About Us
Contact Us

--- Search
-|  -|

The Gilroy Family Annual Report

"We're Like Family"

Executive Summary

For the Gilroy family, this past year has been an exceptional one. Income has exceeded expenses for the seventh year in a row; payments on the mortgage are ahead of schedule; upgrades to the family vehicle and entertainment center have met with widespread approval; and family unity is at a three-year high.

Org Chart

The Gilroy family's overall structure and organization remains unchanged from last year; see following chart.

The Gilroy Family Annual Report


All too often, little Billy's trash can mobilization has come too late for the neighborhood refuse collection. As overall family trash generation is at an all-time high (see chart), this activity is on the critical path for several household functions (cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the bedrooms, yard maintenance, etc.) and thus little Billy must reprioritze this to be his top action item to help improve the entire family's efficiency.

Terry has become an excellent kitchen helper; specifically, he is a whiz with the dishes. If his rate of improvement continues at this pace, within two years the family expects to be able to eliminate the mechanical washer—at a savings of $132 per year in water and electricity, not to mention a one-time windfall of $400 for the machine itself.


Mary Gilroy, family Mom and Chief Executive

Bill Gilroy, family Dad and Member of the Board

In many respects, family Dad Bill Gilroy remains the rock he has been since the family's inception. It is true, however, that Bill has had an off year for the third year in a row. His household productivity has been far short of last years' predictions while his cannabis budget has skyrocketed. Luckily, his government unemployment benefits have provided a small improvement to the family bottom line, although overall his expenses and lack of chore labor makes him a negative earner.

We anticipate another year of working with Bill on finding his path to profitability, and strive to remind him of his role in research and development; specifically, if his sperm count has not been dangerously lowered by his drug use, it would be most helpful if additional household employees could be produced. In the event these efforts fail, we have already interviewed a few alternatives for his position.

Steven Gilroy learned to play soccer

Bill Jr. and family pet Skipper

Special Project: Terry Gilroy

This past year saw the fruition of a multi-year project: the defaggotization of family associate Terry Gilroy, as part of a long-term joint venture with the fully-accredited Maplewood Military Academy. In the past six months, under an intensive and grueling process adapted from "A Clockwork Orange," Terry has shed all hints of faggotry, and in fact would now appear to be an upstanding heterosexual male. We are proud to announce that the joint venture has been an unqualified success. Terry has since left the immediate household, whereabouts unknown.


Risk Factors: Lack of gender diversity

The lack of family employee growth has hindered the family Executive's long-term pet project: the inception of a female family associate. This lack of diversity, while personally troubling, might also be used to ostracize the family, and the Executive is working towards a long-term solution, specifically, through the adoption of a female child from a neighborhood family.


Mother Mary, hard at work as family administrator, celebrates her tenth anniversary with the family. This year Mary had to contend with additional carpools for Steven (who just turned old enough for the Youth Soccer League) and trombone lessons for little Billy (who joined the marching band this year), in addition to the standard administrative duties you may recall from last years' report: general household cleaning; grocery shopping; apparel shopping; carpool driving for Billy and Terry; soccer spectating for Terry; meal planning, meal preparation and meal tear-down; accounts payables; and general family promotions. Mother Mary has petitioned the board for assistance in these duties, specifically requesting a domestic assistant to perform all or part of her janitorial duties. The Board will duly consider her motion.

New Incurred Expenses

Both Steven and Billy began new hobbies (sports and music, respectively) and thus incurred additional expenses over and above last years' budgets. It is expected that next year these expenses will be found to have replaced other forgotten hobby expenses, leaving a net financial impact of zero after two years.

Asset Allocation

Currently, the bulk of the family's near-liquid assets reside in the garage. This includes the family automobiles, children's toys, and sporting goods. Unused hobby, toy and household junk assets from previous years' budgets (see above, "New Incurred Expenses") will be sold at auction (garage sale, or yard sale, depending on which term the marketing department finds most appealing to our target neighborhood) and the profits, minus depreciation, will be used to boost the 1st quarter revenue for the next fiscal year.

Mergers & Acquisitions

The expenses of raising new family employees from scratch remains constant—and expensive. While expenses have been rising, revenues have been falling off, and efforts to increase revenues remain flat with the inability to produce more labor (see "low sperm count," referenced above.) Despite the protestations of the board, the family executive (family Mom, Mary) feels that the time is ripe for the acquisition of a smaller, more efficient family, or perhaps a merger with a larger family with a copious labor pool.

The McConnell Family, Inc.

Residing just down the street, the McConnell family is well known to all members of the Gilroy family. Their long-term earning potential is unmatched, and the Porsche they drive is "totally bitchin'" (as reported by Steve Gilroy.) Potential problems: intra-family romance (Billy and Jennifer McConnell; Mary and Ted McConnell). Please note the synergy in overall proclivity for denim clothing.

Bhuto Family

A recent addition to the neighborhood, the Bhuto family offers an exciting mix of Pakistani traditions with a hard-working ethic and strict loyalty. This family's lack of funds makes them ripe for a complete takeover; the youngest and least profit-generating children can be sold on the open market, increasing overall shareholder value.


© copyright 2000 The Van Gogh-Goghs