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Prove Us Wrong Number 4

The Van Gogh-Goghs were happy to share their wisdom with the great teeming multitudes who wandered through life, purposeless and void. But then the great teeming masses turned on the happy-go-lucky Van Gogh-Goghs, who only wanted to help people. And in started the great teeming masses, with the ifs, ands, and buts. And with their "special cases" and "extraordinary circumstances" they picked the Van Gogh-Goghs' beautiful wisdom to pieces. Well, I hope you're all real proud of yourselves. The statement below has been proved wrong.

RESOLVED: Cheese is the best part of anything that has cheese in it.

From: tadpole@(deleted)
Date: Sat, 17 Jul 1999 12:55 PM


You claim that cheese is the best thing in anything that has cheese in it. While this is largely true (i.e. mac and cheese, cheeseburgers, etc.), there are several examples to the contrary that frankly, I'm surprised you overlooked.

1. Pizza. I'm sorry, but there's no way that cheese is the best thing on a slice. Obviously, it varies from pizza joint to pizza joint...the best thing on the pie could be anything from the sauce (be it tomato based, pesto, or otherwise), the veggies, the garlic, or what have you. However, it's almost never the cheese.

2. Grilled cheese with broccoli and tomato. Yes, the cheese is vital to such a creation. However, while I am not sure whether it's the broccoli, the tomato, or the combination thereof that surpasses the cheese in the competition for "best" component of the sandwich, one thing is certain...it ain't the cheese.

3. Chocolate and cheese muffins. Chocolate is better than cheese. I don't think this even merits further exploration. I don't give a damn how trite it is...chocolate is the bomb.

I could go on, but I'll spare you. In the immortal words of a response to an earlier prove-us-wrong challenge, "booyah," fine sirs.

Let the madness continue.


To Rebut:
RE: Point 1: If there's no cheese on the pizza, it is no longer pizza. Thus, cheese is the most important and therefore best part of the pizza.

RE: Point 2: Cheese is the best part of a grilled cheese sandwich. Therefore, by extension, it is also the best part of any augmented grilled cheese sandwich (here, broccoli and tomato). Furthermore, broccoli is too lumpy to put into a sandwich, much less one that can be then successfully grilled, so you just made up this sandwich, so the point is moot.

RE: Point 3: What the hell are you talking about? Who makes chocolate and cheese muffins? Who eats them? Yuck! This is something you made up again, or you'd be right. Unless you're talking about cream cheese, which isn't real cheese and doesn't count.
Booyah, yourself, sir.

just a line

From: Bonnie1318@(deleted)
Date: Sun, 17 Jul 1999 10:54 PM

your right!

To Rebut:
Why can't we get more emails like this?

just a line

From: bethron3@(deleted)
Date: Sun, 18 Jul 1999 9:26 PM

Two words my friend: HEAD CHEESE.
anything with Head Cheese in it is inherently bad, very, very bad.

thank you,
ron hollingshead and jon sandruck, Experts.

To Rebut:
Two people to write this?! One types the consonants and the other the vowels, right? Okay, agreed, head cheese is very, very bad. But head cheese is not really cheese! Head cheese is a kinda sausage made from cow and pig faces. If you were really experts, you'd know this. Anyway, your point is moot. Plus, how many recipes calling for head cheese are there? Mmm-hmm. Just as I thought. So your point is DOUBLE moot! Nyahh!

just a line

From: jeremiahblade@(deleted)
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1999 2:56 PM

If the woman (or man) of your dreams, the love of your life or your your favorite daytime soap celebrity were to eat a peice of cheese, the best thing about her (him) would still be her (his) dreamy (peircing) eyes that you could get lost in for eternity etc...

To Rebut:
Curses! Darn you for all eternity! We should have said cheese was the best part of anything made with cheese, not "that has cheese in it" Ooo! I'm so agitated I could just pop. You have proved us wrong! However, you misspelled "piece" and "piercing," and you repeated "your" before "favorite daytime soap." So that's two points off for you. Ha!

just a line

From: HrseWhsper@(deleted)
Date: Wed, Jul 21, 1999 10:58 PM

Although it's the variation in opinion that ultimately destroys your findings, I can offer a few reasons why your ridiculous resolution "Cheese is the best part of anything with cheese in it" is not true. Of course, my superior intellect surpasses the likes of yours and the whole crew! (I mean this in the nicest way possible)

1. Pizza Why do pizzerias offer cheese-less pizza? Because it isn't the most desirable part. Neither the sauce, for there is white pizza. The best part of pizza is the crust, of course!

2. Music
Evidence: Artist: Nirvana
Album: Bleach
Title: Big Cheese
Believe me, the Big Cheese wasn't the best part.

3. Body Cheese isn't always a good thing. "Fumunda Cheese" comes fumunda your toes. That isn't pleasant at all. Also, when cheese comes from out of a baby's mouth, perhaps when "burping it." That cheese is more sad looking and holds a semi-repulsive odor. That definitely isn't the best part about babies.

Thus, with this proof, your resolution is incorrect. You have messed with an expert, and I take no prisoners, I behead them before trial. Have fun, stay safe, and just say no!

Ruthlessly efficient,

To Rebut:
RE: Point 1: Dude, cheeseless pizza isn't pizza. It's just bread. As you say, sauceless pizza is still pizza, but take away the cheese and it is no longer pizza. Thus, your point is moot.

RE: Point 2: We are talking about real cheese here. Not songs with cheese in the title. You're just being silly while we are trying to have a serious discussion about the enormity of the implications of living in a cheese-centric universe, where all other foods revolve around cheese! Cheese whiz, man!

RE: Point 3: See point two. Besides, "toe cheese" is just a slang misnomer. It is technically known as "toe jam." And also, I don't know what you're spreading on your crackers, but dude, that stuff that comes out of a baby's mouth ain't cheese. It is technically known as "vomit."

Thusly we hand you your foolish head on a plate.

just a line

From: Ciberkillr@(deleted)
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 9:00 PM

Contrary to popular belief, cheese is not always the best thing in whatever holds it... read on, but bring some sort of alcoholic beverage (trust me, it'll make this more believable).

The year- 1987. Bush is in office... and bored. President Bush gets wasted on Jack Daniels and decides to call a well known jewler (who shall remain nameless due to his depraved mental state and numerous mob connections). Bush demands that the Jewler make a "special" ring.... cased with both white gold and platinum, and surrounding a ring of Pepper Jack cheese. Nobody knows where this ring is today. Some say it was worn by Mister T himself, but sold when he went broke. Now.... in the present, suppose that ring breaks, showing the true cheese that was hidden in precious metals. What's more valuable (and likewise better): cheese, or Platinum? I rest my case.

- submitted by Clayton Walker
Please E-mail me back. I wanna know what my poit has done to your pea sized brains. Suffer, Chickens!

To Rebut:
Hmm. Interesting. I had no idea that former President Bush was in office a full year before he was elected, you large, large dope! This puts a major crimp in your conspiratorial cheese ring story, rendering it almost totally moot due to factual error. Besides, Bush only drank Southern Comfort due to a deal he cut with the South to get their electoral votes. But, we, the Van Gogh-Goghs, can afford to be magnamious. Suppose we take your story at face value. Would cheese be the best part of an item of cheese jewelry? Sure the precious metals might be more valuable, but are they the best part of the ring? I ask you, if you were out in the desert and really, really hungry, which would you rather have, some delicious cheese...or a really ugly ring that once belonged to Mr. T? Not so valuable now, is it, Mister Chicken-Boy?

just a line

From: kanderson@(deleted)
Date: Friday, July 30, 1999 5:57 AM

Where as I would agree with you in most instances, there are a couple of exceptions.

Bacon Double Cheeseburger....without the cheese it wouldnt be good, but the Bacon is what makes it good.
Pepperoni Pizza....when you bite into one of those succulent pepperonis, you forget all about the cheese.


To Rebut:
Ah the double whammy of bacon and cheese in a bacon double cheeseburger! Yes my friend, they are nearly equals, however you forgot one simple thing. It is a bacon double cheeseburger, not a double bacon cheeseburger. There's twice as much cheese as bacon! So because of that, plus the fact that the cheeseburger predates the bacon cheeseburger proves the superiority of cheese. Oh, and pepperoni isn't succulent. It's more kind of chewy.

just a line

From: egoldberg@(deleted)
Date: Sun, 30 Jul 1999 9:28 AM

How bout chocolate cheesecake. I have to say the best thing about a real good chocolate cheesecake is the chocolate not the cheese.

As much as I love cheese I have to say that on a desert scale cheese always comes after chocolate!


To Rebut:
Yeah yeah yeah, chocolate is better than cheese. Blah blah blah. But cheesecake isn't really made with cheese, now is it? It's made with cream cheese and that isn't really cheese! Neither are the cottage, head, dick, or toe varieties that make false claims to the regal status of real cheese! So, your point is moot.

just a line

So, if a beautiful man or handsome woman eats cheese, well, dammit, cheese is not the best part of them. Nuts. Called on a technicality. Phooey. And we would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids and your Internet!

Thanks for playing. . .
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