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The Van Gogh-Goghs'
Worst Future Career Moves
Jason's worst future career move will be gaining over a hundred
pounds to star in The Buddy Hackett Story. It
will, however, win a cable ACE award for lighting. Jason is
reduced to doing commercials for frozen peas, cheap white
wine and the Thumbmaster
(for people with fat hands). At his lowest ebb, he becomes
a psychic friend.
Charles'
worst future career move will come when a bitter and spiteful
Jenny McCarthy
divorces him, gains possession of his mansion, kids, and in
a precedent-setting case, successfully sues him for half his
brain. She claims she influenced his entire way of thinking,
aligning his neurons in the funniest way possible. Only Charles'
truest friend, a now morbidly obese and disgruntled Jason,
will even visit him in the home after the operation. On the
plus side, the president of Mensa (the now cerebrally-augmented
Jenny McCarthy) discovers a cure for Marilyn Vos Savant.
T.
Mike's worst career move will come when he gets breast implants
to star in a remake of Star 80. On being told
by the director he is not playing the Mariel Hemingway role,
he nervously utters, "I know." Descending into madness, his
career will collapse completely when, crazed and obsessed,
he shoots Eddie
Deezen
in front of the Dakota after Mr. Deezen refuses to autograph
his copy of Catcher in the Rye.
Galen's
worst career move will, surprisingly, not
be his newfound religious fervor after his heart attack (the
stars are vague on which religion, but feel sure it will be
one of the name brand "big three"). Instead his career will
suffer mightily after the album he records with the Smurfs.
Rob's
worst career will come when he signs a five picture directing
deal with a major Hollywood studio. On his first directing
job, he reluctantly agrees to star a bloated and paranoid
Jim Carrey
in a remake of Apocalypse Now. It is a fiasco,
mostly due to Carrey's insistence on playing both the Martin
Sheen and Marlon Brando roles. The documentary about the making
of the movie, Heart of Artichokes, however, is
an art house hit. Rob's directing career further hits the
skids when he realizes every movie and TV show ever made has
already been turned into a movie or remade and he still owes
the studio four more pictures. (Original screenplays having
been banned by the Screenwriters Guild nine years earlier
as "too much work." ) The only thing left to remake are failed
pilots, infomercials and silent movies. Rob's decision to
agree to direct the remake of Birth of a Nation
costs him much public goodwill and his friendships with both
Spike Lee and Harry Belafonte.
Wisely
turning down lead roles in John Goodman: A Life,
Untalented & Unfunny: The Jim Belushi Story,
and Family Affair: The Movie (as Mr. French),
Al's worst future career move comes when he instead inks a
deal to star in Misunderstood: The Framing of John Wayne
Gacy. In the first week of shooting, Al has a horrible
allergic reaction to the clown makeup and is replaced by Ray
Bolger.
Al's ensuing eleven month coma, however, is turned into a
successful mini-series by the Lifetime Channel.
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