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Be a corporate net.weasel!
(or just talk like one)

by Alan Benson

Now you, too, can have the thrill of talking like your garden-variety Internet marketing drone*. Scatter these useful terms in your daily conversation, and soon you'll be indistinguishable from the soulless hordes promoting our nation's computer companies. The more you use, the better!

Best of all, your corporate chatter doesn't have to make sense. In fact, it's better if it doesn't — you can claim to have invented "an exciting new market."

For bonus points, try intentionally mis-using them and seeing how many people you can get to nod knowingly!

acquisition costs available growth opportunities
bandwidth benchmark
best practice bottom line
branding brick-and-mortar shops
broadband broadband penetration
churn point client focus
communicate my expectations compensation analysis project
content content aggregation
content provider content syndication
convergence core competencies
core values customers as collaborators
data mining data warehousing
empower e-economy
e-tailing eyeballs
fast track functionality
game plan gap analysis
generation of incremental revenue gen-i
gen-y get our arms around the issue of [insert noun here]
goal-focused hardball
ideate identify the best systems and processes
industry-leading benefits package inhabiting the [insert noun here] space
interface with my team internet devices
internet economy internet-enabled
intranet key metrics
knowledge base leverage
longterm viability management profit initiatives
merger-related expenses mindset
mindshare moving into the next phase
narrowband narrowcasting
network infrastructure non-access incremental revenue
on the same page operational
options package organizational metaphor
out of the loop paradigm shift
portal positioning
preeminent online source of [insert noun here] pre-publishing
proactive win-win process-driven
profit projections quality-driven
result-driven results-oriented
revisit shared vision statement
skillset SOHO-friendly
sticky strategic fit
strike price synergy
(let's) take this offline targeted growth estimates
team building team-centric
the internet provides a wide variety of necessities the switcher market
think outside the box thoughtspace
total quality touch base with
transitional integration value proposition
value-added videoconferencing
visualizing vortal
WAP-friendly design we will provide communication as it becomes available
wireless web you will receive direction from your immediate supervisors

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*Already a marketing drone? No prob — just memorize this list and you're ready to impress your higher-ups. Remember... 20 a day keeps the pink slip away, 30 or more, you'll get a cube with a door, and always use forty for a car that is sporty! (Oh, and be sure to sprinkle the word "primarily" in as often as possible and mention that things are "hot" for even more points!)

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