THE THEO REPORT
for a new millennium."
Vol. 3, Issue 7............08/08/00
In this issue:
*New stuff highlights
*VGGs told to cease and desist
*VGGs on the campaign trail
*Coming to the site this month
*Update on shows
*Win a t-shirt
*How to get away from the Theo Report
WHAT'S THIS, EH?
"Eh?" What are you, some kind of Canadian? Lousy
frostback. Coming down from Calgary and taking
American email newsletters away from good American
readers. Oh well, your money's green. Or yellow.
Or photocopied on construction paper. Whatever.
Regardless, your crazy money is exchangeable for
American dough, and that's all that matters.
Regardless, the Theo Report is the official, kinda
monthly email newsletter of the Van Gogh-Goghs.
Read it, enjoy it, pass it along to your pals and
encourage them to sign up themselves at
NEW STUFF HIGHLIGHTS
So here we are, a month later, and we're still
updating the Van Gogh-Gogh site with a new thing
every day. Hey, we're as surprised as you. And not
all of it has been crap. Hey, we're MORE surprised
than you. Why, just look what the past month has
* Ask Doctor Joe
Now that Dr. Koop.com is going under, people on
the Net are crying out for a new source of sound
medical info. And we'd like to be that source.
Unfortunately, all we have is Doctor Joe, who may
actually not be a doctor at all. He sure drives a
crummy car for being a doctor. And we always see
him digging in dumpsters. But anyway, he takes
your health and fitness questions at
* Galen Black On The Road
Take a 1993 Saturn SL2, a bunch of clothes, some
compact discs, not nearly enough towels, healthy
and unhealthy snacks, poorly folded maps, mostly
unread books, a plastic bank shaped like the head
of Mr. T, Galen Black, and his much cooler bro
Wendell, throw them in a mixer, and hit "puree,"
and what do you get? That's right, a viscous,
vaguely pink gravy. But if you don't hit "puree,"
you get Galen's account of his trip across
* Museum of Found Art
Art isn't just framed pictures hanging on the
walls of museums or statues standing in front of
municipal buildings. It's also the creepy letters,
out-of-context ads, and transcendent packaging
spotlighted in our new tribute to inadvertent art.
Oh, and art is pottery, too. And jewelry. But we
don't have any of that. And lithographs. None of
them, either. OK, art is a lot of things, but most
importantly, it's at
* T. Mike: Wishmaker
Our saintly ole granny used to say that if wishes
were fishes they'd.... No wait, if wishes were
fishes we'd all.... Damn. We sent her off to that
home too soon. Oh well, let's just say that if
wishes were fishes, then T. Mike would be handing
out carp and trout. But wishes aren't fishes, so
you can damn well forget about getting free
seafood, you stinkin' freeloader. But you can
watch Jason stroll around Westwood wearing two
jugs of mayonnaise by going to
The scene: the side of some road. The players:
some guy, and another guy. The set: some car. The
situation: some guy gets into some car, and talks
with some guy. By now, you're probably slavering
with desire to see Hitcher, a sketch that pits a
nutso hitchhiker against an equally nutso driver.
As an added bonus, Jason brings up Ace Frehley.
Check it out at
VGGs TOLD TO CEASE AND DESIST
In the eight years that the six of us have been
futzing around together and putting off the
inevitable day when our dreams of comedy
superstardom come crashing down around our ankles,
we've gone through a lot. We've been heckled, then
had the heckle withdrawn. We've played opposite
the alien autopsy and the season finale of
"Seinfeld." We've moved clear across the U.S. to
find fame and fortune in L.A., only to discover
they already had plenty of vaguely funny white
guys already. But, we'd never gotten a
That was why we were so overjoyed when a terse,
inexplicably stern letter from the Elias Brothers
landed in our inbox. The Eliases own the rights to
everyone's favorite corpulent corporate shill, the
Big Boy, and they think that Net users are stupid
to think that our old "Ask the Big Boy" feature
actually represented the Big Boy chain of
So, after some pants-wetting and serious
discussion, "Ask the Big Boy" became "Ask El Boyo
Gigante!" Check out the Elias letter and try out
the new El Boyo at <http://www.vgg.com/bigboy/>.
VGGs ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL
When you think "in-depth political coverage," what
three-letter abbreviation comes to mind? CNN? No!
MSNBC? Uh, that's five letters. Fox? That's not an
abbreviation you toad! No, it's VGG. As in VGG
ConventionWatch 2000! Look for our exclusive
coverage of the Democratic National Convention
coming to the site next week!
COMING TO THE SITE THIS MONTH
Oooh, we have just tons of fun stuff ready to go
up throughout August. Look for downloadable video
versions of sketches, a new Prove Us Wrong,
e-cards you can e-send to your e-friends, more
Flash animations, new dead celebrity makeovers,
additional entries in T. Mike's dream log, and oh
oh oh so much more.
UPDATE ON SHOWS
Just a quick note for those of you interested in
seeing us live afore the summer's out. Hard
cheese, old man, we ain't got no shows lined up.
Basically, we're working on the site and doing
some video shooting. But we will have shows again,
probably in Novemberish. So if you're in the
greater L.A. area, or if you're nuts enough to
come here from out-of-state just to see li'l ole
us, keep an eye on the site.
Actually, that's good advice for everyone. Keep an
eye on the site every day. And look at the
We had a winner in last month's win-a-shirt
contest, which got us so excited we were all
jumping around and bouncing off the walls and then
Galen ran into Rob and Rob bit his tongue and he
started crying and Charles got mad at Galen even
though it really wasn't Galen's fault and then
when Jason tried to explain what happened to Alan
Jason ran into Galen and Charles and bit his own
tongue and fell down and was crying and then when
T. Mike was leaning over lecturing Jason about how
he shouldn't run in the VGG HQ Jason bit T. Mike's
tongue and then Rob started laughing and bit his
tongue again and Charles said "you guys suck" and
started to walk out and tripped over Jason who was
still lying on the floor and Charles hit his head
and bit his tongue and Alan started yelling for
everyone to stay away from his tongue and he gave
himself a nosebleed when he ran into the door
OK, suffice it to say, we were very happy that Ray
C. from McComb, Ohio, Land of Pleasant Living,
knew that the Wall St. Journal's (now irrelevant)
beef with us was that we didn't update enough.
Wanna be like Ray and mop up your spilled beer
with an official VGG T-shirt? Then put your brain
to work on this:
What animal's rotting carcass is featured
prominently in the first bit of Galen's On the
Road? (Hint: It's not Galen.)
Email the answer, your name, and mailing address
to <firstname.lastname@example.org>. If'n you're right, and
you're the first one to get it, we'll send you
your very own XL VGG shirt. If'n you're wrong,
we'll feel really bad for you.
SO UH, BYE
If you wanna talk, or complain about that whole
Canadian bashing thing, send an email to