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Alternative Condoms

by Rob Terrell

We've all been there. You're hot to trot...your soon-to-be-mate begs for your attentions...your reach into that bedside cabinet and what do you find? No, beside the lube. Under the silk hanky. It's the condom box. And it's empty.

Do not fear, dear reader. We, the Van Gogh-Goghs, are here to help. You see, five-sixths of the group were at one time Boy Scouts, which means that we were expert at adapting to unexpected situations and improvising from found materials (although it also meant we didn't have much call for condoms).

Here are our suggestions for ways you can jury-rig a condom from materials you probably already have around the house:

Wax paper and Masking Tape

A kitchen klassic. Like any tube of meat packaged for sale, simply roll it up, fold the end, and tape generously to seal the juices in.

Toilet Paper Tube

One thing you'll always find in a guy's apartment -- a used toilet paper roll, almost certainly sitting on the toilet paper holder. Grab the roll, wad some extra kleenex into the end, and have at it!

A Shoe

In an extreme pinch, you can always slip on a tight-fitting althetic shoe. Be sure to avoid all forms of dress shoes, especially women's shoes, as the sharp angles and intense dyes can cause discomfort.

A trash bag

This is the most complete solution. A trash bag -- with leg holes cut out, worn as a baggy pair of briefs -- will not only provide you with protection for basic coitus, but also provides a sealed barrier against disease for any number of other unmentionable acts! You could do anything you wanted!

And don't forget...

Mustard, nature's spermicide. The spicier the better -- the hotter the mustard, the more sperm gets killed. We recommend Beaver Hot brand mustard, for fun verbal gags that'll keep you giggling all night.


© copyright 2001 The Van Gogh-Goghs