After careful scrutiny of four different cans, I came to the conclusion that
humans are not genetically predisposed to be trashcans, simply because we have no
place to hold the garbage. One man can only eat so much trash before he becomes
useless in this field. To counteract my genetic inferiority, I created a special
trashcan simulator, the A.S.C.O.T. (Apparatus Simulating Can Of Trash). The
parts of the A.S.C.O.T. are as follows:
- 1. Plastic Trash Bag
- The trash can lining, which prevents the grossification of the trash
can from discarded solids, liquids, and gels.
- 2. Folding Chair
- This simulates the relative height and width of the standard city
trashcan, as well as prevents the human subject from quitting early due to muscle
and joint fatigue.
- 3. Hat Labeled "Trash Can"
- The hat is needed to complete the camouflage.
- 4. Ascot
- My way of celebrating the fact that I thought of a clever acronym on
my first try.
Sitting inside the A.S.C.O.T., I began to feel the euphoria that a trashcan must
feel. This euphoria was short-lived. The folding chair tipped over due to an
advanced seating technique I was employing called "leaning." The tumble I
experienced as a result caused the A.S.C.O.T. to be damaged at the folding chair,
which was now bent beyond the point of buttock support, and the hat, which I
I allowed myself to shed a tear of loss for the damaged A.S.C.O.T., and then
began to create the simulator I would eventually use in the day's event. This
simulator, the N.O.V.A.S.C.O.T.I.A. (New Ortho-Vecto Apparatus Simulating Can Of
Trash, I Assume), differed from the A.S.C.O.T. in four ways: I used a new folding
chair, created a new hat, invented the term "Ortho-Vecto" to create another cool
acronym, and replaced the ascot with a map of the Atlantic Provinces of Canada.
After numerous tests (the exact numerous of tests being three) proved the
stability of the N.O.V.A.S.C.O.T.I.A., I finally was ready for the day's great
Once the apparatus was ready, I decided to find an assistant for my day.
Although I knew that trashcans didn't have assistants, I also came upon the
realization that if I didn't take someone with me, I would never accomplish my
task, seeing as how I suffer from what doctors describe as a "lazy body." I
called the nicest member of the Van Gogh-Goghs, Galen Black, and asked him if he
would help me record my day as a trashcan. He asked me if there were any way for
him to weasel out of this. I said no. He said he'd gladly do it then.