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May 22, 2006

A Dream I Had About My Friend Jason

A Dream I Had About My Friend Jason

With Commentary

by T. Mike

The Dream:
     In the dream, my good friend Jason and his real-life girlfriend Sally have their own television series where they play lovers and free-lance insurance claims investigators. Their ever-fretful boss is played by a young Richard Pryor, and their comic relief sidekick and fellow investigator is played by Buddy Hackett. They travel the great American Southwest dodging danger and scams and con men, investigating murders, accidents, and rackets to determine the truth. But Jason, an orphan, was raised on the mean streets of the big city, where he learned a thing or two about con games himself. Three card monty? - strictly kindergarten, man.

     They go to all the hot spots - Reno, Vegas, Nevada's legal brothels, L.A., Frisco, wherever they're needed. They've even done a job or two for the Mafia- good for the reputation.

     The show is set circa 1980, although the relative youth of Pryor and Hackett would put it in the 1960s. But that's dreams for you.

     In the particular episode I dreamt about, Jason and Sally are called in to determine if the actual Maltese Falcon statuette used in the famous film of the same name has been destroyed, or if only a replica has. The original, being such a noteworthy movie prop was heavily insured, and if the real one was destroyed the insurance company would have to pay a lot of money. The case takes some strange turns as Jason and Sally end up reenacting certain scenes from the Maltese Falcon as they hunt for the truth.

     Well, I at least know exactly where the Maltese Falcon came from. My and Jason's mutual friend and fellow Van Gogh-Gogh Charles actually has one! Yes, you can buy replicas of the famous movie prop! Keen! The insurance claim-investigating thing comes from my grandfather, who actually did that for a living, although not "free-lance." I have no idea if a "free-lance" insurance investigator is even possible. It just sounds better for television, and gives the characters the freedom to travel where ever the writers want to set that week's show. My grandfather actually owned a revolver for the job, which he kept in the trunk of his car. So this part of the dream is based on idle speculation that my grandfather had a cool job. If you own a gun as part of your job, your job is automatically cool. At least it is when you're twelve.

     Why Richard Pryor and Buddy Hackett, and why the younger, 1960s incarnations of them? To be frank, this is just casting genius on my part. This series was just MADE with Pryor and Hackett in mind. If we can't get Pryor, I could settle for Tim Reid. But there's just no replacing Hackett! Well, maybe Jack Black. Also, for whatever reasons, my strongest impressions/memories of both come from their appearances in 1960s movies. Buddy Hackett from the Herbie films, and Richard Pryor from his appearance in Wild in the Streets, where he doesn't yet have his trademark mustache. So their ages are wildly off, but this is good, solid casting for television character types in this series, if I do say so myself, and I do.

     Jason and Sally could probably pull off this series, especially with Pryor and Hackett to back them up. They'll need guest stars though. Lot's of 'em. Every week. And this series is built for it! Each week a new locale and new people to meet- some innocent, some guilty! Somebody call Robert Goulet and George "Goober" Lindsey already! I'm also proud of finding a way to set up a crime series without resorting to such horribly overused cliché occupations as police, lawyers, private eyes, or forensic specialists. Seriously, this is a new twist on an old standard that's crazy enough to work. Also, the insurance angle leaves plenty of room for battling corruption and evil- people are always trying to pull off insurance fraud. But the crimes aren't so horrible as to bring down the audience. The series would be a dramedy, following in the footsteps of successful light-hearted crimebusters like The Rockford Files, Moonlighting, and Remington Steele.

     My friend Jason in real-life is not really an orphan, of course, and the only streets he grew up on were suburban and safe. But for his character, this is great, because who better to catch a con man, than a former con man? He can be clever and funny when he scams the scammers and gives them their just desserts, and also gives him the ability to be poignant when need be when he recalls his difficult childhood, which makes him sympathetic (and irresistible to the female demographic!). And maybe the orphan thing can be turned into a season ending cliffhanger when maybe one parent turns out to be alive or something. Or if the ratings need spicing, we can make it a multiple-episode plot arc about the terrible secret behind their tragic deaths.

     Sally is the hot babe, because you can't get a television show made without at least one. Period. I'm serious- name me one prime time series without one. All I can think of is the old sitcom Alice, because Alice wasn't hot, Vera wasn't hot, and Flo... well, for some reason, we were supposed to THINK she was hot, and all the characters acted like she was the hot one, but c'mon, she WAS NOT HOT. That beehive hairdo?! And she was always chewing gum and when is that EVER attractive? Blech! She probably just put out for anybody, even that nerdy telephone repairman who only ate there so he could insult the food.

     Aw crap, I almost forgot the cool car! There is a cool car. Jason and Sally travel around in an iconic, cool, vintage car of some kind. That's television gold, my friends, TELEVISION GOLD! We'll work out what type car exactly when we pitch the series to the big three in Detroit for show sponsorship.

What conclusions can be drawn from this dream?
1. Richard Pryor looks kind of cool without the mustache.
2. Hey Hollywood, I gots a series to pitch!
3. Flo from Alice was clearly not hot.
4. Seriously I am gawddamn sick of frickin' cop shows and frickin' lawyer shows already.
5. Hollywood, call me, let's talk! We'll do lunch, discuss options, whatever!

I thank you for your time.

Back to T. Mike's other dreams

Ask Dr. Joe: constipation?

Ask Dr. Joe!

Dr. Joe-

Why do people get constipated? It's been happening a lot lately. What shuold I do? HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad Breath

In humanity's prehistoric form, constipation was a process of conservation. Excrement would be preserved and hardened in the colon; new excrement would be added to the solidifying mass. Eventually, the mass would become incredibly dense -- heavier than an equivalent chunk of bronze. Medical anthropologists have found that prehistoric man would literally "drag his ass" around on ground during this phase. Finally, the mass would be passed via the Lacan Duct, a second sphincter modern humans no longer possess. The excrement itself would be used as fuel for fires, as a base for soup stocks, or as a symbolic artifact used during what passed for early man's religious ceremonies.

Today, constipation is merely an irritating reminder that all humans evolved from an older, more disgusting, form. To flush your system, drink plenty of liquids. If you can find water polluted with heavy metals, drink that -- the metal will bond to the turd, weighing it down and making it easier to pass.

Also, if you've been taking a lot of drugs lately, you can get constipated, from cramming them in your ass.

May 18, 2006

New VGG Crap for you to Buy!

Li'l Stupid
The VGG Crappery has now been updated with, appropriately, a crapload of new products featuring the new VGG mascot, Li'l Stupid. Why not buy some crap?

May 17, 2006

What's REALLY wrong with the NSA

I know there's all kinds of ruckus about how the NSA has been keeping track of every phone call we've ever made, and, while this is a huge problem, the real problem is that the NSA has some kind of super-fetus program in place and has been using them, as in the case of Gen. Michael Hayden (pictured here) as their chief.

Now, this picture doesn't show it, but I believe behind the podium you could see his umbilical cord snaking out of his tiny trousers and down into a bucket of custard or Fruity Pebbles or something. And everything here is scaled down to fetus-sized. Look at those teeny (yet still seemingly too tight) glasses!

I mean, the real problem here is that this fucker is in charge of the NSA and yet he has no life experience-- hell, he's not even born! And I think we know why this administration's so against abortion: they want all the fetuses for themselves, to staff the NSA!

Plus, if all this isn't bad enough, there's nude pictures of this unborn fucker all over the internet. See?

May 15, 2006

A Dream I Had About Al Franken

A Dream I Had About Al Franken
With Commentary
by T. Mike

The Dream:

    In my dream, comedian, author, and former Saturday Night Live regular Al Franken has become king. Not of America of course, and I'm not exactly sure precisely what country he's king of, but it's probably England, as it's the most well-known of the current countries still ruled by monarchy. Also, I keep affecting a fake British accent in the dream.

    I am King Al's personal assistant. He has just only recently become King; everyone is still surprised by this strange turn of events. The large kingly mansion is a-bustle with activity. The King is boning up on the country's history with an unusual mix of materials: my old college history notebook and priceless original historical documents such as a letter from King Quentin from 1423 (yes, I know there was no King Quentin, this is just a king my subconscious made up). King Franken is hurriedly flipping through the papers as he dresses to get ready for some kingly ceremony. I'm wincing as he reads because the notebook is all marked up with my grades. And while I did pretty well, there was that one D that dragged my whole average for the class down to a C.

    Fortunately for me, however, King Al either doesn't seem to care or notice, and instead makes some comment about the shocking content of some of the original letters that the public has never seen. My curiosity stoked, I slyly suggest that I could transcribe the handwritten and archaically worded letters for his majesty, to make it easier for him to read them. He offhandedly agrees, and once he's ready, we set off down a busy hall to get him to the auditorium for the ceremony. However, he sets a rapid pace, pulling in front of me, then ahead, and after a few turns I've lost him! I double back and check a few side doors, sticking my head into a massive kitchen, where the heat has gotten so bad some of the attractive female chefs have doffed all of their clothing except for the chef hats. I would love to stick around if I wasn't so freaked out about losing track of the King. By now, I'm positive that I didn't just accidentally lose him, but rather he has quite deliberately ditched me. And very likely skipped out on whatever ceremony we were just en route to.


    This dream is kind of weird, even for me. While I respect Al Franken as a comedian, and for his courage in poking fun at high-ranking Republicans, I hardly idolize him, much less think him of kingly stature. Even in the dream he acts like a normal guy, and to his credit, is not trying to put on any false airs. The way he ditches me and the ceremony shows that he is not totally into the whole "King" thing and not that interested in power.

    For some bizarre reason, I have always thought I would make a pretty good butler, and I can do a decent upper class British accent (my years of watching Monty Python's Flying Circus were not a total waste!). Well, here in my dream, I get my big chance to do both, and I blow it. It's really not my fault, really. Franken is obviously not willing to work with me here. He probably thinks it's funny that he ditched me (especially so easily). Also, this is his first ditching, so I wasn't really prepared for it. You can bet if the dream had gone on, I'd have been watching him like a hawk after that!

    Fortunately for me, the dreams ended before I had to deal with the consequences of that thoughtless, thoughtless Al Franken. But really- if a leader misses a scheduled public event, who gets the blame? That leader, not his personal assistant! What was I so worked up about?! I need to relax. This is not my "fault." And in retrospect, even though maybe Franken knew I'd freak out on the enditchment, he probably also knew I wouldn't get the blame, enabling him to ditch with a clear conscience. At least as far as I was concerned. So while Franken's irresponsible in my dream, at least he's not a total ass.

What conclusions can be drawn from this dream?
1. I loves historical documents.
2. I can't believe he ditched me. What is this? Grade school?
3. Comedians do not make reliable political leaders.
4. Before you ask, no I have never seen the film King Ralph and don't particularly care to.
4. Before you ask, no I have never read Franken's novel where Franken gets elected president. And don't particularly care to.
5. Naked female chefs are hot.
6. I want credit for inventing the word "enditchment."
I thank you for your time.

back to T. Mike's Dreams

May 13, 2006

Ask Dr. Joe: buy drugs from Canada?

Ask Dr. Joe!
Dear Dr. Joe, I have a very dangerous thyroid condition. Last week my prescription for prednisone ran out, but I can't afford to renew the prescription. My friends tell me I should use the internet to buy the drugs from Canada. What do you think?

Read more for the answer...

Look, pills are pills. No matter who makes them, or what they print on the labels, they're all the same stuff. So if you're out of your regular stuff, substitute whatever you have handy -- amoxycillin, aspirin, birth control pills, smarties, whatever you've got.

Also, remember that much of the best part of a pill, the husky gelatin exterior, is wasted in your esophogus and gut. Suppositories are the best way to get drugs into your system. Look at drugs addicts -- they're always cramming drugs up their ass. If you're not afraid of your rectum, try cramming your medication up your ass. You could cut your dosage in half -- though after you try it once, I bet you won't want to!

So, to sum up: take whatever pills you have in the house. If you're totally out of pills: visit a neighbor, excuse yourself to the bathroom, and take pills they have there. Although you might want to discreetly pocket them and cram them up your ass in the privacy of your own home.

Or not, it's up to you. There's no doctor who knows better about your needs than Dr. you!

-- Dr. Joe

May 10, 2006

Nothing Happens for 5 Years

Nothing Happens to Comedy Group for 5 Years

Van Gogh-Goghs Unable to Explain Lack of News

LOS ANGELES, May 10, 2005 (VGG Bicoastal Press) - Van Gogh-Goghs and Van Gogh-Goghs watchers alike were stunned to learn that nothing newsworthy has happened to the Los Angeles-based sketch comedy group in five years. A quick check of the publicly accessible Van Gogh-Gogh News Archive ( clearly shows that the last news item is dated May 10, 2001.

The Van Gogh-Goghs instituted their news program in January of 1998 to reveal shocking evidence they had uncovered in the Monica Lewinsky scandal, which was later revealed to be poorly faked. From 1998 thru 2000, the group averaged 12.33 news items a year. Then, in 2001, all Van Gogh-Gogh news suddenly stopped dead after only the fourth release of that year (see graph, inset).


When asked about the strange gap, members of the group expressed shock and confusion. "What?" asked member Galen Black when informed, "Who? Where? When? Why? How? How much? And to what degree?" Black was then led to the nurses' station and given a juice box.

Group newsologist T. Mike Childs tried to explain the news drought as a shift in the group's standards. "Standards of newsworthiness change with time. What was newsworthy five years ago may today be of little or no interest today. I think this is true with the VGG news. Five years ago, all of our antics were newsworthy. Now? Who cares? Nobody. Not even me." Childs then broke into tears and had to be escorted to the nurses' station.

Biblical scholar and former Van Gogh-Gogh expert Dr. Arthur J. Corrino agreed with Childs' assessment. "I told you to stop calling me!" said Corrino. "Don't make me get caller ID!"

Group member Rob Terrell shockingly suggested fraud when informed of the gap. "You want new news? Just re-date the old news so it's new again." Terrell was then escorted to the nurses' station and given an expired juice box that had been re-dated. After initially cringing, he maintained that "it tastes just as good." He then proceeded to vomit.

Jason Torchinsky initially denied the obvious stating, "What? Don't be silly. We have plenty of news. News all the time. Lotsa news. All your news is belong to us! Ha! Get it?!" When confronted with the facts (and the datedness of his "all your base are belong to us" reference), Torchinksy became visibly agitated. "Uh. Hunh. Who knew? Knews- Who news?! Ha! Get it?! And... Er... no news is good news! Ooo, 'Lost' is on, gotta go!" Torchinsky was then escorted to the nurses' station and given a juice box personally spiked by Michelle Rodriguez.

Reached at his fortress of isolation high upon the ivory tower, group member Alan Benson was also at a loss. "Oh gee, I have absolutely no idea. Gosh, I don't know how this atrocity occurred. Maybe if me, Charles, and Rob hadn't all moved back to North Carolina, we'd be able to get together with T. Mike, Galen, and Jason in Los Angeles and investigate. Try asking the secretary at Jason and Rob's five-year-old Internet company. Maybe you could ask Rob's new wife and three baby daughters--or maybe Charles' twin baby boys know the answer, or maybe T. Mike mentioned it in his book he wrote. It may even be that the answer lies hidden in Galen's new addition to his house. Now if you'll excuse me, my I have to head off to grad school before having dinner with my new girlfriend. Dipshit."

VGG watcher Selena Berrier called the group to task on the omissions. "This is a conspiracy of silence, pure and simple. No news means no criticism. From me. For their crappy news stories. They couldn't handle the truth so they just covered it up by not updating even once in five years--not just their news, but their ENTIRE site. Shame!" At this point, the nurses' station was full, so Berrier was escorted to a nearby Quizno's and given a small paper cup filled with vinegar.

Prospects for future updates continue looking dim, but there is some hope. Quite a bit of spirited discussion took place in the nurses station.

"I like juice," said Black.

"Juice doesn't judge you," agreed Childs.

"Neither does The Juice!" Torchinsky added. "You know, 'The Juice.' O.J. Simpson. He's still topical, right?"

Van Gogh-Gogh News Archive

Hey, I'm finally in McSweeney's!

So even though they ignored this about five years ago, the good people at McSweeney's finally relented, and I'm in! Via kind of a backdoor, as it was a contest, but screw it, I won.

May 05, 2006

Violated by Bears Man!

Check out the video on YouTube for America's
newest hero! Ever wonder what would have happened if Spider-Man had been bitten by a radioactive bear, instead of a radioactive spider? And what about if instead being of bitten, he had been raped? Well, wonder no more!

Shitbag from Tomorrow

Check out our video on YouTube or you can watch it right here. It's Knight Rider meets Touched by an Angelmeets a colostomy bag.