How to Prevent a Santa Invasion
by Charles Rempel
The holiday season is a time for peace on Earth and goodwill to man, but if you're like me, you're spending all your time fighting off the Santa Clauses that infested my living space every december. Here's some handy tips to make this year Santa-free:
Don't leave out cookies and milk: This one is so simple, and yet every year people set a plate of cookies and a glass of milk (or in some households, a bottle of Jim Beam and a carton of Salems) right by the Christmas tree. People, I guarantee you, you leave this out and you're going to get a Santa Claus (or your Uncle Bubba, passed out and wearing the nastiest Santa suit you eve did see) roaming around your house. Keep the treats in the kitchen.
Fortify your chimney: Your chimney is where the Santas enter your home. Those bastards. Anyway, keep a fire going ALL NIGHT in the fireplace; most people let the fire die out after midnight, and that's when Santa strikes. If you don't want to keep the fire going, try sealing the top of the chimney with particle board and Krazy Glue, or maybe a coil or two of barb wire scaling down the chimney.
Place reindeer poison on your roof: How do Santa Clauses get to your house? Well, they're dragged there by eight reindeer and a goat with a flashlight taped to its nose (the Rudolph myth is just that, a myth). With that kind of livestock on your roof, let me tell you, Santa won't be the only one dropping off "presents." That's why you need to lay out some reindeer poison on the roof. I'm partial to Corry's Slug and Reindeer Death, but find the one that suits you the best.
Anti-aircraft missiles: Shoot him out of the air. Missiles kill Santas... dead.
Be ultra-naughty: Santas hate naughty children, and always try to teach a lesson by leaving switches and coal instead of gifts. But if you're ultra-naughty, Mr. Claus might not even stop by and waste good coal on you, especially with the energy crisis in California. So start Scrooging it up big time! You'll be glad you did.
Don't believe in Santa: This is really your best option. If you do not believe in the existence of Santa Claus, then Santa Claus cannot visit you. If you doubt this logic, consider this: I don't believe in badgers or Cybil Shepherds, and I've never encountered one in my living room, jiggling around like a bowlful of jelly.
I hope these tips help you live a healthy and happy holiday season, and don't forget to watch as much college football as you can... it makes the Baby Jesus smile!
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