An open letter to Bill Clinton
Just two days left, huh? Bet you're getting excited. The old place probably is full of memories, some great, some not-so. "Here's where I wasn't able to broker a peace deal with Arafat, there's where I 'did not have sex with that woman,' there's where I shot Vince Foster. Or did I strangle him? Maybe I shot him up with morphine. Better check the vast right-wing conspiracy's Web page."
But, like it or not, you are coming up on a big change of scenery. There's been a lot of talk lately about how you're still trying to find a legacy for your presidency. (Apparently, being the center of a totally ridiculous sex-n-politics scandal wasn't enough for the history books. Go fig.) Everyone's looking for the one big thing we can hang your presidency on. You know, like LBJ's Great Society or Nixon's Watergate tapes or Khrushchev's shoe-banging at the U.N.
(Ah, remember the good ole days when Comrade K was in the White House and all was right with the world. We won't see another president like him for many a year.)
Anyway, after eight years of trying, here you are on the cusp of a new presidency (or "prestidentiacy" in the new inside-the-Beltway parlance) with little to show but "progress" towards peace. And so, like a D student feverishly scratching out some homework in the milliseconds before the first bell rings, you've been casting about for a legacy, any legacy, to call your own.
Not to worry, 'cause I got your back. As part of the Van Gogh-Goghs' community service after the unpleasantness outside Ms. Aguilera's house, we would like to donate some ideas for a legacy you can pull together in less than a day. Take these ideas and run with 'em, bro.
And so, without further ado, please accept these
Candidates for a Clinton Legacy
- Ban logging on thousands of acres of America's precious mall parking lots.
- Offer drastically expanded drug coverage for seniors, but only on suppositories.
- Establish a worldwide, all-military search for the Gilligan's Island castaways.
- Found the first Presidential Porn Library. Stock it with every copy of "Cheri" going back to '86.
- Go on burger frenzy in an attempt to beat out Taft as the fattest president.
- Make using the phrase "interface with" as a synonym of "talk to" a felony punishable by death.
- Pass a law requiring Warner Brothers to make a Roadrunner cartoon where the Coyote catches and graphically slaughters the Roadrunner.
- Pencil in the words "boo yea" throughout the National Archives' copy of the Constitution.
- Issue an executive order replacing all references to "In God We Trust" on coins to "Show Us Your Tits."
- Four words: Boobytrap the Oval Office.
- Outlaw nose-picking.
- Replace the Blue Room's floor with a trampoline.
- "Take out" Rehnquist. Nominate Ace Frehley as his replacement.
- Outlaw dream sequences in any movie longer than 90 minutes.
- Mow "N'Sync Rules" into the grass on the National Mall.
- In a grand ceremony, knight actor Dennis Farina. Charge him with the task of finding the "Holy Best Beer Joint Within Walking Distance of the Clintons' New House."
- Sign an executive order making Algebra the national language.
- Rewire the Oval Office phones so that the red emergency phone calls the Long John Silvers headquarters.
- Reupholster the Vice President's residence in Neomodern Whoopie Cushion.
- Make reparations to Native Americans by selling them the White House for $24 in beads. Offer beads as prizes for women who follow the new, improved instructions on coins (see Legacy 9).
- Leave one (1) perfectly coiled turd on every desk in the White House. For added effect, stick a small American flag in each.
- Since you're leaving Socks behind, make things more interesting by covering the original "Old Glory" flag in catnip.
- Bake the world's most dangerous turnover.
- Replace the water in the Reflecting Pool with gravy. Then eat it.
- Declare a secular Jihad against that guy who wrote "Message in a Bottle."
- Become known as "the mooning president."
Whichever one you choose, good luck with it. Say hi to Buddy for me.