One of the most enduring traditions of Thanksgiving is the massive no-holds-barred food fight. This dates back to the first Thanksgiving feast, when Myles Standish stabbed Squanto in the neck with a corn cob. Thanksgiving in the 21st century is a more sophisticated holiday, and as a result, we are blessed with more sophisticated weaponry. We here at VGG Labs have analyzed the attack possibilities of the average Turkey Day dinner, so that you may have a competitive advantage over your dinner guests. All testing is based on a standard Thanksgiving dinner for 12. "Collateral Damage" describes the amount of yuckiness inflicted on the attacker, not innocent bystanders, because there are no innocent bystanders on this holiday. Unless, of course, you're Native American, in which case we're very sorry for stealing your land and giving you smallpox. By the way, can we get our blankets back? Roll (unbuttered) 1mb Place in Food Pyramid: Grains Course: Side dish Range: 15-20 yards* *Pumpernickel rolls have been known to travel upwards of 50 yards. In 1972, a father was hit by a wheat roll thrown from the kids' table...a distance of 45 yards. Softer rolls like cornbread usually break up before much distance could be attained. Precision required: High (body shot recommended) Damage done: Slight (if buttered, damage increases) Damage to pride: Slight Collateral damage: None (if buttered, collateral damage may increase) Number of rounds: Approx 24 Rounds per minute: Approx 20 Required hardware/utensils: None Cost: Low (no cooking required, althouch some do like their rolls toasty) Pluses: Fast deployment, concealable, does not necessarily spark retaliation, deniability is high, dipping roll in another dish allows for enhanced attack. Minuses: Not as satisfying, low damage potential. 1.4mb Stuffing Place in Food Pyramid: Grains Course: Side dish Range: Four yards as served, eight to 10 yards if packed into ball Precision required: Medium as served, high if packed Damage done: Light to moderate (Stove Top, the baseline, causes light damage) Damage to pride: Slight (if combined with gravy, pride damage may increase) Collateral damage: Light to moderate as served, low if packed Number of rounds: Approx 16 Rounds per minute: 10-15 as served, three to four if packed Required hardware/utensils: Don't be a wuss, use your hands Cost: Baseline Stove Top is $3 a box, requires approx. 10 minutes cooking time. Homemade stuffing cost varies. Pluses: Usually a large store of ammo; if packed, resulting ball is pretty solid; if it doesn't contain oysters or giblets, you may get away with no retaliation. Minuses: If it contains oysters, retaliation is all but assured; usually too dry to damage clothing; if target's been drinking, they may not know they've been hit; stuffing is usually the best part of the meal, so wasting it means less for you. Mashed potatoes 1.2mb Place in Food Pyramid: Fruits and vegetables Course: Side dish Range: Approx. five yards Precision required: Medium to low Damage done: Slight (if buttered, damage increases) Damage to pride: Moderate (if combined with gravy, high) Collateral damage: Moderate (if spoon used, moderate to low) Number of rounds: Approx 12 Rounds per minute: 10-15 Required hardware/utensils: None unless hot or buttered Cost: Approx $2 for raw materials, cooking time from 5-60 minutes Pluses: Good splatter effect; can be either thrown or rubbed in victim's face. Minuses: If deployed immediately after serving, may result in scalding; invites retaliation. 940k Sparkling apple cider/Champagne Place in Food Pyramid: Liquified fruits and vegetables Course: Beverage Range: Five to six yards (force of impact is inversely proportional to distance from target) Precision required: High Damage done: If uncorked before deploying, moderate to high. If corked, extensive. Damage to pride: Moderate (if presented as accident or celebration, low) Collateral damage: Moderate (varies based on length of attacker's arms and tightness of thumb seal) Number of rounds: Two per bottle Rounds per minute: One, possibly two Required hardware/utensils: Thumb Cost: $1-$5 apple cider, $10-$500 Champagne Pluses: Stickiness results in long-lasting damage throughout rest of meal; slight possibility of explaining away attack as accident or celebration. Minuses: Cork could cause hospital visit; if you use Champagne, you may be billed for it; good-natured spraying could result in good-natured food fight. Green bean casserole 885k Place in Food Pyramid: Wherever cream of mushroom soup is in the pyramid Course: Side dish Range: Approx. five yards Precision required: Low (high splatter factor) Damage done: Moderate to high Damage to pride: High due to high slime content Collateral damage: Moderate if utensils used (high for hand delivery) Number of rounds: Four to six Rounds per minute: 10-15 Required hardware/utensils: Spoon recommended Cost: Less than $5, 30 minutes cooking time Pluses: Good splatter effect; can be either thrown or rubbed in victim's face. Minuses: If deployed immediately after serving, may result in scalding; invites retaliation. 1.3Mb Cranberry sauce Place in Food Pyramid: Somewhere between fruits and Jell-O Course: Garnish Range: When left in can shape, five yards. When mushed up, one yard. Precision required: In can shape, moderate to high. When mushed up, low. Damage done: In can shape, causes little splattering but more physical damage. When mushed up, extensive splattering but little physical damage. Damage to pride: In can shape, high. Mushed up, total. Collateral damage: In can shape, almost none. If mushed, low to moderate. Number of rounds: One Rounds per minute: One Required hardware/utensils: Can opener Cost: Around a buck Pluses: As long as you make contact, you'll never be a food fight loser; when it's in the can shape it's fun to look at and is firm enough to physically hurt target; when it's mushed up, you get explosive splattering. Minuses: Hard to make it look like an accident; rarely served in unaltered can shape; only have one shot; if you miss, you'll still likely suffer retaliation. Gravy 1.1mb Place in Food Pyramid: Gravies and sauces Course: Condiment Range: Zero to three yards Precision required: High if throwing, low if dumping Damage done: High Damage to pride: High Collateral damage: Low, some splashback factor Number of rounds: One Rounds per minute: One Required hardware/utensils: Gravy boat recommended Cost: Less than $3 Pluses: Very gross; could contain gravy skin. Minuses: Chunks of meat could cause eye damage; temperature could be from scalding hot to ice cold; if Mom makes dry turkey, everyone suffers; will usually spark retaliation. 1.5mb Pumpkin pie Place in Food Pyramid: Pies, danishes, and crullers Course: Dessert Range: For maximum affect, under three yards. If precision is not required, ten yards. Precision required: Inversely proportional to distance from victim Damage done: Low to moderate (depending on consistency of pie and existence of whipped cream) Damage to pride: Moderate Collateral damage: None. Number of rounds: One Rounds per minute: One Required hardware/utensils: None Cost: $5-$8. No cooking time for store-bought, 30-45 minutes for homemade. Pluses: Might not invite retaliation (everyone loves a pie in the face). Minuses: No dessert for you! Giblets 840k Place in Food Pyramid: Organ meat and innards Course: Are you kidding? Range: Out of bag, less than one yard. In the bag, up to 15 yards. Precision required: Out of bag, low. In bag, high. Damage done: High (due to stink, stickiness, and general yuckiness) Damage to pride: Moderate to high if target doesn't know what they are. High to total if target knows what they are. Collateral damage: Moderate Number of rounds: One per turkey Rounds per minute: One Required hardware/utensils: Gloves. If out of the bag, a plate. If in the bag, some string to make a sling with. Cost: Free with each turkey Pluses: Utterly vile; may result in target running off to toss cookies. Minuses: They stink to high heaven; if target stays at table, guaranteed retaliation; if they're out of the bag, there's a risk that you might touch them; if they're still in the bag, they could be used against you. 1.7mb Turkey (with a brick in it) Place in Food Pyramid: Meats/ceramics Course: Entree Range: One to 12 yards (depending on type of throw used) Precision required: High Damage done: Total Damage to pride: Total Collateral damage: Low (primarily greasy palms) Number of rounds: One Rounds per minute: One Required hardware/utensils: Brick Cost: $1.50/pound; average cooking time, four hours or until that thing pops out Pluses: Devastating attack; the ultimate weapon. Minuses: Hearing about how you ruined Thanksgiving for the next ten years; bringing brick to table is hard to pass off as anything but premeditated; need accomplice to distract other diners; after attack, turkey fragments could be used as weapons against you. © copyright 2002 The Van Gogh-Goghs