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by Jason Torchinsky
I like to think of myself as a good listener, but I suspect I'm the only one who does. Honestly, I'm about as good a listener as Ben Franklin was a break dancer. I mean, come on, if I'm being really attentive, I'm probably just trying to gain access to your pants, and even then I usually have some old episode of Jabberjaw running in my head while I nod and look deep into your eyes, seemingly hanging on every word.

Sadly, I'm somewhat inattentive, but that's not always bad. See, just the other day I misheard somebody talking about their toothpaste. I don't really remember the context of this scintillating conversation, but I do remember hearing the phrase "tooth widening" toothpaste. Damn, I thought, they've got everything. Only later did I learn that it was tooth whitening toothpaste, but that didn't stop me from being so plagued by this creepy dental vision I made the following product mockup:
Oh, that tooth widening formula, that's good stuff. I mean, damn, I'm sick of these narrow, narrow teeth! And of flossing! What I need are some nice, wide teeth, eventually turning into two arcs of unbroken enamel in my mouth, like attractive cartoon people i.e. those teens from Scooby Doo, espcially the girl with the scarf and the guy with the ascot, had. Oh, and tooth widening toothpaste ads would often include visuals like the rollover thingy below:
All this just because I don't pay so much attention. Maybe I should get a free hearing aid.

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