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May 8: the Bi-Polar Day

by Charles Rempel

It's funny how some days just stick in your head as great. Take July 4, for instance. I like it because I'm a patriot, and because I get the day off from work ("work" being my life as a shut-in). However, July 4 is not revered by everyone. The British probably hate that day, or at least indifferent, and who can blame them? More importantly, what about the thousands of kids a year who blow off their own genitalia lighting firecrackers? They probably think July 4 sucks.

With that in mind, I began researching May 8, and I've come to the conclusion that, with so many high highs and low lows, this day has to be manic-depressive. So, let us now celebrate the events that make May 8 the Bi-Polar Day.

** Have a Coke and a Punch in the Neck **
1886-- Atlanta pharmacist John Pemberton invents Coca-Cola. That heavenly inspiration truly is the pause that refreshes!

1985-- "New Coke" replaces the original Coca-Cola. You know, if I had the perfect product for 99 years, the product known all over the world, the product that millions of people recognize faster than their parents, the product that SELLS ITSELF... well, I'd screw it up, too!

** Save the Children, Especially From Glam Rock **
1996-- Postal inspectors wrap up a two-year sting operation against the nation's biggest child pornography ring.

1944-- Gary Glitter, glam-rock star and convicted child porn fancier, is born.

** Hey Jude, Meet Muskrat Susie **
1970-- The Beatles release the album "Let it Be."

1943-- Toni Tennille is born.

** The Discovery Channel **
1541-- Hernando de Soto "discovers" the Mississippi River. This really counts as a public relations coup for de Soto. Native Americans were living next to the river before de Soto got there, and yet he gets remembered as the discoverer.

2001-- My friend Gus Madden "discovers" Los Angeles International Airport. He flies in around 10 tonight, just in time to be the first white man to plant his flag and claim LAX for the Queen. The band, mind you, not the monarch.

** People in the News **
1884-- Harry S Truman, the 33rd President of the United States, is born. Give 'em Hell, Harry!

1926-- Don Rickles, comedian, is born. I think he's funny, but if I met him in person, he'd call me a hockey puck and make fun of my bad posture.

1933-- Mahatma Gandhi begins a hunger strike to protest British oppression in India.

1956-- Alfred E. Neuman first appears on the cover of Mad Magazine.

1987-- Gary Hart withdraws from the race for the Democratic presidential nomination. Because of this, we had to wait four more years before we could hear all those great womanizing-President jokes.

** May 8, 1984 **
1984-- The Soviet Union announces it will not participate in the Summer Olympics planned for Los Angeles. I wasn't sad; it meant more medals for the First World. Besides, they were just mad that we kicked their asses in hockey in 1980. USA! USA! USA!

1984-- On the TV show "Happy Days," Joanie and Chachi get married. That really made me sad, especially with Dustin Hoffman beating on the second-floor window, screaming for Joanie, while Chachi and the minister and Mrs. Robinson were all bad-mouthing Dustin. But in the end, true love wins out, and Joanie runs off with Dustin. Hooray!

** The Dogs of War **
1945-- V-E (Victory Europe) Day. Unless you're a Nazi or an Italian fascist, you probably like this day, too.

1877-- The 1st Westminster Dog Show is held. Well, we finally know WHEN the dogs were let out. The question remains: who let the dogs out? Who who who who? [EDITOR'S NOTE: Please refrain from reading the preceding joke. It is contaminated with out-of-date humor. Symptoms of contamination include an unsettled stomach and a bad taste in your mouth.]

** And Finally... **
1794-- The United States Post Office is established. I could make an obvious Post Office joke here, but my lithium's kicked in, so who cares?

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