Weather, Earthquakes and Other Bad Things
L.A. Has Nice Weather:
Actually that's not true. Southern California doesn't have weather.
Weather is something that happens to other states. It's just excruciatingly sunny and hot all day and then at night it cools off. That's not
weather, that's just climate. Weather is fronts and low pressure
areas and isobars and crud. Weather is when something HAPPENS.
When the weatherman actually has to work for a damn living. Weathermen!
Hah! They don't need weathermen here. All they need is some kind
of emergency rain watch system. The EBS tone comes on, they tell
you the rain is coming, where to flee to, where you can stock
up on milk and bread, and how much money FEMA is going to send.
The Effects of No Weather:
I got a parking ticket. How does low average rainfall equal parking
ticket for T. Mike, and maybe you? Allow me to explain. No rain
means gutters full of crap not going anywhere, slowly building
up. So, L.A. has street sweepers on a regular, weekly basis. Hmm,
but people park on the street here all over, how does the street
sweeper truck get all these cars out of his way? Hefty fines!
Every street has no parking for two hours a week, for the street
sweepers to sweep streets. Don't see the signs, get a fine. T.
Mike did. Don't be a T. Mike.
Another Effect of No Weather:
Really disgusting sidewalks. Mysterious black lumps give most
L.A. city sidewalks a diseased, pox-laden look. The bus stop areas
are really disgusting; spitting on the sidewalks here would only
make it cleaner. I hold all you gum chewers personally responsible
for the mess, as I suspect gum wads are the culprit, but you won't
catch me down on my knees to check.
Smog, Your Weather Substitute:
Two words about smog- Black Boogers! Happens more often than you
would think. Like, ever. It's your own personal air quality index!
At the end of the day, blow your nose and compare the booger to
the color strip to determine that day's pollution levels. That's
not really helpful as you have to endure the pollution to see
how bad it is. But here's another, more helpful hint to predict
air quality: In the morning, go outside and open your mouth. Does
today taste metallic? Then today's a good day to try not to breathe
I've felt two medium to small sized ones. Nothing broke except
my nerves. The fear I felt is akin to the iceberg - mostly hidden,
and best you don't think so hard about your old friend Mr. Ground
doing the funky chicken at three a.m. Fortunately, I was too ignorant
to be frightened properly. But there is now a black vein of fear
in my heart that now makes me question if I really want to bother
hanging a picture or mirror on the wall.
Having been the only Van Gogh-Gogh to actually experience not
just one, but two earthquakes in two days, and both on the weekend - I feel entitlted to this rant.
A Public Service:
The top three scams in L.A. are, in no particular order:
1. Valet Parking
2. The Two Drink Minimum
1. Valet Parking: Five to nine bucks for parking? Sure! But wait, another dollar
to tip the guy who just drove my car 40 feet? Why the hell not!
Shoot, at a dollar per 40 feet that adds up to $132 a mile. That's
good money! I swear, valet parking is some sort of state-sponsored,
bleeding-heart liberal jobs program. The other thing I hate about
it is how it seems to assume I'm either too rich, too dumb or
both to park my own car:
"Look, Mommy I can drive all by myself!"
"That's nice dear, now let the nice man do the parking for you."
"But I'm a big boy now. I can park my own car. WAAAAH!"
2. The Two Drink Minimum: Hey, who wants a $4.50 coke? Sure, we all do! Especially when
viewing $20.00 comedy. Hey! Isn't it time for your SECOND $4.50
coke? You betcha! Your grand total for this evening's worth of
entertainment? Some thirty-odd dollars! Or, $12.87 per laugh.
I have to agree with Galen on this one. If you have to buy two
drinks, pick the two that are the most trouble to make. Make them
earn that money, instead of merely unscrewing the top off a Yoo
Hoo bottle. "Waitresss, I'd like an Flaming Alaskan Polar Bear
on the rocks with a twist and can I have that served in a hollowed
out pineapple instead of the coconut shell?"
3. Scientology: Faster-talking than a used car salesman, more money-grubbing
than Scrooge McDuck, able to spread bullshit thicker than a bull,
it's a scam, it's a racket, it's a celebrity center - it's L.
Ron Hubbard! These guys make snake handling seem reasonable. The
only thing I can credit them with is they know where the money
is: rich people. Hey. Wait a minute. I knew that, too. Um. So,
any of you rich twits wanna join my cult? I can get you God wholesale,
As complicated as it is stupid, I wouldn't have any problems with
it if they were more like that other cult, whatchamacallem, Heaven's
Gate. Fine people, they were. Knew that Earth was not the place
for them. Yo, L. Ron, don't you have a comet to follow? Oh, and
please join us in popularizing the derogatory term "Scienos" (pronounced "Sign-oes") for all followers of this tax exempt status. I mean church. Sample usage: "Hey, scieno. You are a big dilwich." Or, "Hey, you scienos. You are all big dilwiches."
Life-Affirming L.A. Guide