About Us
Contact Us

--- Search
-|  -|
by Jason Torchinsky
One thing everyone should know about me is that I'm the sort of guy who has visions. Waking dreams. Gripping, all-encompassing, bladder-voiding visions. They appear unannounced, briefly command every fiber of my attention, then suddenly leave. Usually this happens while I'm driving, causing me no end of median-screeching and plate-glass window shattering. Lately, all of my visions have been simply newspaper headlines, coming from the year 2001. Since it's now 2001, I feel compelled to share what I've been witnessing.

So, I present to you, with no attempt made to explain how or why, the newspaper headlines I've been seeing:

Bush Apologizes, Pledges to Rebuild White House

Florida to unveil this year's Big Thing
Can they follow up Elian and 2000 election debacle?

Disney Takes Over Florida State Government

Firestone tire saves boy's life
'I just wanted to help,' says concerned radial

Body "Definitely" Brittany Spears' Say Angolan Authorities

Dick Cheney: The Complete Autopsy Report

Nation gripped by "Where's the Beef: 2001" mania

ISS Crew Very Much In Love
Historic 3-way space wedding planned

Cabbage Patch Kids Denied Comeback

Comet Definitely Headed Right For Us, Says NORAD
"And it looks pretty pissed"

Pope eats 31 hot dogs at Vatican-area street fair

The Snuff Fad: Is It Safe?

Demi Moore Sneezes Self Into Hospital in Another Snuff-Related Incident

Madonna Wedding Fraud: Rabbi Was Not Officially Ordained

Most Americans Claim to Enjoy Newly Developed Colors

Poll: Brokaw's "Fuck that old grandma" comment out of line?

Biggest Mattress Sale EVER Happening Now!
(from advertising supplement)

Charles Schultz not really dead, just bored out of fucking skull

Anwar Sadat Still Dead, Egyptian

GM Can't Keep Up With Demand for Pontiac Azteks
"Please, everyone remain calm-- we'll make enough"


Aliens Determined To Be From Ursa Minor, Ugly

Tits Named This Year's Ass

Gore's Standoff Enters Day 44

© copyright 2000 The Van Gogh-Goghs