A Dream I Had About Batman
(DC Comics characters used without permission.)
by T. Mike
In my dream, all of Gotham City was talking about Catwoman's just-released tell-all book about Batman and Robin titled "Robin Naked." You might well ask why the title "Robin Naked" and not "Batman Naked." You might also well ask, if it's called "Robin Naked" why does the cover feature a big closeup of Catwoman's face puckered insouciantly at the camera and not a picture of the eponymous Robin?
The reason for the title "Robin Naked," was Catwoman claimed there existed (but could not produce) a picture of Robin naked. The even bigger bombshell was that Catwoman claimed the picture had been taken by Batman himself! She further claimed that Batman couldn't and wouldn't deny it because the story was true. (Batman, of course, kept up the same silent, stony front to the public that he always had. This read as denial in the public's mind.) Well, this outrageous claim got Catwoman tremendous publicity for her book of course, which is just what she wanted.
Naturally, I was intrigued by all the hoopla and since there didn't seem to be anything else going on in my dream, I decided to do some research. Fortunately, this being a comic book universe, I could see what happened in the past by just going to the library and reading back issues of comics. I discovered, in a very old comic book, indeed, (it was even black and white), that what Catwoman had claimed was indeed absolutely true! But! The story behind the reality was not as exciting as the homoerotic fantasies playing out in the minds of the general populace.
The truth was that a young, pre-Batman Bruce Wayne was volunteering at Gotham City Orphanage. Having lost his parents in a brutal double murder, he understood how it felt to be an orphan, and he wanted to do something to help other unfortunate, parentless children. Part of his volunteer job was to take pictures of the foundlings brought in for official identification purposes. And, yes, a baby Dick Grayson was indeed brought in, and Bruce Wayne took a picture of him naked. The only thing even remotely salacious is Bruce Wayne did comment on what a beautiful baby it was and no, I take it back, that isn't even remotely salacious.
So, before he was Batman and he was Robin, their paths crossed on the road of destiny. So it was all quite innocent, despite what that bitch Catwoman implied just to hype her book.
In retrospect, I can only assume Catwoman stumbled onto the same history comic book I did. I can't see Batman and/or Robin intentionally letting this tidbit of info slip to their nemesis. I did get the feeling that somehow, Batman and Robin found out that their paths had crossed oh so many years before and knew about the picture. The strange thing is that while my dream has filled in a gap in an undiscussed phase life of Bruce Wayne (the post-parent-murder, pre-Batman phase), and correctly kept their relative ages the same (Robin: baby; Wayne: late teens/early twenties), I have completely screwed up the origin of Robin, which I know. Robin was indeed orphaned, but not as a baby, but as a teenager. Gangsters or something killed his circus acrobat parents and he became the ward of millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne for some reason I don't recall.
The other thing I find interesting is the whole non-issue of the photograph. Even before I discover the mundane, innocent truth, the photo, really, is a non-issue. Catwoman has no photograph of Robin naked, no proof whatsoever of its existence, except to say that Batman's usual silence condemns him as guilty, which is ludicrous. Further, Catwoman has named her book after this mystery non-photo! She uses it to stir up public interest to great success. Now, I didn't actually read the book in the dream, so I don't even know how much the bit about the photo takes up in the book. Probably only a few pages. I mean, really, how long does it take to describe a photo about which you know almost nothing. Catwoman doesn't even claim to have SEEN the photo! She just claims it exists, which it does. Obviously Catwoman is a master, or mistress if you will, at hype and promotion. With the scantiest of facts and no proof, she was turned all Gotham on its ear and impugned the reputation of its greatest champion, just to sell her book.
I believe that my dream was a repudiation of the 1997 movie "Batman & Robin which featured George Clooney and Chris O'Donnell in outrageously homoerotic costumes featuring artificial musculature and nipples, for crying out loud. What the hell does your costume need nipples on it for? Maybe if you're a freaking stripper, but not a superhero! Honestly.
What conclusions can be drawn from this dream?
1. Catwoman equals bitch.
2. Batman & Robin equal Just Good Friends.
3. Male nipples equal superfluous.
I thank you for your time.
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