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I Feel Stabby Today

by T. Mike

I feel stabby today. I can't say why exactly, maybe it's just a certain stabbingness in the air. Maybe it's just that stabful time of the year. The time of year when the sap rises, the flowers bloom and a young man's thoughts turn to nature and stabbing, and somehow stabbing nature and how that might be accomplished. All I know is I just woke up this morning and the first thing that popped into my head was "stabby." And it's just been in my head all day long.

Have you ever had a song stuck in your head and you couldn't get it out? You find that song creeping invasively into all your thoughts? Well, that's exactly how I feel right now, except replace "song" with "uncontrollable urge to stab people." I've heard that the best way to get a song out of your head is to just sing it out loud, all the way through, just as hard and fast as you can. I use the same kind of method when I feel stabby. I find it usually works great.

Usually after that I don't feel stabby at all, at least for several days- sometimes a whole week! But then I'll start getting that ole stabby feeling creeping up on me again. But please don't get the wrong impression- I'm not some weirdo with a stab fetish! It's merely that some days I feel really, really stabby. I mean, I usually always feel at least a little bit stabby, but who doesn't? But believe me, I'm not single-minded or anything. My stabbiness is but a small part of the greater complex human whole that is me. It's mixed in with all the many myriad ways I feel, like shooty, strangley, and rapey. So please, don't dismiss me as some mere stab-obessed freak! It's inaccurate, hurtful, and comments like that always make me feel extra-stabby.

Sometimes I like to joke around and when someone asks me how I'm doing, I'll shriek, "I feel stabtastic!" or I'll grab them and whisper in their ear "I don't know about you, but I sure could go for a good stabbing!" I've even been known to slip into my best Fred Flintstone impersonation and screech, "Stabba-dabba-do!" at the top of my lungs. You see, I feel a sense of humor is important. So many people today seem humorless, or wrapped up in themselves, selfish, ungrateful, fearful- especially just after they've been stabbed. They need to learn to count their blessings- they're not the ones who woke up on the stabby side of the bed this morning!

Some people tell me that "stabby" isn't proper English. I tell them that going around correcting people is a good way to get themselves stabbed. And I should know. Those kind of people don't appreciate my new names for the months of the year, either. Instead of January, February, March, April, May June, July, August, September, October, November and December, I call them Stabuary, Stabruary, Stab, Stabril, Stab, Stab, Stab, Stabust, Stabtember, Stabtober, Stabember and Stabcember. It gets a little tricky at May (Stab), June (Stab) and July (Stab), but I'm working on it. I tried renaming the days of the week, but they all came out "Stabsday" and I got so depressed I felt like stabbing myself. Anyway, gotta go- stab ya later!

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