Arteries and Veins

Like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader slugging it out on the new Death Star, the eternal battle between your arteries and veins defines the struggle between good and evil that makes you who you are.

Arteries (ART-er-e's) transport rich, oxygenated blood from the lungs through the heart to the rest of the body. This allows your body to function, keeps your brain from dying off, and keeps your sexual organs engorged with vitality. Face it -- without arteries, you'd be dead.

Veins (VAINZ) however, carry spent, unclean blood around. Like that parasitical relative who won't leave your second bedroom, veins are associated with bad living, squalor, and drug use.

Most Christian babies have their veins removed at birth. Many other races and beliefs don't follow this practice; you may have heard your sweet christian mother calling a jewish man or black man "unclean" at some point. That's all she meant -- that he has veins.

Don't look down on our veined fellow humans -- they're just the way god made them. Flawed and imperfect, perhaps, and in need of a good deveining. Like baptism sucking the original sin out of your soul, a good, proper deveining in a certified medical center is the path to cleanliness and righteousness.