still have problems, I think you need to see a particular ABC Afterschool Special...
Date: Wednesday, March 14, 2001 3:52 AM
Subj: Diatibes & Detrius
I would only lower my self to explain your arrogance. I will not however.
I refuse to become engaged in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Wow. Just think what a devastating put-down this would have been if you'd
actually spelled "diatribes," "detritus," and "myself" correctly. Thanks for, uh, NOT playing I guess.
Did we mention that spelling counts? Maybe this would be a good time to emphasize that. Folks, poor spelling makes you look like a utter, utter doofus. You might as put on overalls and run around barefoot going "hyuck, hyuck, hyuck." Learn to spell, people! Or at least how to use your computer's spell checker. Cripes!
Date: Wednesday, March 14, 2001 3:59 PM
Subj: Wrong, Simian Breath
No, no, no! I thought you people had managed to see through the thin,
transparent fabric of deception thrown up by those duplicitous pandas.
Take it from me, sex with a panda is one big letdown. Oh sure, they look
good in those cute two-tone masks, with those seductive bamboo shoots
hanging delicately from their luscious muzzles. They lie and tease, and
lure you into their clutches.
But the sex? Give me a chimp any day. A little bad breath and constant
parasite-picking are a mere distraction. Once one of those simian tarts
goes to work on you, you'll never go back to Pandas. You'll lie breathless,
steaming, drained, but ready for more. "Kill me with your wondrous tongue,
Betty" you'll cry. "Handle me roughly, make me smell like banyan bark, and
toss me aside. I'll come crawling back for more!"
You idiots couldn't be more wrong.
ps: you couldn't send a guy a few chimp phone numbers, could you?
Mmmmm, delicious banyan bark. Drool! Sorry, where was I? Oh boy, do you paint a compelling word picture. Especially with the banyan bark and all. Sure, a chimp has got all the right moves and is always there for you, but can't you see? We want what's bad for us, the beautifully cold panda with its aloof cuteness and sexy sad, haunting eyes. Sure they're lousy in bed and never call afterwards. But I can change him, I know I can! And we'll ride off together on his motorcycle, with me clutching his perfect black and white fur, gripping his taut firm stomach...
Uh. Sorry. Too much banyan bark, I think.
And get yer own chimp phone numbers, Don Juan.
P.S. Thumbs up on the accurate spelling!
Date: Wednesday, March 14, 2001 8:44 PM
Subj: Pandas vs. Chimps
Wouldn't a panda beat the sh*t out of you if you tried?
Hey, don't sell the chimps short in the beating the sh*t out of you department! Rangy, agile, and notice all them teeth? Also, swinging from a tree all day gives you awesome biceps, triceps, pecs, delts, lats and glutes. And since their feet are like extra hands, that's two extra fists. I'm not saying a chimp would win in a fight against a panda. I'm just saying why not give it a shot and let's see. Say, on pay-per-view.
Date: Thursday, March 15, 2001 11:30 PM
we elected Clinton didnt we
Yes. Yes we did. Good observation.
Okay,I'm gonna go out on a limb here and interpret this cryptic comment to mean that former president Clinton chose to have sex with the "panda," i.e. Monica Lewinsky, over the "chimpanzee" of his wife Hillary. In which case, you agree with us. But your tone suggests you disagree. Hmmm.
Or maybe Clinton represents the randy "chimpanzee" that we Americans "went to bed with" over the republican "panda" of Bob Dole in the 1996 election.
I'm going to have to think about this one some more. Go on to the next one.
Date: Saturday, March 17, 2001 9:57 AM
Subj: sex with pandas or chimps
Sorry....you are wrong. Most humans and rednecks that are into bestiality actually prefer sex with either a). sheep or b). dogs depending on which region you live in......so go have fun with your pandas boys.....
What the...! Man, you snooty dog and sheep f*ckers really piss me off. You think you're all high and mighty just cause you have sex with dogs and sheep instead of pandas. "Oooh, look at me, I'm so great, I'm having sex with a dog and/or a sheep. La la la la la." Well excuse me, little Lord Fauntleroy, I guess me and my panda will go back to the ghetto where "our kind" belong. That's fine with me! Because I'd rather live in poverty with my panda than spend one minute in your fancy sheep and dog filled mansions! You couldn't pay me enough to have sex with your dogs 'n' sheep! I hope you have so much sex with dogs and sheep that you choke!!!
Lousy stuck up jerks.
Date: Sunday, March 18, 2001 5:52 PM
Subj: simply wrong...
I can't believe it took me this long to figure out exactly why, although
incredibly funny, and entertaining, you guys are nevertheless wrong.
This is based simply on the fact that I would not rather have sex with a
panda than a chimpanzee. I am 100% equally opposed to having sex with
either of them.
Other than that...you guys rock!
Oh you, flattery will get you everywhere. And you have neatly sidestepped this particular Prove Us Wrong issue. The best sexual partner is neither. How very Zen of you. Well, enjoy celibacy. Someone should.
Date: Saturday, March 24, 2001 10:25 PM
Subj: ME AH YOU I UM WHAT
HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHA I WIN ME MEMEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
AHASAHEIHHIIHHHHHHHIIHIHHHIEE FEEL MY COLD CANADIAN GRASP AND FEAR THE LEAF
LOOK A HAMSTER EATING BOB DOLE
SOME ONE SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE THAT HAMSTER FROM A TERRIBLE UNPASSABLE BOWLMOVEMENT
DID I SPELL TERRIBLE WRONG
Date: Saturday, March 24, 2001 11:25 PM
Hi love the arms on that one.
How they reveal them self's joist leaves me standing on end, if you know
what i mean.
However i can also recomend straps around the legs for extra support and
Uh, no. I have NO idea what you mean. Your email is almost completely incomprehensible. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that English is not your first language. Now beat it, ya filthy foreigner- get yer ass back where ya came from, before I sic the INS on ya!
Date: Wednesday, March 28, 2001 2:51 PM
I totally agree with you, cheese is the best. Every problem could be solved
with a chunk of cheese.
Even the problem of whether to have sex with a chimp or a panda? That's a lot to expect of any food product. Tell ya what, sugarlump, why don't you go wait in the car for daddy while he figures out which cheese will get people to comment on the CURRENT PROVE US WRONG INSTEAD OF THE ONES WE DID TWO YEARS AGO!!!
Gouda? No. Havarti? No. Maybe a nice gruyere. But Finnish or Swiss...?
Date: Friday, March 30, 2001 10:44 AM
Subj: No Subject
you can't fix stupid. besides you have proven nothing.
Hey, we don't fix garbage if ain't broke- we burn it!!! Wait, I screwed that up. Howzabout: I can fix you, buddy- with my fists!!
Ah, to hell with it. Go slice a salami, doof. You sure as hell didn't prove no nothing, neither, nohow. At least we're out here trying! Usually it's our reader's patience, but it's better than your nattering nabobs of negativity!
Okay Internet kids, the thing with the chimps and the what? The pandas? Oy. Okay, it's all been proved wrong on account of how the pandas got the droop in their drawers when it's showtime between the sheets. So go home! And quit snitching my paper- I'm watching you, Internet kids! Sylvia, I'm going to the bathroom; watch the kids don't steal the silver. And to think we have to put up with this whole mess again next time on...
Prove Us Wrong!