Wednesday's Cheat Sheet
by Charles Rempel
Man, if you're like me, you just hit a mental wall on Wednesdays. It's the middle of the week, the "hump day" in the vernacular of the morning shock-jocks, and you just wish you could just shut off your brain, or at least shut it down for the inane blathering of fellow co-workers and acquaintances. Well, for you my friends, may I present Wednesday's Cheat Sheet. Just print out this sheet and carry it with you all day. Once someone asks you anything, just consult the sheet and save those brain cells for the important things, like Furniture Porn.
WARNING: This cheat sheet is only good for Wednesday!
Today's Basic Information
Lucky number: 5
Favorite color: green
Favorite shape: rhombus
Favorite letter: F
Favorite hat: cowboy
Your card: Jack of Clubs
Favorite baseball team: Oakland Athletics
Favorite country: Brazil
Favorite state: Michigan
City you'd most like to visit: Tulsa
Female celebrity you're curious about seeing naked: Jane Pauley
Male celebrity you're curious about seeing naked: James Earl Jones
Best explanation for wanting to see them naked: Lyme's Disease
Favorite album: So, by Peter Gabriel
2nd favorite album: Portuguese bootleg of So
Graduated from: University of Oregon
Sister's name is: Susan (but you call her Suze)
Brother's name: Darnell
What freaks you out the most: Vicki Lawrence dressed as "Mama"
Any information not on this list: That's kinda personal.
Bush or Gore?: I haven't decided yet. I'm waiting for the debates.
Cheney or Lieberman?: Dude, did anyone consider Tony Hawk, the greatest skateboarder the world's ever known?
Who do you think will get kicked off the island tonight?: Richard, of course
You want to get some lunch?: Sure, but not pizza. I had that last night.
Where's that report?: I gave it to Gary. He didn't give it to you?
Have you lost weight?: Nah, I just combed my hair differently.
What time is it?: Quarter past one.
Did you hear about Nell?: No, what?
What are you, deaf?: [do not answer]
Can I borrow your pen?: Hell no!
What can I get you, hon?: A veggie burrito and your phone number, sweetcheeks!
Have you been drinking tonight?: No occifer.
Any question not on this list: You're on a need-to-know basis, ass!