Prove Us Wrong Number 28
Who wants trouble?! Hanh?! Hanh?! Well, go somewhere else. This is a clean, decent web site, except for the bits about sex and other bodily functions. Now, on with the quibbling!
Sucks to be you!
Date: Tuesday, December 4, 2001 11:36 PM
Subj: Well allow me to retort
If it sucks to be me then it swallows to be you.
Okay, I can see the logic there, but... what does that even mean? In any event our being swallows does not prevent it sucking to be you, so you have not proved us wrong. So long, moron-o! See you in San Capistrano!!
Date: Wednesday, December 5, 2001 8:12 PM
Subj: RESOLVED: Sucks to be you!
I'm rubber, and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks
Oh yeah?! Well, when you point at us there are three fingers pointing back at yourself!
Oh, you weren't pointing. Nuts. Well anyway, your satanic black magic reversal incantation won't work here, mister. Because how would it sucking to be us negate it sucking to be you. Even if you reverse the statement on us, the original still applies. To you. Ya big rubber... thing.
Date: Sunday, December 9, 2001 4:05 AM
Subj: sucks to be you?
Well, no... It is by the mere phrasing of your statement that allows me to
prove it wrong.
To prove that I don't suck, I would have to be disproving the statement
"Sucks to be me", but I am here to disprove the statement that it "Sucks to
be you", meaning you, the Van Go Goghs. And well, you guys don't suck. You
rock. You are therefore wrong.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Oh you're just slicker than grease, babe. Somebody send this kid to law school! It sure am don't suck for to be a Van Gogh-Gogh! Hell yeah!! WHOOOOO!!! You have proved us wrong! Now, let us start popularizing the complimentary counterpart phrase: "Rocks to be you."
Date: Tuesday, December 11, 2001 1:05 AM
Subj: Not me, you.
"Sucks to be you."
Well, depends on who says it, and who it's said to. For example, try
saying "sucks to be you" to the guy who died after giving a constipated
elephant an enema (It's true, he won a Darwin award), and you'd be
right. But try saying it to a pig (Did you know they have 30 minute
orgasms?), and you'd be wrong. Or a lion (They can mate 50 times a
day!). So you are wrong again. Starfish are just fine, too, because they
don't have brains, so they don't have to think about obnoxious and
hurtful statements like "Sucks to be you". Jerk.
Now, let's try this again. If it's me speaking to you, than the
statement is correct, because it sucks to be you when I'm proving you
wrong. But if you say it to me (and this is the important part), it's
wrong, because I've just proved you wrong and therefore it's cool to be
me, as I am better than you.
I thought it was pretty clear that who said it was us, The Van Gogh-Goghs, and who it's said to is you, everybody who reads it and wants to participate in Prove Us Wrong. So let's leave the pigs, lions, starfish and dead dumb guys out of it. As for the rest of it, let me relate a little anecdote about Abraham Lincoln: Lincoln once asked a man, "If you can call a tail a leg, how many legs does a dog have?" And the man said, "Well, five." And Lincoln said, "Wrong. Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it one."
What was my point? Uh... Oh yeah! Saying you have proved us wrong does not make it so, so there.
I can also mate 50 times a day. I just don't want to.
Date: Tuesday, December 11, 2001 1:24 AM
Subj: One word at a time.
If you get tired of being proven wrong with the statement as a
whole, we can always focus on one word at a time. First: "SUCKS to be
you." Well, yeah, if you're Monica Lewinsky or a vacuum cleaner. But
what if you are talking to the wind? It only blows, never sucks. There's
a difference, you know. And there are even people who do that, and then
there are those who do neither.
Or you could ask the opinion of any Physics teacher. Some of them
want to see the word "suck" erased from the English language. They claim
that there never has been any such thing as sucking, it's all just the
pushings and pressures of relative densities. Air doesn't go into a
vacuum because the vacuum draws it in, but only because the air around
the air going in expands and pushes it in.
Whether you prefer the sick or the scientific, your wording is
already completely invalid.
Next: um, uh.... Oh, crap. I forgot everything else I was going to
talk about. That's OK, I never had anything particularly good for any of
the words besides "sucks" anyway. But you are still wrong.
Yes, yes, if it was up to the Physics teachers we'd all say "Good lack of day" in the evening and complain in the winter how lacking in heat it was out there, I tell you what, it reminds me of the big heat lacking snap we had last winter. Not to mention swearing in people to tell the absence of lies, the whole absence of lies, and nothing but the absence of lies. Well thank God we don't live in a country run by Physics teachers, cause mine was a real bitch. And I don't believe we were talking to the wind, because although the answer is allegedly blowing in it, all I hear is it crying, "Mary." And more often, "whoosh."
Date: Tuesday, December 11, 2001 1:44 AM
Subj: Mean person!
Why do you have to go around saying such mean things to everyone?
Can't you feel people's pain when you denigrate them to something nobody
should want to be, and then laugh at them? You must be so shallow. Say,
next time (or for that matter, maybe it'll be the first time for you)
that you're in bed with someone, why don't you try telling them that
they just got duped into sleeping with someone who likes pandas and
chimpanzees, and that it sucks to be them? What do you think they'd do?
Would it be right to say that to them?
Well, duh, putting you down makes me feel like a big, big man! I feel much better about myself after denigrating large sections of the populace! It's funny because I don't know them! Their very anonymity gives me free reign to unfairly and wantonly tar them all with broad, sweeping strokes of the same brush! Try it sometime, it's great! Try mumbling, "all them Van Gogh-Goghs am dumb," under your breath as you shoo the roaches off of your cold, stale gruel- it's a real pick me up!
Date: Tuesday, December 11, 2001 1:45 AM
Subj: You suck, too!
Look: "You" is a rather vague word. Basically, that statement could
be said to anyone in the world and still have good grammar, even if it
is not a true statement in a particular context. By saying that the
statement is always true, you are implying that it would suck to be
anyone in the entire word. That includes you. You tell me, does it suck
to be you? Always? Your entire life, you've hated who you are or the
situation you're in, only you never wished to be someone else because
you think everyone else sucks, too. Is that it?
I'm sorry. That was mean of me. You have my pity, if that helps at
all. Hey, it's not to late to take your statement back. Be brave and
admit you're wrong, and you'll show that you have more guts than
Clinton. Chin up, now. That's a good boy. Feel better about the world
already, don't you?
We never denied that it sucks to be us. Nor did we confirm it. Our sucking is not on trial here! It's you and your sucking! Whether we suck or not has no real bearing on the statement up for debate. Now, what evidence have you presented on your behalf to counter our claim? You've wasted FOUR entire emails without offering the slightest non-sucky aspect of your life in defense. That's just sad, dude.
Our statement stands.
Date: Tuesday, December 11, 2001 10:29:18 PM
You my friend are the most idiotic, miscreant I have had the displeasure of coming across. But should this surprise me, you are American. Which makes you, by definition and deed, inferior to the rest of us.
I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks
Date: Friday, December 14, 2001 2:52 AM
Subj: Sucks to be you
I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks
So you're absolutely right- it suck to be YOU!!!
Aw crap, not again. Oh yeah, well... takes one to know one! Uh, smelt it, dealt it? Step on a crack, break your mother's back? Fatty, fatty, two by four? No? Well, anywhom, as I said in response to this identical argument, we suck, you suck, so what?
Date: Sunday, December 16, 2001 9:28 PM
Subj: The ONE TRUE RELIGION
Religions cause so much strife trying to assert that they are the 'one true
Well, there is only one religion.
This religion's precepts are true and are followed by absolutely everyone on
the planet. This religion includes even animals.
This religion has not changed since it began.
This religion is sex!
Hmm, I have a strange sneaking suspicion that this person is not responding to our Prove Us Wrong topic. But, just for laughs, here are some interesting ramifications of his statement: Celibates are infidels. Whites would manage to make sex so boring, for most people it would just be an Easter-Christmas thing. Finally, jihads we can all enjoy!
Date: Sunday, December 16, 2001 10:04 PM
*I* have not been proved wrong by a bunch of web-surfing gimps with too much
time on their hands up to 27 times in a public forum over the past two
years. Therefore, sucks to be *you* and you are wrong.
Unless of course, by 'sucks to be you' you meant 'you' as in 'you' and not
as in 'me' in which case you are right. I think. I'm tired now.
Once again, our sucking to be us does not preclude your sucking to be you. You people are a little too prepositionally prepossessed. Go take a refreshing siesta.
Date: Monday, December 31, 2001 4:17 AM
Resolved: Sucks to be me.
Johnny grips his automatic with a white-knuckle grip,
his cold, metallic eyes glistening in the dying day.
Waiting patiently for night to embrace the day,
darkness dripping over the landscape. He stalks into
the night, walking eerily slow with his eyes staring
blindly ahead. The barrel stares you in the face as
you hear his heavy breathing. You had been shaken
violently awake by the pale boy. The last thing you
hear is the click of the trigger...
Johnny mutters beneath his breath..."No...it sucks to
Yikes, can't we all get along? Geez, why is everybody so touchy? All we said was it sucks to be you and suddenly everybody flies off the handle! You're so defensive! You people are being completely unreasonable! And how dare you write detective-noir genre descriptive dialogue at us! Even if we did suck (and I'm not saying we do), it wouldn't make you stop sucking, now would it?!
Date: Wednesday, January 2, 2002 7:56 PM
Subj: Sucks to be You
Actually, it sucks to be a tapeworm. Nobody, I mean nobody, likes you.
Nobody thinks you're cute, or funny, or sexy. Everybody hates you and
wishes you would be extinct. It sucks to be a tapeworm.
Your statement is true, even though we did not originally intend to address tapeworms. Congrats on finding a whole 'nother class of creatures it sucks to be!
Now it sucks to be you, or a tapeworm.
Date: Thursday, January 3, 2002 5:27 PM
Subj: "Prove Us Wrong". umm... ok
mmMMmm... only when I'm good, baybee!
all kidding aside [what?!? ya don't allow humour here or sumpthin?], it
is EXCELLENT to be me [other than attempting to re-live my 15yo
experiences with live iron maiden albums, but I digress]. I get to sleep
with both beautiful women & handsome men, have a decent-paying job with
decent benefits [ok,ok, so I'm a factory slave], have a small circle of
close friends [fiends] who don't talk shite behind my back [er, that I
know of anyways...], a mom who loves me [SHE knows I don't suck, so
there!] & a daughter who thinks I'm an ABSOLUTE HERO [I read to her & we
play jenga & rack-o & go tobogganing together all the time... no, not
concurrently, silly - even tho I'm an 'ABSOLUTE HERO' - her words - I'm
not some kind of super-human who can step outside of our space-time
how much happier & less-sucking could I possibly be? [hmmm, why didn't I
include a pic? I wonder...]
Well, crud, there ya go. Proved us wrong. Sounds like a pretty sweet setup to me. I say you keep scamming those suckers for all the love, affection and sex you can get away with!
What the heck is rack-o?
Date: Monday, January 7, 2002 1:48 AM
What is taking so long? It's Jan 6th!!!! I would hate to have to
reconsider my statement that it does, in fact, suck to be you. But the
suckage level is rising dangerously high at this point. What about your
responsibility to your fans,..man. Some of us look a little too forward to
the new month, and the new Prove Us Wrong. Wait a minute, that does sound a
little sad. Maybe it does suck to be me. Geez, that would make you the
opposite of wrong on both counts. Okay... this conversation never happened.
Look, lady, do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Not only am I a lazy procrastinator with a threadbare work ethic, but I can't even think of a decent ending to this sentence!
Date: Monday, January 7, 2002 9:48 PM
Subj: I said... aaargh!
Okay, okay! There, it's done! Yours is the last email to I have to force myself to come up with a witty response to. So...
Oh to hell with this- THE END!
Okay, suckers! It sucks to be tapeworms, Van Gogh-Goghs and you guys, except for that one bisexual guy with the job and friends and mom and daughter, and starfish, pigs and lions. It's a short sharp shocking indictment of you all that you couldn't offer up any description of your own lives in your own defense. Congrats again to the one happy guy whom it does not suck to be. Or at least, the one nonsucking guy who bothers responding to...
Prove Us Wrong!