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Bad Day
by Galen Black

July 28, 1993

     Some days just happen like that. They start off simple, sun rises in the east. After that, it's all a pile of 3 penny nails. I got out of bed this morning only to find my floor was gone. Before i knew it I was in the basement wearing nothing but boxers and a pair of unmatched tube socks. It was useless to go back upstairs, since I couldn't stay there, so I went to the kitchen and found a strange can of tuna. I was quite surprised. I jumped on the can and wrestled with it for half of an hour. After it had pinned me to the floor, I cried "Uncle!" Angry with myself for losing, I retired to the couch for a sulking session. The can of tuna tried to comfort me by telling me how good of an opponent I had been. Let me tell you there is nothing worse than being consoled by a Dolphin safe container of Starkist. By this time my floor had returned, drunk and sick. I gave it a good tongue lashing and it promised never to pull a stunt like this again. I wish I could believe her.

     I took a shower and got ready for work. Then I left for work. Then I sat in traffic. Then I beeped my horn at some jerk who cut me off. Then i turned the radio dial and tuned into the Morning Rampage on 88.7 WSMK, THE SMACK. Then I spilled my Jolt Cola. Then I cussed. Then I arrived at work. The rumor mill was already hard at work and stories were going around about this floor one of the office walls had been out with last night. I knew it had to be my floor everyone was talking about. I called the wall into my office and said to it in my most stern voice, "Would you kindly consider never going out with my floor again, please?" The wall answered yes and agreed that it would be best never to see my floor again. After wasting half the morning, I decided to complete my task and waste the other half. I immediately went to shooting spit wads at my secretary's face. I swear it felt like it took forever for lunch to arrive. Before I could go to lunch, a hungry woman came into my office ready to eat me. Thinking as quick as I am capable, I began telling her how much weight I thought she had been putting on recently. She started to feeling insecure about her appearance and decided to work through lunch. I was relived and proud of myself, until she returned and tore off my left arm and said,"A little snack couldn't hurt."

     The whole incident made me very mad. I was so livid, I couldn't focus on work. So I went to the golf course to play 18 holes. I scored a 400, not my personal best. I met a young lady named Marie in the club house. She said she liked my pants. I sold them to her. She paid me in corn. I hate corn. I felt cheated. I chased her down and jumped her from behind. After 15 minutes, I cried "Uncle", for the second time in as many half days. She laughed in my face. I longed for tuna. I crawled home and decided to put pen to paper and jot down what happened today. I hope I sleep well or maybe I'll stay up and keep my eye on that floor of mine.

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