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Ask Dr. Joe!

Question for the Good Doctor:

Dr. Joe, why is my urine yellow?

Dr. Joe's Wise Reply:

Human urine is not yellow. Monkey urine is yellow. This is what separates us from our primate cousins. Human urine is a black viscous fluid, much like hot roofing tar.

Question for the Good Doctor:

Joe my man, I have these blackouts every day. They last about 8 hours or so. Is there anything I can do?

Dr. Joe's Wise Reply:

That's known as male pattern sleeping. You can fight it all you want, but there's not much you can do. Eventually, everyone succumbs! There are pills you can take. Next to gingivitis, it's the most common disease in America. Consult your family doctor.

From Dr. Joe's Email Mailbag

And now I'll take a question sent to me via email. Today's question is from site visitor Jesse Hill:

Hey Dr. Joe! I read your question and answer section regularly and thanks to you I am still alive and kicking. My question to you, good doctor, is one of major significance to me. You see, for years now I have been living off of only Twinkies(tm) and Coca-Cola(tm). My entire diet has been only these two items for about four years now. So far it has not been a problem, but a week ago I was in a park and I murdered four teen-agers. Now I an awaiting trial for four counts of manslaughter. Basically my question is, do you think that a diet based on Twinkies(tm) and Coca-cola(tm) could possibly imbalance the chemical make-up of a man's brain enough to make him kill? Please respond ASAP as my trial is in another week. Thanks...

Dr. Joe responds:
This is a complex issue. First, everyone knows that insane rages are caused by the deep wrinkles on the outside of the brain (the part we doctors call the "husk"). In a normal brain, ideas seep out of the brain's mantle, into the husk, and are projected outwards toward the skull. In most cases, these ideas rattle around the head for a while and then are ejected from the mouth or, less frequently, the nose. However, in a heavily fissured brain, ideas tend to get trapped between the walls of the fissures and carom off the sides. Each bounce does two things; it increases the velocity of the thought and, simultaneously, knocks away a bit of the shell of apathy that keeps most ideas from being acted upon. After a while, the idea is whittled into a sharp impulse that moves fast enough to puncture the husk and be reabsorbed into the soft, gravy-like mantle containing the rest of the brain's thoughts. Because the thought is moving so fast, it actually able to muscle in front of other thoughts, and thus gets acted upon almost immediately.

Twinkies are actually one of the few foods that can slow or even halt this process. The fat and cholesterol they contain are natural caulking agents, which act to fill up the wrinkles and restore the brain to normalcy. Over time, the fat and cholesterol actually bonds with the husk and removes the wrinkles completely. Generally, this takes several years, so a strict regimen of Twinkies at every meal is prescribed. Without actually inspecting your brain wrinkles, I'm not able to say for sure how close to recovery your diet has gotten you, but 35 years is the bare minimum for mild cases. The cola probably helped a bit (the caffeine makes the husk's wrinkles flex, which lets the Twinkie fat and cholesterol get deep into the brain's nooks and crannies), but I would think you are probably still FAR from a full recovery.

So you see, the Twinkies and Coca-Cola did not spark your murderous rage. In fact, they likely delayed it by several months. My advice is to double your current rations of Twinkies and Coke and tell the jury that you were already in treatment at the time of the unfortunate incident.

If that's not enough, tell them you were hot-tubbing with me the night in question. If they don't believe you, remind them that I'm a DOCTOR in six states, and thus a highly credible witness. That oughta shut them up.

Put his medical degree to use for you! Send your medical question to Dr. Joe!

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