Now that the Van Gogh-Goghs have taught you how to waste time at work, you've probably found that your once-busy workdays have mellowed into the dull hazy soup of inertia every cubicle-dweller longs for. But working man and woman cannot live by soup alone, no matter how hazy it is. Somedays you need to spark a little action into the parade of soul-crushing utter boredom that you laughably call "a life" (no offense).
Based on research from the mighty VGG Labs, there's no better way to generate a little worktime fun than by creeping the hell out of your co-workers. Using these 26 sure-fire tips, you will soon be the most popular person around the office (if, by "popular," you mean the guy or gal most likely to inspire others to say "whoa, that person is creepy").
- As soon as someone you're talking to is done using a pen, pick it up and lick it
- Walk out of bathroom, stop, pause a few seconds, take a few deep breaths, then dash back in.
- Follow someone home, when they get to the door, honk, wave, say "so you're ok then?" and drive off. Repeat until court order.
- When the person you're meeting with stands up, put your hand where they were sitting and say "ooh that's warm."
- While carpooling, make the group stop at a drug store so you can buy condoms.
- Place 50 framed pictures of the Olsen twins on your desk. For bonus creepout points, cut one of the twins out of all the pictures.
- During an important meeting, lean forward to make a point while placing your hand firmly on someone else's upper thigh.
- Vaseline your hand, then shake someone else's hand.
- Give out framed pictures of yourself to every one of your co-workers
- When someone is talking to you, take the opportunity to groom them.
- When someone drops food, grab it and eat it.
- Hug someone you're not dating or related to just a little too long.
- Keep underwear in your pocket and make a point of dropping it whenever you pull out your keys. Always say "so that's where those got to!"
- Constantly offer to take other people's temperature.
- Keep your hands abnormally cold, then be very touchy-feely.
- Bring up in conversation that you know where to buy chloroform for cheap.
- Whenever someone is in the bathroom, lean in close to the outside of the door so that your face is the first thing they see.
- Make lots of noise while in a bathroom stall, then walk out very sweaty, clutching a picture of Johnny 5 from "Short Circuit."
- Call every woman you meet "mommy."
- Buy a hoagie, then stand in corner humping it.
- Breezily annouce when you come in to work: "I peed my bed again last night."
- Every time you get excited or interested in something, grab your crotch.
- Tape a picture of someone on your arm, kiss it occassionally.
- Keep an urn full of ashes at your desk.
- Instead of talking to people, take a Polaroid of them and talk to the Polaroid. When the conversation is over, stick the photo on one of those memo spikes
- When co-workers ask if you want to go to lunch, say no. Then follow them to the restaurant, sit nearby, and laugh when they do.