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t-name kind of guy! I'm very relaxed about these kinds of things. I'm so relaxed I even bring my dog to the office every day! My dog, however, must be referred to by his full name at all times.

My company, spackle.com, has fully acquired yours. Now I realize this seems odd -- a company no older than 18 months and with a mere six employees could somehow buy out a company with hundreds of employees and nearly a hundred-year history. Since spackle.com was founded we've grown faster than the US economy, faster than genital herpes attacking one's mouth, faster than the way "wired" becomes "tired." We're the future, you're the past. Get over it.

I've been informed that most of you have been working for Brumston's for a long time -- many of you having worked here all your lives, and for some of you this was your first job. I know our new dot-com economy may frighten you. Don't be frightened. Let me share some of the facts of the dot-com world, and how we'll meet the challenges head-on:

  • Fact one: Our demographic loves coffee, we'll start selling coffee in the store. Granted, we don't know the coffee business, but we are going to partner with a coffee expert: Starbucks. To grab market share, we'll sell coffee at the Starbucks price. To avoid inventory issues, we'll offer a just-in-time delivery system -- our clerks will take your order, go to the nearest Starbucks, buy your coffee, and return and vend it to yarketing. We've applied for seven patents surrounding it, and we expect to be suing anyone who speaks well of anything without paying a royalty to us.

  • Fact four: You're fired, probably. When I started spackle.com, I had nothing more than a dream. That dream was to rule the very lives of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of people. Today I fulfill that dream. And I'm a bit punchdrunk on this power. I'd like to fire you all. You're fired. Ha! That's a great feeling, to be able to say that to all of you, you people who are the age of my parents, quivering in your loafers at those very words of mine. Fired! All of you! Clean out your desks! Get out! Now!!!

    It feels so good to say that. But relax. You're not fired. That would be unfair, and the web world is nothing if not fair. Overly fair, I'd say. Too damn fair, this web of ours, the ultimate meritocracy. So you're not fired. However, to improve shareholder value, we will be downsizing dramatically.

    About half of you will be let go: people without internet experience will be the first to go. Basically, anyone over fifty. It's okay, it's legal if we say it's because you don't have dot-com industr

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