Top Ten Personal Disappointments of the 20th Century
by T. Mike
No Nuclear War with Russia
(Reagan's 1st term- Jan 20, 1981- Jan 20, 1984)
As a young teen, it was certain to me that, because of newly elected president Reagan and his right-wing Christian cronies, I would soon be living a bitchin', cool, homework-free, Mad Max-esque existence, thanks to the nuclear war with the Soviet Union that Reagan would get us into any minute now. Alas, it turned out to be my first great lesson about politics: politicians never keep their campaign promises.
- The Fall of Communism
(Sept. 1989 - August 1991)
I just didn't get it. America should have been beaming with pride and dancing in the streets at the fall of the evil empire. But it just didn't seem to be that big a deal. Gorbachev had long since defanged the Russian bear, and we were all in the middle of a Bush-led recession that kept our heads down and focused on important domestic issues, like fictional characters the Simpsons, Beavis & Butthead and Murphy Brown destroying the fabric of society. That is, when we weren't all busy being distracted by the largely pointless Gulf War.
- No Nuclear War With Russia
(Reagan's 2nd term- Jan. 20, 1984- Jan 20, 1989)
In his second term, somehow Reagan mutated from a complete bastard who wanted to nuke anything foreign that moved to a grandfatherly nincompoop controlled by his psychic-advised wife. Unfortunately, that psychic apparently never advised nuclear war with Russia.
- The "Appearance" of Halley's Comet
(Winter 1985-Spring 1986)
When Halley's comet came around in 1910, everyone freaked out and thought the Earth would pass through the poison tail of the comet and die. You could even see the damn thing in the daytime! What did we get in 75 years later? Nothing. I only got to see it because I was taking an astronomy class that year. It took a university telescope for me to see a white smudge. A freaking smudge!!! I am bitterly determined to stay alive until 2061, when it comes around again, just to get my money's worth out of this crappy, disappointment - filled life. And it better be good in 2061, dammit. Or I'll hire some guy to blow it out of the freaking sky.
My 17th Birthday Party
(July 21, 1984)
It had potential, dammit. I had tons of snacks and soda, I had rented Monty Python's Meaning of Life and somehow my parents were gone. Not just gone for the day, but for the week! That gave me ample time to repair any damage done or buy back furniture from an angry pimp, ala Risky Business, should the need arise. But alas, only three people showed up. Counting myself. I learned the important life lesson that you must CALL people if you want them to attend.
The Y2K Non-Debacle
(Jan. 1, 2000)
This event seemed like mankind's latest, greatest hope for an apocalypse. Reagan had let us down, the Commies had let us down, even the killer bees had let us down, but this time, for sure! And even better, it would be an apocalypse arising from our own technological hubris! Our computer chip house of cards would come crashing down on us, forcing a nation of pasty-white, limp-wristed, soft-handed boomer and Gen X wimps to go out and chop wood, hunt food, and actually walk places on their own two feet, instead of driving the SUV to the gym to do it on a freaking treadmill.
(June 3-5, 1989)
Hell, the Philippines had gotten rid of their dicatator Marcos, Haiti had gotten rid of Baby Doc, and now it looked like the Chinese were next. Freedom loving students would soon inspire the whole nation to throw off the shackles of commie-ism. Wrong! They all got rounded up and their families sent a bill for the bullets.
(May 5, 1989)
Immediately upon graduating from college, I ended up moving back home to live with my parents for two years. Nuff said.
No War in the Mideast
(Oct. 23rd, 1983)
This was the date that a terrorist truck bomb killed 241 American soldiers in Beirut. I thought sure Reagan was not gonna take this kind of bull and promply invade all the relevant countries and a few more for good measure. I was wrong. Not only did Reagan not get us into a war, but this event marked the start of pullout of US forces from the region! It was then that I knew Reagan was not the merciless, bloodthirsty, baby-eating warmonger he boasted he was.
This Top Ten List
(Dec. 25th, 2000)
I had hoped this essay would help cleanse my soul of some of my personal pain and allow me to start the new millennium with a clean slate, but now I feel all tensed up, agitated and depressed recounting my sad and shabby little life. I'm also worried. What kind of sicko gets disappointed when there ISN'T an apocalypse?! How bad does your life have to be before fighting mutants over a can of dog food becomes appealing? Geez! What the hell is wrong with me? Not to mention this stupid essay doesn't have any graphics so it looks like every other unreadable block of text on the Internet and nobody will read the damn thing anyway! Freak! This millenium sucks.
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