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Ah, the Thanksgiving turkey wishbone wish: more reliable than wells, available year round without a birthday cake and minus all that tedious blowing. Plus, everybody knows that wishes made on ordinary chicken wishbones are twisted by Satan to bedevil the wisher. Only TURKEY wishbone wishes will really come true, since they're granted by God's divine agent, the Magic Turkey Fairy Angel. And since wishbones only come one to a turkey, you gotta make it count, right?
If you're tired of getting stuck with the short, non-wishing end of the wishbone stick and sick of seeing your idiot kinfolk have their stupid wishes come true while yours dry up like a raisin in the sun, here's your guide! Weep no more, wishbone wusses, these are SURE-FIRE ways to win the Thanksgiving wishbone pull:
The Barkley Butt - Be like Mike? Sure, if you want to LOSE! Winners take a page from basketball great and non-role model Charles Barkley. On "Go," rotate your body and use your entire fat ass to block your opponent's access to the wishbone. Will also work with hogging the pie.
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The McFee - Named after the hockey great who invented this move. Get into position and put your hand on your opponent's shoulder in a friendly gesture. Then suddenly grab their shirt or sweater and pull it over their head. Grab the wishbone from your opponent's confused grasp. Score!
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The Heisman - John Heisman, famous coach and football innovator. If he can't help you get that wishbone, you're a lost cause. Imitate football's most coveted trophy, after the Stanley Cup. On "Go," assume the classic pose. Clutch the wishbone tightly to your chest and use your other hand to block. By shoving it in your opponent's pasty white mush.
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Grease is the Word - Get sneaky and acquire the wishbone before the pulling. Doctor ONE end of the wishbone on the sly with some turkey grease or butter. Make sure you give the greased end to your opponent. WIPE HAND THOROUGHLY, or better, grease it one handed with your non-pulling hand. Do NOT get caught greasing, or no pie for you.
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The Skunk - Conceal a skunk about your person. At the critical moment, whip it out and use it to spray your opponent in the face, causing them to drop, or at least loosen their grip on the wishbone. Follow through and complete wishbone acquisition. Disadvantage: Must hide skunk on person through entire meal. Also, don't let skunk get into the pie.
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Bolt - Just grab that wishbone and run for it. Okay, it's not pretty, not noble, but, dammit, it's effective. Be sure to plan your getaway in advance and watch out for slow-moving, elderly relatives suddenly blocking your route. Have a backup route! Be sure not to forget to wish in all the hubbub. Disadvantage: No pie.
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Pocket Full of Sand - Have some sand in your pocket. At the right moment, throw sand in eyes, grab bone as he clutches eyes and screams in pain. Try to get bone before it hits the ground, or at least on the first bounce, or wish is less likely to come true. Alternative: If no sand is easily available, sneak some pepper into your hand. Disadvantage: Some sand may get into the pie. Aim carefully.
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The Crotch - For this one, it's vital that you get your hands on the wishbone first. Once gotten, jam it right in your crotch and keep it there as you issue the challenge. Ideally, through your open fly. Make sure your opponent is NOT sexually attracted to you. At all. May also work with pie-hogging.
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