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Beyond Gaydar
Beyond Gaydar

Gaydar, a popular system for detecting if a person is homosexual or heterosexual, is so widely used and commonplace today, that its origins are hardly given a second thought. Gaydar (GAY Detection And Ranging) came about as an offshoot of a crash program in the 1950's to develop a reliable system of detecting communists. COMMUNAR (COMMunist Unmasking, Neutralizing And Ranging), as it was called (not to be confused with 80's band THE COMMUNARDS), was a federally funded project under close supervision of Sen. Joseph McCarthy and FBI chief J. Edgar Hoover. After the program suffered budget cuts after McCarthy's fall from political power and the public eye, Hoover carefully shepherded a slimmed down program well into the sixties, until the program was declared a failure after prototype equipment repeatedly insisted Martin Luther King, Jr. was NOT a communist.

After Hoover's MLK, Jr. problem went away (not to mention his Malcolm X, JFK, and RFK problems), the COMMUNAR program briefly retooled as a hippie detection system. However, it was quickly deemed superfluous, as their anti-social posture was clearly evident from their dress, speech, hair length and stench. It was the New York City Stonewall riots of June 1969 that gave the moribund program new life, as President Nixon authorized work on an affordable, environmentally sound homosexual detection system. Success finally came during the "Liberace" series of tests in the Nevada desert, and gaydar was born.

However, Most people don't realize that gay science has made many further advances in the post-Stonewall era. Gaydar is merely the tip of the iceberg of gay technological advances. The Gay Resources Laboratory For Research 'N' Development (GRLFRND) was founded during the Ford administration as the Gay Institute of Technology, but was renamed after a staffwide protest and petition. Since then, GRLFRND has consistently attracted America's best and brightest and gayest scientists and played a major role in the development of such less known gay technologies as:

* GUBA - Gay Underwater Breathing Apparatus
This device allows homosexuals to breathe comfortably up to 250 feet underwater or at churches, family reunions, right wing think tanks and other places where the overwhelming pressure (up to 200 bryants per square inch) could otherwise cause their heads to implode.

* GONAR - Gay Ocean Navigation And Ranging
As the full name suggests, this type of gaydar was originally developed for the use on the sea by the Navy. It has since been adapted for bodies of water of any size, salt or fresh, allowing homosexuals and heterosexuals alike to avoid wasted conversations at such pick-up points as pools, beaches, cabanas, piers, lakes, rivers and streams.

* GOYDAR - GOY Detection And Ranging
After the terrorist attack on Israeli athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympics, U.S. researchers worked closely with top Israeli homosexuals to develop goydar, a reliable, kosher, Jew/not a Jew detection system. The security afforded by this detection system has helped make Israel the tranquil land we see today.

* GASER - Gay Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation
The military has been radically divided on research into this potentially formidable weapon. In battlefield application, the beam would amplify any latent homosexual feelings or urges in an erstwhile heterosexual enemy soldier until he (or she) felt compelled to act on them. The resulting disorientation and loss of morale would leave the enemy vulnerable to conventional weapons and antique sales. In addition, enemy forces with strict prohibitions against homosexuals in their armed forces would be decimated, as thousands of otherwise capable soldiers would be expelled. Detractors claim victims may become permanently "gubar-" Gayed Up Beyond All Recognition. Detractors also claim the shielding is insufficient to protect the user, that gasers may be captured in battle and turned against American soldiers, and further claim that anyway there are some things man was not meant to know. Supporters ask why are we not meant to know about gasers, when we were apparently meant to know about fission, fusion, nerve gas, genetic manipulation and cloning. Supporters also point out that contrary to popular belief, a gaser does not make a completely straight man gay. It just makes him very, very curious. VERY curious.

* GAYWACS plane - GAY Warning and Control System
These special surveillance planes have been equipped with the very latest in gaydar technology (including Doppler gaydar), and can not only pinpoint a single homosexual in a crowd of thousands of breeders, but can measure individual repression levels (closetocity) and distinguish between between a twink and a leather man as easily as a top from a bottom. And all of this at a range of 300 kilometers! A fighting force of F-18 equipped with gasers directed by a GAYWACS command center would rain unholy gender confusion from the skies on the enemies of liberty!

What does the future hold? GRLFRND is pushing back the bounds of what is homosexually possible. Gay technology is continually making leaps and bounds! Imagine a loafer so light, you can walk on air! Imagine fudge packed so tightly a single teaspoon would weigh as much as a battleship! Or self adjusting track lighting! Dramameters! Sentient, self-replicating robots that don't judge you! And possibly even well-developed, non-best friend roles in major movies and sitcoms! The future is looking as bright as a rainbow!

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