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I'm Going To Be A Father!

by T. Mike

I'm going to be a father! Wow! This is truly thrilling! I can hardly wait for the joyous day to arrive! When is the joyous day, you might ask? Oh, not today. And not tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of my life.

You see, I made a major decision the other day. A decision to have a child. Yes, I chose life, the most precious gift anyone could ever give themselves. But you know what? I deserve it! I made this decision for myself - and my unborn child. And his or her mother, of course, whoever that will be. For you see, although I'm not married, nor do I have a girlfriend, I've decided that I WILL have a child. And nothing is going to stop me.

I hear my friends and coworkers talk about having a baby one day, but I'll be the one to actually do it. You know why? Because nothing, absolutely nothing, is going to stop me. I don't care what I have to do, but I will become a father, oh yes. I don't care who I have to step on, crush or destroy to be a father. I don't care who or what I have to maim, mutilate or kill to be a father, I will do it. I'm not saying I will enjoy it. I may take a grim satisfaction in the knowledge that the act of savage brutality brings me one step closer to fatherhood, but that would be it.

I don't care if I have to slit the throat of a $20 dollar whore in filthy motel bathtub to do it. I don't care if I then have to brutally beat her angry, switchblade-wielding pimp with a tire iron and then strangle him to death with his own gold chains. If that's what it takes, I'll do it.

If for some reason I have to I let go of one of my best friends as he dangles off a cliff and let him plummet to certain death in the icy, shark-laden waters below to fulfill my dream of fatherhood, I will do it. However to be fair, I would probably name the baby after that friend, in honor of his memory. As long as it isn't Galen, because the name "Galen" is just too goony. I don't want my child scarred for life!

If I have to stab a total stranger in the neck with a ballpoint pen over and over and over until he finally stops struggling and collapses leaving a wide smear of blood and fleshy gobbets on the wall, I will do it. Because becoming a father is not a decision I made lightly. It's not a decision anyone should make lightly. You have to be ready for it. Men who run out on their pregnant girlfriends and "deadbeat dads" who don't pay child support make me sick. I hope I have to kill a bunch of them to become a father. There'd be a nice poetic justice in that, don't you think?

Other people may give up when life puts a few obstacles in their path. But if I have to force my bare fingers into someone's eye sockets and push past the gooey mass to the paper thin bone behind and then plunge my blood-slick fingers into the brain, killing them, I will. Because I'm serious about my commitment to becoming a father. Dead serious.

Let me make this totally, absolutely, one-hundred-percent clear: no slaughter is too bloody, no atrocity is too hideous, no genocide is too unthinkable, for my precious, precious baby.

Yes, God help the poor bastards who come between me and the child I will one day father. I don't care if it's the pope- their dna better be on file, because there won't be enough of their heads left to identify them through dental records. But I'm kidding, of course. The corpses would be never found in the first place!

I still can't get over it. I'm going to be a father! Wow!

I hope it's a boy!

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