by Jason Torchinsky By now probably all Americans have had the opportunity to see the movie The X-Men and have, subsequently, been educated about just how great being a mutant can be. As usual, though, reality is a far drearier place, as most currently-born mutants do a lot less crimefighting and a lot more stillborning and struggling through life with a malformed limb or two. Still, the movie got me thinking about mutants, at least the kind of powerful, sexy mutants in the movie. The X-Men set of mutants were really very fortunate in having mutations which had a great deal of crimefighting (or causing) potential. But still mutations are, by their very nature, random, so I figured that for all of these strikingly useful and sexy mutants, there must be scores born with a much crappier set of genes. Here's some now, along with their required goofy nicknames: MANE Has unusually silky and managable hair CRUST Can summon pies from all over the globe GIST Can get the idea of what's going on unusually quickly EUKALYPTOR Can control Koalas with her mind WAYBACK Can travel back in time to Jan. 7, 1978 CREEP Can make people feel vaguely uncomfortable within a 16-foot radius FAMISHER Can send mind rays that make everyone kinda hungry RANDY Can send mind rays that make everyone kinda horny CRAMPS Has self-perforating and elastic colon LOUSIFIER Can transform gold into tin CHEAP DATE Gets drunk unusually quickly SHEETROCK Completely impervious to drywall MIENEKE Can fix any muffler with his mind, for only $19.95 KING CAB Can control armies of cabbage REALTOR Can improve property values with a ray beamed from her navel SNOW Defecates 100% pure Colombian cocaine GAYDAR Can tell who's gay from miles away, or through walls BARESCALP Has a hat-resistant head SMOOTH Has pores that secrete moisturizer and sunblock CRUMBLER Can transform igneous rock into sedimentary rock STAPLER Can staple with fingers FULLNIGHT Always gets a good night's sleep, no matter what WEED Can control all forms of weed growth PLYMAN Has complete power over all things plywood NOMEN Never forgets a name GAZE Can see through stained glass like it was leaded glass DJ Can collect ambient noise to make hot hip-hop tracks © copyright 2000 The Van Gogh-Goghs