by Galen Black
July 28, 1993
days just happen like that. They start off simple, sun
rises in the east. After that, it's all a pile of 3
penny nails. I got out of bed this morning only to find
my floor was gone. Before i knew it I was in the basement
wearing nothing but boxers and a pair of unmatched tube
socks. It was useless to go back upstairs, since I couldn't
stay there, so I went to the kitchen and found a strange
can of tuna. I was quite surprised. I jumped on the can
and wrestled with it for half of an hour. After it had
pinned me to the floor, I cried "Uncle!" Angry with
myself for losing, I retired to the couch for a sulking
session. The can of tuna tried to comfort me by telling
me how good of an opponent I had been. Let me tell you
there is nothing worse than being consoled by a Dolphin
safe container of Starkist. By this time my floor had
returned, drunk and sick. I gave it a good tongue lashing
and it promised never to pull a stunt like this again.
I wish I could believe her.
took a shower and got ready for work. Then I left for
work. Then I sat in traffic. Then I beeped my horn at
some jerk who cut me off. Then i turned the radio dial
and tuned into the Morning Rampage on 88.7 WSMK, THE
SMACK. Then I spilled my Jolt Cola. Then I cussed. Then
I arrived at work. The rumor mill was already hard at
work and stories were going around about this floor
one of the office walls had been out with last night.
I knew it had to be my floor everyone was talking about.
I called the wall into my office and said to it in my
most stern voice, "Would you kindly consider never going
out with my floor again, please?" The wall answered
yes and agreed that it would be best never to see my
floor again. After wasting half the morning, I decided
to complete my task and waste the other half. I immediately
went to shooting spit wads at my secretary's face. I
swear it felt like it took forever for lunch to arrive.
Before I could go to lunch, a hungry woman came into
my office ready to eat me. Thinking as quick as I am
capable, I began telling her how much weight I thought
she had been putting on recently. She started to feeling
insecure about her appearance and decided to work through
lunch. I was relived and proud of myself, until she
returned and tore off my left arm and said,"A little
snack couldn't hurt."
whole incident made me very mad. I was so livid, I
couldn't focus on work. So I went to the golf course
to play 18 holes. I scored a 400, not my personal best.
I met a young lady named Marie in the club house. She
said she liked my pants. I sold them to her. She paid
me in corn. I hate corn. I felt cheated. I chased her
down and jumped her from behind. After 15 minutes, I
cried "Uncle", for the second time in as many half days.
She laughed in my face. I longed for tuna. I crawled
home and decided to put pen to paper and jot down what
happened today. I hope I sleep well or maybe I'll stay
up and keep my eye on that floor of mine.
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