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Pack 329 Funding Squabble Ended
Weekly juice, regular cookie supplies, and drive to zoo offered

by Alan Benson, staff reporter

After round-the-clock final negotiations at a sleepover at Rahul's house, the General Assembly of Cub Scout Pack 329 broke through the funding impasse that threatened their field trip to the zoo. In a complicated decision that impacts nearly all the members of the Pack, the Assembly agreed to lower the dues Timmy Johnson paid each week and shift some of the refreshments burden to other members.

This brings to an end one of the most protracted disputes to strike the Pack since its founding. It also promises to end the intense Cold Shoulder offensive Johnson's mother was waging against Pack leaders Doris and Frank Atkinson.

Under the old payment plan, Johnson had been paying a full dollar in Cub Scout dues, instead of the 25 cents that other Pack members paid. His mom was also providing juice every other week, which led to a number of complaints from the Johnson household administration and an investigation by the Dad/Mom Joint Committee on Why the Hell the Other Kids Parents Couldn't Chip in Once in a While.

"I think it's about time that some of the developing children should have to pay more for the upkeep of the Pack," Johnson said. "I mean, every time someone gets into a little fight, they expect me to

The payment disparity arose mainly because forming the peacemaking scout group was Johnson's idea, say Pack insiders.

Pack 329 was founded during the final moments of Snowball Battle II, as the Allies (Den 21, Den 433, and Den 433 leader Johnson's three dweeby little brothers, who the other packs had to play with even though they threw like girls and always cried when they got hit) prepared their final attack on the Axis headquarters behind the knocked-over garbage cans next to Mr. Suarez's house.

After suffering an attack from the devastating "Fat Boy" snowball, the Axis powers (Den 111, Den 412, and Lone Scout Mitchell Elmer) sued for peace. After some tense negotiations and at least one full-blown in-the-snow hissy fit, the various factions agreed to combine their dens into a broader Pack that would mediate differences between the dens.

Since then, the Pack has intervened in a number of hot-button issues. Earlier this year, the Pack Committee on Finding Out What Stinks in Here All the Time (PCFOWSHAT) was called in to investigate the matter of whether Bill Metterson smelled like poo. It was determined that Metterson did, indeed, smell like poo. A wedgie was administered, but it is as yet unknown whether that solved the problem.

If the agreement is ratified at next week's meeting and awards ceremony, Johnson will be responsible for providing juice every week, and cookies every third week. The Johnson household administration also agreed to drive to the zoo field trip, but announced later that "somebody better come pick them up, because Timothy has a dentist appointment that afternoon, and if we have to drive them home, those kids are going to have to sit in the dentist's office and wait."

Johnson said he was hopeful that this agreement would spell the end of the funding friction between him and the other scouts.

"It's time to put this all behind us and focus on what really matters: why [Peter] Franklin's mom buys him such jolappy shoes," Johnson said.

© copyright 2000 The Van Gogh-Goghs