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by Jason Torchinsky

Perhaps one of the most famous rivalries among American cities is the famous (and infamous) battle between Los Angeles and Greensboro, NC. Well, now that battle is about to heat up again: Greensboro has a Skybar. Yes, just like the famous, hyperexclusive Skybar in LA, now the "gateway to the Piedmont" can boast an identically named watering hole. Here now is a comparison of these two estranged brothers:

What you have to do to be admitted:
Have someone pretend to be your secretary call ahead and state that you will be attending with a party of 6, and that you're really freaking important; or, if female, have a great rack Using your open palm, exert pressure on the door by the panel that reads "PUSH"
What happened on Saturday night, March 24:
22-year old actress secured future movie of the week by placing tongue in the ear of a powerful 34-year old agent with the Irv Schecter Agency Women got in free
What you get when you order a Gibson:
A look of tired, bored disgust, then an expertly made, albeit uninspired gin Gibson with three cocktail onions on a translucent plastic cocktail spear a Gimlet
The chance that the phrase "Hello, I'm from LA" will get you laid:
0% 23%
The chance that the phrase "Hello, I'm from LA" will get you a blowjob in the bathroom:
30% 30%
The chance that the phrase "Hello, I'm from LA" will get you maced:
75% 50%
Most famous person spotted this week:
Jennifer Love Hewitt A guy who claims he was on an airplane seat next to Don Rickles; also, former Channel 2 weatherman Randy Jackson
Pick-up method most likely to work:
Flash a wad of $50s and jingle keys to a Porsche Boxster Flash a set of NASCAR season tickets and jingle an Altoids can full of pot
Pick-up method least likely to work:
Display an 8x10 glossy of Colonel Sanders while decanting a freshly-made smoothie down the front of your trousers Ride through the bar on a circa 1880s penny-farthing type bicycle, while wearing a monacle and shouting "dear me!"
What happens if you try to bolt without paying your tab:
You'll never work in this town again Two guys beat the crap out of you with barstools then back over you with a cheaply customized Chevy Cavalier
Proper minimum response when someone buys you a drink:
Fake smile and nod in their direction Furtive handjob under the table
Dress code advice given by the doorman:
"Well...do you at least have a jacket? A better jacket? "XYZ, buddy."

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