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Alternate Fortune Cookie Extensions

by Charles Rempel

Prerequisite: working knowledge of the fortune cookie

Probably the high point of a meal at a Chinese restaurant, apart from being your only chance to use the stale "Guess I'll be hungry in an hour" stereotype joke, is the fortune cookie. Ah, the fortune cookie... nuggets of wisdom with a cookie crunch! I enjoy the pithy sayings, the nutty flavor, the collection of numbers; I do, however, cringe every time someone adds "in bed" to the end of the fortune.

Okay, it's funny the first few times you hear it, but after a decade of nut jobs screaming those two words at me to complete the Confucian philosophy of my dessert, I've decided enough is enough. Please use one of the following alternatives the next time you crack open a fortune cookie:

"dot com"
This one is perfect for the modern-day websurfer. Every phrase you can imagine is a web address when appended with dot com, so why not your fortune? This addition is also perfect as a second job... just register that domain, put up a couple dirty pictures and rake in the cash!
Example: "Among the lucky, you are the chosen one... dot com!"
Ideal Extension User: webmasters, programmers, 15-year olds
Variations: "dot org", "dot net", "dot mil", "dot edu", or any country code you'd like

"in the Nam"
Who doesn't enjoy making up fake stories about tours of duty in world wars? Well, maybe people who have actually served in the Armed Forces. This fortune extension adds a toughness to your persona (unless of course you say it in front of the members of the Armed Forces, if which case you look even more geeky).
Example: "Many receive advice, only the wise profit by it... in the Nam!"
Ideal Extension User: Men with soft girlie hands, 15-year olds
Variations: "in the shit", "in the trenches"

"over my dead body!"
A negation of your fortune... how novel! This addendum to your cookie wisdom lets everyone know that you'll be damned if some piss-ant little wafer's going to tell you how to live your life!
Example: "Your future is as boundless as the lofty sky... over my dead body!"
Ideal Extension User: cranks, people either set in their ways or distrustful of anything with a Chinese background, 15-year olds
Variations: "as if!", "not!", "what the Hell?!?"


Hey, why should the cookie owner have all the fun? Next time someone reads their fortune aloud to the table, try one of these witty rejoinders (NOTE: it is proper etiquette to allow the reader to append their fortune before public responses are uttered).

"That's what your mom said when I was bangin' her!"
Rude, crude, and to the point. Let no one doubt who the true vulgarian at the table is.
Example: "You can do very little with faith, and almost nothing without it." "That's what your mom said when I was bangin' her!"
Ideal Response User: college-aged boys, socially-retarded adult males, 15-year olds
Variation: replace "bangin'" with any sexually explicit verb

The ultimate is left-field self-deprecation. It's like you've accepted that the fortune is actually a cutting remark against you! It can't miss!
Example: "You are open-minded and quick to make new friends." "Touché."
Ideal Response User: losers, rejects, outcasts, 15-year olds
Variations: "ouch, babe", "I thought we were friends", loud sobbing

Group responses

Build a sense of community while annoying all other parties at the restaurant! Guaranteed to give you crappier service the next time!

"So it is written, so it shall be done!"
Whether with a Yul-Brynner hand slap flourish or not, this crowd-pleaser will surely get the cult awareness people noticing. As an extra bonus, try giving three minute of silence after each fortune!
Example:"Many receive advice, only the wise profit by it." "So it is written, so it shall be done!"
Ideal Response Users: a table of 15-year olds
Variation: "so sayeth the Prophet Gilgamesh"

"Pacifier dead monkey plop!"
Nothing beats a good nonsensical group chant, repeated until every fortune is read. This is my personal favorite, but feel free to experiment and find the one best suited to your group's tastes.
Example: "Compromise in a dispute between friends is rarely regretted." "Pacifier dead monkey plop!"
Ideal Response Users: a table of 15-year olds
Variation: "Happy New Year!" on any day other than Jan.1

Don't forget the Lucky Numbers Hike!
Do your best Broadway Joe Namath impression while you let everyone know the six numbers that will make you as rich as... well, as rich as Broadway Joe Namath himself.
Example: "Lucky numbers, down set! 7, 8, 15, 18, 38, 47, hut, hut, hike!"
Ideal Hiker: sports fans, Broadway Joe Namath, 15-year olds
Variation: Lucky Number bingo call


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