SCENE: THE YEAR 2374. A SPACE DOUBLESPACETREE SPACEHOTEL BALL
ROOM. THE SPACE ARCHAEOLOGY CONFERENCE IS HOLDING ITS ANNUAL
CONVENTION, AND THE KEYNOTE SPEAKER IS, OF COURSE, DR.
Welcome ladies, gentlemen, space ladies,
and space gentlemen to the Annual Space
Archaeology Convention. We sure hope
2374's convention will be as exciting as
2373's. And I'd especially like to thank
everyone who braved the meteor shower and
mutant sky turtle attacks to be with us
tonight, here on the lovely Los Feliz
Islands. I don't know which are worse!
restrained laughter from crowd
I'd like to just jump right in and
introduce our highly respected keynote
speaker, Dr. Clairmont McTurbeaux!
McTurbeaux approaches the podium to much applause.
Thank you. Thank you very much. My
colleagues, this year I am very excited to
announce an important new breakthrough in
our understanding of one of the most
misunderstood periods in history, the
20th century. As you know, the Great
Scrambling of 2166 and the Grand Jostle
of 2290 left nearly all 20th century
records and artifacts in a severe state
of disorder. However, thanks to new
interpolation methods developed by my
colleagues at the University of Barstow
(go Genetically-modified KillRats!) I
believe I have encountered something
oohs and aahs from crowd
I think I have finally uncovered the
story behind some of the most perplexing
events of the 20th century.
Often our artifacts and fragments of
records mention such fascinating and
exotic concepts or events as "Watergate",
"the web", "cabbage patch kids", "freak-
outs" and "the Macarena." I think I am
finally at the brink of a unified theory
that would tie some of the 20th century's
most common strands together. To
illustrate my hypothesis, I have
programmed the following holographic
simulation. Here now, is my hypothesis.
Lights down, then up, maybe colored, to indicate the
following is a holographic projection.
HOLOGRAPH VOICE OVER
The year: 1962. The place: Castle of the
Prime Presidential Minister of the United
Americas, Richard Petty Nixon.
(into intercom on desk) Ms. Lewinsky, has
Secretary Hitler arrived yet?
No, Prime President Nixon, he hasn't. His
Model T Concorde has yet to receive
clearance for landing. Shall I email you
when he arrives?
Yes, please do. And contact him on his
cellular CB. Get his 10-20 and instruct
him to book here as fast as possible!
Mr. Prime President, are you busy?
No, of course not, Mr. Sinatra. Come in,
come in. Is that Mr. Edison with you?
Yes, sir, hello.
I'm afraid we don't have much time for
visiting, Mr. Prime President. We have
news of the Cold War.
Oh? What's going on?
They've taken back the McDonald's Ice
Shelf, sir. We may lose the battle for
Antartica after all.
Damn. What did they say?
Well, Princess Di of Moscow declared her
intention to keep fighting for control of
the poles. She also still plans to marry
Groucho Marks aboard the Sputnik later
It's looking pretty grim, gentlemen. Word
to your mother. Word to ALL our mothers.
Maybe not so grim, sir.
What do you mean, Edison?
We may have an unanticipated advantage.
Our genetic engineers, using computers
and the internet and robots and
televisions, have had considerable
success lately: you've seen what we've
accomplished with the Pokemons and
Cabbage Patch Kids.
Oh yes. The Pokemon army is our best,
freshest hope right now. That and break
Very true. But we think we may have come
up with something better...a new
A new solution? Dy-no-MITE! Do go on-
Greetings, Prime President!
Mr. Hitler, thank God you're here. Things
are looking grim.
More than you think, sir. The Boy Scouts
and the Greasers have control of the
And what about the Communists?
They declined statehood, sir.
Then it looks like we're on our own. Get
Roosevelt on the microwave-- tell him
what's going on, and make sure you let
Marilyn Monroe in on this. We might need
her A-Bomb. And keep Muhammed Ali out of
Prime President Nixon? The Fonz is on the
line, sir. He wants to know if you've
heard the good news.
Good news? What good news? What's going
Sir, I can explain. I was about to tell
you before Mr.Hitler arrived. I think
we've perfected Hippies.
What! I was told that couldn't be done!
It wasn't easy, sir, but I think we've
done it. Like I say, invention is 90%
perspiration--in this case that was even
So this means...
That we're gonna win the Cold War and
show those Californian bozos how we do
things on Tranquility Base!
The summer of love is upon us!
Yes, gentlemen, our time is at hand.
Victory will soon be ours. And I christen
that victory: WATERGATE!
(maybe?) Lights down, then back to normal, as the hologram is
Thank you for your time. Those of you
interested can get a full 91-hour
holoreenactment of other key 20th century
events on Betamax. Good night.