THE THEO REPORT
for a new millennium."
Vol. 3, Issue 2............02/9/00
In this issue:
*Are You Being Probed?
*Help name a cake after us!
*VGGs in the media
*New and notable on the site
*Win a t-shirt
*Feast yer eyes on some unsubscribing instructions
EH? WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?
It's the Theo Report, the official, kinda monthly
email newsletter of the Van Gogh-Goghs. Read it,
enjoy it, pass it along to your pals and encourage
them to sign up themselves at
<http://www.vgg.com/bookindex.html>. Or you could
unsubscribe by following the instructions at the
bottom of the message. But you wouldn't wanna do
that, would ya?
ARE YOU BEING PROBED?
Along with being a darn fine question, that's also
the name of our new show! "Are You Being Probed"
premieres this Saturday, Feb. 12, at Masquers'
Cabaret. It'll run every Saturday for six weeks
(until March 18) at 9:30 p.m., so you'll have
lotsa chances to see it. (Or see it twice, hint,
"Are You Being Probed?" is our look at alien
abductions, with a healthy dose of superheroes,
auto customizers, and telemarketers thrown in for
good measure. Plus, Masquers' has some pretty good
food, and they serve booze, so you rummies can get
all liquored up and make fools of yourselves. Hey,
we plan to.
(But seriously, cut down on the drinking. You're
starting to scare us.)
Anyhoo, the full scoop on the show is at
<http://www.vgg.com/showsindex.html>. But here's
* SATURDAY, FEB. 12 through SATURDAY, MARCH 18
PLACE: Masquers Cabaret and Dinner Theater
8334 W. Third St., West Hollywood
TIME: 9:30 p.m.
PARKING: Valet and some on-street
CALL: (323) 653-4848 for reservations
You can get directions to the show at
We all wanna give a big bellow of thanks to all
the folks who came out to Rotor Studios last month
to see our taping. We got some good footage, and
thanks to certain loud laughers, we don't even
have to fake the crowd reaction. How 'bout that!
We're probably going to have another studio show
taping in April featuring different sketches. Look
for details in a future Theo Report.
HELP NAME A CAKE AFTER US!
Ever heard of David Glass? Yeah, neither had we.
Until, that is, we found out that ole Mr. Glass
was running some kind of contest to rename his
"Ultimate Sophia Loren Luscious Italian Almond
Cake." (Sophia apparently needs dough more than
she needs publicity.) So the Van Gogh-Goghs would
like to step into the void and humbly suggest he
call it the "Ultimate Van Gogh-Goghs Luscious
Italian Almond Cake." Just think, we could have
our own cake. Or, more likely, get angry letters
from Mr. Glass. Whatever happens, we win, kinda.
You can help by going to
<http://www.vgg.com/cake.html> and placing your
vote before Feb. 29. C'mon, if we win, we'll give
you a slice*.
VGGS IN THE MEDIA
Never let it be said that the Van Gogh-Goghs
aren't a bunch of media whores. 'Cause we are.
Tarty, tarty little media whores are we. And to
prove it, we went and got ourselves interviewed by
the UCLA Daily Bruin
<http://www.dailybruin.ucla.edu/>. The interview
is supposed to run this Friday, so keep an eye out
for it. Hey, it'll get you in the mood to see "Are
You Being Probed?" 'Cause you are coming to that,
We also were recently interviewed by SexTV
<http://www.sextelevision.net/>, a show on
Toronto's CityTV. Apparently, they have quite a
following in the non-American parts of the globe.
They did a faux documentary about our Furniture
Porn site <http://www.furnitureporn.com>. We think
you can watch it online, so when it runs, we'll
let you know.
Oh, and if you run out right now, you can pick up a
copy of the Hollywood Reporter's special comedy
issue (the one with Steve Harvey on the front).
Our insanely expensive ad is prominently hidden at
the bottom of page C-35, just after the staffbox.
And don't let anyone tell you this isn't primo
positioning. Why, we had to fight the Ad Council
AND the "Read the Hollywood Reporter" ad for that
spot. So do us a favor and look at it. Sigh.
NEW AND NOTABLE STUFF ON THE SITE
* Watch Us Live On Your Computer: We did a bunch
of focus groups and statistical analysis and other
marketing junk and found out exactly what the
people of America want: Jason stabbing Alan in the
leg with a scalpel. And now, you can see this
yourself when you drag your eyes over to
* Mo Betta VGG News: T. Mike's gone kinda nutso
for fake news stories. Dunno why. But you can get
a taste of his work at
* Jason's Old Columns: Back in the day, Jason used
to write a column called "Turn Your Head and
Cough." And now you can read 'em online, thanks to
the magic of "us needing something new to put on
the site." Just go to
* New, Possibly Improved Pixel 3000: We added some
new sketches to our interactive Shockwave sketch
comedy show thingy. And we took out the hopelessly
dated ones, too. Experience the wonder that is
Pixel 3000 at <http://www.vgg.com/pixel/>.
* Van Gogh-Gogh Labs: We test, rate, review, and
analyze the top five gears at
So the next time you're in New York, keep an eye
out for a happy fellow wearing an official Van
Gogh-Gogh t-shirt. When you see him, run up and
yell "Hey! You're Todd! You work at Cracked, noted
competitor to Mad Magazine! You knew that the Big
Boy was given to us by a mystical bearded man! And
that's your XL shirt, not large as you requested,
because the Van Gogh-Goghs forgot to save you a
large! Or, you're possibly Matt, in which case the
Van Gogh-Goghs want you to know that they know
lots of embarassing high school stories about you,
so don't get uppity, Mister."
Anyway, if you want perfect strangers coming up to
you on the street and screeching at you, then head
over to the main news page
<http://www.vgg.com/newsindex.html> and tell us:
How many Big Gulps did T. Mike have in our "Y2K
Test" news release?
Email the answer, your name, and mailing address
to <email@example.com>. We only have XLs left, so,
um, that's what you're gonna get. Good luck.
COME SEE "ARE YOU BEING PROBED?"
That's it for this here Theo Report. Come see the
show at Masquers' if you're in L.A. Oh, and you
can email us at firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to
*OK, we probably won't give you a slice of cake.
But you can lick the icing off the plate if you