THE THEO REPORT
for a new millennium."
Vol. 3, Issue 5............05/18/00
In this issue:
*Own a piece of Internet history
*Van Gogh-Goghs win the Ha Ha Fest
*Furniture Porn lauded
*See us as the Canadians do
*New and notable on the site
*Redesign coming soon, really
*New t-shirts are here
*Win an (old) t-shirt
*How to flee the Theo Report
WELL, WELL, WELL, WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
Why, we have the Theo Report, the official,
kinda monthly email newsletter of the Van
Gogh-Goghs. Read it, enjoy it, pass it along to
your pals and encourage them to sign up themselves
at <http://www.vgg.com/bookindex.html>. Isn't that
just peachy for us?
OWN A PIECE OF INTERNET HISTORY
You now have a chance to own one of the stars of
Furniture Porn! The star of our kinkiest layout,
"The Bondage Seat," is looking to retire, and we
want to find a home for her where her special
needs can be met. So head over to
and bid now! Hurry, the auction ends on the 20th!
VAN GOGH-GOGHS WIN THE HA HA FEST
Take a cast member from "Webster," this L.A.
standup who has a bit about cats, and the star
from "Just the Ten of Us" and several "Nightmare
on Elm Street" things, and what have you got?
Three-fourths of a bridge game! And also, three
people who thought the Van Gogh-Goghs were the
darn finest sketch comedy group to perform at the
recent Ha Ha Fest up in North Hollywood.
Yep, it's true: We beat out 10 other groups to be
named the "best of the fest" sketch group. The
aforementioned semi-celeb hosts voted, and we won
by a landslide. An unprecedented landslide. Huge,
it was huge! In other words, we have no idea what
the final vote was. But we won, which is all that
As our reward, we got to perform at the snazzy
L.H. Goldenson Theater at the Academy of
Television Arts. Plus, we got to eat pizzas and
salads with Heather Langenkamp, the "Just the Ten
of Us"/"Nightmare" star. OK, that wasn't really
part of the reward, really, but she thought we
were funny. And there were no other open tables.
Anyway, thanks to all who came to see the shows.
And if this win enables us to become big hollywood
phonies, we'll still remember all your names.
FURNITURE PORN LAUDED
Back in the '50s, when those buzz-cut,
white-shirted, glasses-wearing guys were slaving
away over their room-size computers trying to get
them to amortize loans and compose Adult
Contemporary tunes, they probably never thought
six dweebs in L.A. would use their creations to
show erotic pictures of chairs to the world. But
they did. We did. Whatever.
And, thanks to our foresightedness and lack of
having anything better to do, Furniture Porn
<http://www.furnitureporn.com/> was born. And the
Internet looked, and saw that it was good. Good
enough to merit an Irregular.com
"Pick N Pan" award and a tip of the "Cool Site of
the Day" hat from TipWorld
<http://www.tipworld.com>. And that's pretty darn
good, if you ask us.
SEE US AS THE CANADIANS DO
Far north of civilization, up past Montana,
there's fabled to be a magical land called
"Kanada." In this magical land live all sorts of
exotic creatures, including the Manitoban and the
British Columbian. As their fanciful names
suggest, these monsters are man's most extreme
flights of fancy made flesh.
Earlier this year, we met two of Kanada's most
amazing creatures: Torontoans. They appeared
human, except that one had a camera attached to
his head, and the other one's hand was formed into
a microphone. Eerie.
These incredible creatures had come to us to talk
about our Furniture Porn site
<http://www.furnitureporn.com/>, which is
apparently worshipped by the primitive inhabitants
of Kanada. Luckily, they recorded the event and
transformed it into a documentary on SexTV,
produced by Toronto's CityTV. And now, you can
watch this documentary on your computing machine.
Just go to <http://www.vgg.com/vggtv/furnitureporn2.html>,
open your eyes, and marvel at the magic, mystery,
and, um, some other word that starts with "m" of
NEW AND NOTABLE STUFF ON THE SITE
* Our Favorite Movies: The Van Gogh-Goghs love
them some movies. And, unless we're wrong, plot
summaries of our favorite flicks are at
<http://www.vgg.com/movies.html>. Sure hope we
remember them right.
* Prove Us Wrong: OK, we're throwing down the
gauntlet. We say that since it's not adultery for
two movie stars who are married to other people to
have a love scene together, it would not be incest
when two movie stars who are relatives have a love
scene together. Think differently? Prove Us Wrong
* Listen to Us Via Computer: Wouldn't you like to
see a Van Gogh-Goghs show without that pesky sense
of sight getting in the way? Well then, you'll dig
the latest installments of our new, downloadable
MP3 sketches. Get 'em at
* Jason's Old Columns: [Sniff] [sniff] Hey, is
that classic comedy (and the occasional dated
reference) I smell? No? Old socks? [Sniff] No,
that's definitely classic comedy from the vaults
of UNC's Daily Tar Heel
That's what it is. That or maybe rotting fish.
REDESIGN COMING SOON, REALLY
The Van Gogh-Gogh Art Department (in other words,
Jason) has been busy slaving over a hot cathode
ray tube working on a fancy-schmancy new design
for the site. Oh nellie, is it ever gonna be cool.
Here's a hint: Make sure you have the most recent
version of Flash <http://www.macromedia.com>
installed. Oh yeah.
NEW T-SHIRTS ARE HERE
Hey, keep an eye on <http://www.vgg.com> for news
of our new t-shirts! They're full-color, utterly
patriotic, and likely to get you punched out. What
more could you want?
Hey, uh, speaking of t-shirts, it's time to give
away some of our limited-edition "classic" shirts.
You know, the ones we've been pimping in here
forever. Our winners from last month were both
from Florida: Dan P. from Jacksonville and Rachel
M. from Tampa (a two-time winner). They knew that
Rubber Sole comes with herb butter or tartar
sauce. And that was their final answer, Reeg.
Wanna be like Rachel and Dan? Really? Florida's so
hot in the summer. Oh well, different strokes. If
you only wanna be kinda like Rachel and Dan, then
zap yerself over to <http://www.vgg.com/> and
riddle us this:
What's the warning accompanying the MP3 of Suits &
Email the answer, your name, and mailing address
to <firstname.lastname@example.org>. If you're right, you'll get
a large shirt. If you're wrong, you'll be cast
into the fiery pit.
(OK, just kidding. The shirts are XL.)
DON'T FORGET TO BID
Hey, whadya know, we're done here. Email us at
email@example.com if you've got something you gotta
get off your chest.