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Why I'm opposed to Bring Your Hawk to Work Day

(Note: Thanks to a weird hiccup with our email program, the Van Gogh-Goghs recently intercepted an email meant only for the employees of a certain well-regarded Internet company. We present it here in unedited form for your edification.)

TO: everyone@quinvantis.com
FROM: Wes Goanann, CCO
RE: Why I'm opposed to Bring Your Hawk to Work Day


I just wanted to take a moment to expand on some comments I made at last week's brain-dump session. Based on some of the feedback I've received, there was some misunderstanding about my opposition to Quinvantis's new Bring Your Hawk to Work Day. In the interest of corporate harmony, I'd like to expand on my position and answer some of your questions.

First off, some of you have accused me of being anti-raptor, which is just false. I have a majestic California Condor at home, and I'm never happier than when I take Boo Boo to the park with a box of infant bunnies and let him do what he does best.

Do you think I wouldn't love to have Boo Boo perched on my monitor while I do work? Of course I would! Do you think I like the scratches I get from locking him down in his four-by-four travel case and taking him crosstown to the sitter? Of course not! But I understand that, by joining the Quinvantis team, I put my coworkers' and customers' needs aheard of my love for birds of prey.

Now, moving on, I want to share with you some of the outside feedback Bring Your Hawk to Work Day has inspired. Since we instituted this policy, we have gotten many, many comments from our customers and vendors. While most of them have been positive, several important customers have voiced their concern. There have been a number of complaints about soiled paperwork, peck marks on report covers, and talon scratches that make some of our PowerPoint slides difficult to understand.

For the most part, these are just the cost of doing business. The rest of the executive team and I are actually more concerned about the slight increase in the number of our customers suffering raptor-related eye gougings. This month, we've had nine, up from seven last month.

In the past we'd simply laugh off such complaints, but with the recent downturn in the Internet economy, the old Quivantis slogan of "The customer can always go fuck him- or herself" no longer resonates in this new economy.

Finally, you all should understand that Bring Your Work to Hawk Day also affects our bottom line. Following several recent Bring Your Hawk to Work Days, a number of you have reported computer problems to MIS. In most of these cases, the source of the problem has been feathers in the disk drive. We actually had to totally replace one desktop because a feather caused a short-circuit that fried the CPU!

According to MIS, the feathers get into the computers when the hawks poke their heads around the drive opening looking for crumbs. It's only made worse in cases when the employee places danishes and other breakfast foods on top of the processor to heat them up. I hate to sound like a broken record about this, but is warm pastry really worth losing data over?

Now I want to make it clear that the exec team has not made the final ruling on this issue. We'll discuss it at Monday's visualization session, and hopefully we'll have a resolution soon. Until then, you can continue to bring your hawks in to work with you.

Keep on working in the Quinvantis way!



Wes Goanann
Chief Conceptual Officer
Quinvantis, Inc.
"Making the Possible Probable"

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