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(A VGG Labs Report)

Tired of "talk to the hand," bored with "bling-bling," and attacked by apathy from "all your base," the intrepid researchers at VGG Labs set out earlier this month on a verbal expedition. Their mission? To identify the "anti-catchphrases," those English phrases used least often by everyday people.

Many of these phrases have never been spoken aloud; others have never actually even been thought. All are untested, and should not be used in daily conversation without protection.

The 16 Least-Used English Phrases
  1. You know what my favorite line from "Paper Moon" is?
  2. Tom Green's delicate, nuanced portrait of mental illness, "Freddy Got Fingered," is a triumph both for Americans with Disabilities and lovers of sensitive, intelligent filmmaking.
  3. You can recite the entire script of "Ishtar" — including deleted scenes? Do tell!
  4. He has the raw, untamed sexuality of a young Tom DeLay.
  5. Multiple Emmy-winner Jerry Springer....
  6. As your physician, I strongly recommend that you increase your daily Big Mac intake to at least two a day.
  7. Man, local TV morning shows really make you think, don't they?
  8. In many ways, Bing Crosby was the first gangsta rapper.
  9. Mmmm, a guy who lives in a sloppy mud hole next to a sewer conduit is SUCH a turn on!
  10. Every week, I look forward to the latest hilarious hijinks on "Diagnosis: Murder."
  11. Man, they only teach that Czolgosz killed McKinley because the FBI is covering up a massive mob-CIA-Commie-Nazi murder plot.
  12. High score on Asteroids in 1977? Come rub me here, big boy.
  13. I'm sorry ma'am, but by the time paramedics got there, his blood was 30 percent Tang. He's gone.
  14. Attention K-Mart shoppers: I am the store manager, I am on aisle five, and I am impotent. Come and get me.
  15. I prefer the episodes with Scrappy Doo.
  16. Alan is the funny Van Gogh-Gogh.

Research on this topic continues.

— Alan Benson, project manager


© copyright 2001 The Van Gogh-Goghs